WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

Given all the extra information about the wedding etc, probably best if you just both go your separate ways. Neither of you sound particularly supportive of each other. It would be unfair of you to expect her to be excited about the birth of your own child when you've shown so little enthusiasm for hers and she sounds like she is quite disapproving of you and the relationship with your DH. Good luck.

It sounds like you don't really get along anymore. It must have been hurtful for her that you didn't want to see her child. It must have been hurtful to you that she didn't take into account your feelings. IVF is such a difficult thing to cope with and the fact that she has no idea what you have been through makes me feel you don't have much in common any more.

PS Congrats :)

I wouldn't give up on her yet - maybe you have let her get away with too much in the past & just need to signal to her that her bad behaviour wont work. I would start being friendly when she is a good friend and stepping back when you don't like her behaviour.

if that does not work I would keep stepping backwards, gently. I would not burn any bridges as you might see things differently in the future.

this thread makes me fell like I have very sane friends. while supporting each other through hard times, we all accept other people have their own lives.

Why on earth would it be 'hurtful' not to see a child for 4/5 weeks when you are in the middle of IVF? I would think myself a right bloody drama queen if I insisted that a friend going through IVF could not be given a bit of understanding when I had been lucky enough to produce two healthy babies. It seems to me some people lose all sense of proportion when they have children.

It is likely that she prefers texts as they don't wake the baby / toddler. She was probably not chuffed about being dragged round shops at 6 months pregnant.

I think YABU. You haven't considered her for an instant, it is all about you. Your wedding, your IVF.

She lashed out, but only after a series of rude rebuffs from you.

I think you are going to look back on this and regret it.

Amy is incredibly jealous of you by the sound of it. I agree with you Cleo , I'd walk over hot coals for any of my friends going through IVF. PorkPie do you think there's some tit for tat going on here between you and Amy? If hand on heart your honest answer is no I'd fuck her off, but not after I'd had my say with her. Do you really have time for someone so self centred, judgemental and snide in your life?. Or you could just visit her and new baby, check out her situation for yourself and then keep contact to a bare minimum, no falling out just a convenient drifting apart due to life's changes scenario .

Op you said up post you would want everyone to visit you when dc comes along! So why can't u think that's what your friend wants! I myself require fertility treatment- but I cannot allow myself to be hung up and bitter if people get pregnant. I know 8 people who are pregnant at work! I work with babies! But the world is too small a place to avoid pregnancy and babies! And it's no good for the mind. So yes u need to think about yourself but your friend also needs support! Both selfish and both need a friend! Perhaps your both crap friends to each other! Stop avoiding her and tell her how u feel! U at least owe that to her seeing as ur rude and ignore her invites!

Yabvu

If the friendship was a good as you say it was, then I think you would be very unreasonable to throw it away over this.

Yes she was very rude, but you have not been the perfect friend either and I think she was reacting to your disinterest in her new dd.

Do you even know how the labour and newborn days went? She also has a toddler too, one who you yourself said you didn't want to be around while feeling unwell as he is very active. So she has been caring for both a newborn and a busy toddler? Did she have much support at all? Do you even know?

She has apologised and I think you should meet with her and tell her how hurtful her comments were, as well as ask her how she has been coping. To be honest I think you becoming a mother now may help to improve the friendship once again.

She was way over the top with the anger, but you were unable to be a selfless enough friend to be happy for her and meet her dc.

I spent 7 years struggling with infertility until I had Ds. I always made a huge effort when other people had babies and many of them were totally oblivious to how difficult it might have been for me.
However I think on this occasion YANBU. The baby is only a few weeks old- you haven't spent years avoiding her and her texts were unforgiveable. I remember some fertility drugs turend me into a hormonal depressed mess - they were horrible. I hope the IVF goes well for you.

I was swaying towards YAB -slightly- U until a read through the thread and about OHSS. I had no idea...

If I had a friend who was going through that, then a little space would be the least I could do.

Congratulations and good luck.

YANBU. I didn't meet my friend babies until they were usually over a month old. I wanted to give them space to get settled since there's usually an influx of visitors and family. Even if my friends didn't need or want this space, none of them resented me not visiting before and I wasn't in pain like you were! Our friendships are still going strong and I don't think my relationship with their kids has been damaged!

This sounds like the straw that breaks the camels back, and I'm pretty impressed you gave her another chance after the comments about your husband and your wedding. I'd leave it for now then see how you feel in a few months. Who needs the stress?

I think YANBU.
The baby is only a few weeks old, and you are feeling unwell. I didn't see quite a few of my friends for a few weeks after I had my second, indeed for those that lived further away it was more like months! How often did you see her while she was pregnant - perhaps she is missing the regular catch ups? However, her text was pretty nasty, despite the apology.

YANBU.
I was going to say, that having been in a similar situation (not ivf but TTC for 2yrs), perhaps you could have made more of an effort to see the baby even though it was a difficult time for you but then I realised the baby is only a few weeks old!! Its not like you've left it 6 months.
However, regardless of what you have or haven't done, that text from her was truly horrible and I wouldn't be able to forgive that.

I'm usually someone who can see both sides of a situation and will always try to see the good in people.
However I think you are totally in the right. It sounds like your friendship has become increasingly difficult and unfortunately your friend's outburst has kind of killed the relationship. Fair enough she apologised, but the fact that she actually text those nasty comments to you is a factor IMO. Writing it down gave her a chance to think about what she was saying - if she's blunted it out in anger without thinking it could possibly be forgiven, but it sounds like she deliberately meant to hurt you.
Also, I have good friends that still haven't met my child - and she's my pfb! BUT I completely understand that their lives haven't changed just because mine has - yes I'd love them to have met her already but who am I to demand that they come and see us?! And if they'd responded saying they weren't up to it for any reason at all them I would apologise, say I hoped they were ok and to let me know when they were up to it - and then leave it. Her reaction to you was totally selfish and I think you'd be better off without her.

If the op was going through OHSS, which can be fatal in a few cases, then I think she was definitely not up to going visiting, before we even consider all the emotional stuff.

In her posts she has said she made it clear to Amy that she was unwell, unable to drive and in pain. And yet she's being slated for not making the effort to go. The baby's only a few weeks old. When mine were born, there were some friends who didn't meet them for months but it didn't bother me as the world does not revolve around me.

And her behaviour in the run up to the wedding was not nice at all. She may have been 6 months pregnant, but not at least making some effort to go shopping as late as 3 weeks before the wedding seems selfish to me. If she was not well enough to go shopping she could have explained it to the OP who may have been able to sort alternatives out, instead of fobbing the op off.

The OHSS was mild, though, by the OP's own admission. I don't think either of them are coming off well in this to be honest.

The OP had mild OHSS, that's not life threatening and is uncomfortable at most but not more so than the rest of the treatment.
Sorry OP but as someone with experience of IVF and OHSS myself I think YABU and I agree with ivana's post looking at things from your friend's point of view. She could be finding things really tough right now, surely after 12 years' of friendship she deserves a second chance?

I agree with lougle

Whatever the OP has been through, she gives off the distinct impression in her posts that the world revolves around her and that everyone should be understanding and sympathetic towards her, regardless of any problems or issues they might have. Now, I am wondering if this comes across in the way she interacts with Amy. I'm guessing it probably does. And then it could explain why Amy has finally snapped and sent a horrible text.

Lets face it, we've all been there and had that type of friend, where whatever they are going through is worse than anything anyone else is going through. I've no doubt that infertility and IVF are hard, however plenty of other life events are hard too. The OP has said that her IVF journey began in February, and she's already pregnant. Plus she knew she would have to have IVF so didn't have years of infertility problems and tests leading up to that....

Mmmn, shes just given birth! Ever thought that might be having an effect on her?

if you are friends, can't you see each other without the children?

I can see both sides tbh. Yes she shouldn't have had an outburst but I imagine if she has a baby a few weeks old she might be a bit hormonal, depressed even and most certainly sleep deprived.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

Neither of you come off well in this situation IMO.
Both of you seem to think yours is only feeling/opinion that matters.
Her comments were very upsetting, but I guess she has just had a baby and is still a bit hormonal?
If she has been repeatedly rude to you and obv the comments she made in the run up to your wedding and on the day are still rankling why keep the friendship going?
Let it go.
Congrats on your pg.

YANBU.
It's almost like she was trying to pick a fight with her insistence that you see the baby so soon knowing you wouldn't be able to....
Most of my friends didn't see my babies until the were 5/6 weeks or older. Iff I'd sent rude texts to everyone who didn't see them ASAP I wouldn't have any friends left.

It isn't as if you have said you don't want to see her baby at all, ever. Just that you weren't feeling well and wanted to wait a while.

Can see why she was upset at not meeting her baby but the things she said are pretty unforgivable so YANBU.