WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

I have had ICSI and know what it does to you. DH invited friends over with their tiny baby when were on the two week wait. I could barely cope with it.

Anyway, your friend sounds like she's been pretty horrible and I don't blame you for wanting to cut contact but I think you can salvage the friendship. You have both been caught up in important events in your own lives and felt hurt by the other person's response. In your case, your friend's lack of sensitivity and your friend has been hurt by your lack of interest in seeing her baby.

I am sure you can get back on track, if you value her as a friend. If, however, you see no place for her in your life then just move on.

"she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally"

For me, that is a deal breaker!!

Ok, I know what its like to have a new baby and I may be hurt if an old friend didn't feel up to meeting the baby but we also had fertility problems and were 3 weeks away from starting IVF (I was extremely lucky and found out I was pregnant then). We were told it was unlikely we would ever conceive naturally and IVF (the 1 cycle on the NHS) was our ONLY hope. It was an awful time. I read up thoroughly on the procedure and was dreading it as it sounded awful.

Your friend is incredibly insensitive whether she has just had a baby or not. Lucky her where it obviously came easily.

She obviously thought what she said otherwise she would never had said it in the first place. I wouldn't let her take it back as I would never ever forget it, even if I tried.

I agree there have been some faults on both sides. In fact it is rare for there not to be in this sort of situation.

But as someone who conceived both my sons the first month of trying I can't comprehend bring so lacking in understanding of how hard it would be for a friend going through ivf to meet my baby.

One of my close friend, also one of my bridesmaids, miscarried her baby while I was pregnant with ds1. They would have been due about the same time. She couldn't talk to me without crying but was able to talk by email (she lives couple of hundred miles away). My reaction wasn't 'how dare you not share my excitement of my new baby' but rather upset that I wasn't able to give her the support she needed because she couldn't cope with talking to me. Yes, I was going through a wonderful but also stressful time (terrible sleep, extremely painful breast feeding as he had a tongue tie, emergency section) but there was no way that trumped her grief in losing her baby.

In fact I remember looking at my wonderful little boy when he was 3 days old and crying for my friend (and another who had had years of ivf that hadn't been successful) that they might never experience the wonder of this.

I just can't comprehend being so self absorbed that I wouldn't have had this empathy to friend struggling with infertility / miscarriages, and that's a someone with absolutely no personal experience of either.

So unless Amy would give a totally different side to this that would help me understand her point of view YANBU. But unless you feel the friendship is totally beyond repair I don't see what harm meeting up and talking through this would do. At least then, if you can't work through this, you'll not have any regrets about walking away.

Fantastic post Yellow.

Just caught up with what she was like re your wedding.

She wasn't in the least bit of supportive, all she did was make it awkward for you to get her accessories and criticise everything else, including your choice of groom! I can see why your friendship soured, she wasn't much of a friend to you and I would have been distant after that anyway. In fact it wasn't long after my own wedding that I cut ties with my own bridesmaids as they weren't supportive of me for different reasons and I didn't have the energy to deal with them anymore and I felt they were selfish people.

I don't actually see that you would regret it if you do cut ties with her. I think we outgrow people sometimes. I don't have much of a relationship with my friends from school. I kept trying but I got fed up of them. I have no problem cutting friends who don't bother at all.

It really sounds like to me that you have outgrown each other and its time to move on. I still think that no matter if others think that YABU, what she said about you not being a good mother is completely unforgivable.

Oh and congratulations!!!!

I had friends having IVF while I was pregnant, and they managed to somehow be extremely graceful about holding my newborn I have no idea how. I was fully expecting them to not want to see her and I would never have taken offence. I was ready for them to only contact by phone until the magic happened for them. YANBU, she is being awful and so self centered and uncaring. I would actually call her and say while I understand she's sorry the fact she said those things at all knowing the situation as well as the wedding stuff means she is not the person I thought she was and I no longer want her in my life. Wish her well, and end the call politely.

Congratulations by the way!

I think up to the point of her outburst, you were being a teensy bit unreasonable. It would have been nice if you could have managed a short visit (her coming to you if you weren't feeling up to going out). I say that as someone who has recently been through IVF, so I do understand how emotionally charged it is. My social life suffered while I was going through it, but more because of uncertainty over timings making it difficult to plan anything in advance than because I was deliberately hiding away. Her baby was the biggest thing in her life and she just wanted to share it. Most of my friends have had babies while we have been going through never-ending unsuccessful ttc, but I have gone and held them and bought baby presents, etc.

However, I think what she said to you is awful and I would find that very difficult to forgive. It's probably time for you to move apart.

I think you have both had a hard time - her with PND and you with infertility/IVF. I can understand you both feeling very sensitive. I've been through both of your traumas myself.

Accept her apology - she obviously has absolutely no idea how horrible infertility/IVF is and has made the first move in apologising. Do say that you both need to encourage and support each other from now on as she has been very hurtful previously.

I would give her a second chance but be totally honest with her.

Also, you obviously had to look after your own basic physical/mental needs first and foremost, above the social needs of others.

Sometimes friendships come to a natural end. I'm sorry that someone you considered a close friend has done this but sometimes that is life. Hopefully you can visit her soon and not have an elephant in the room. Or else just move on and remember the good memories.

"that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then I would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)"

you are so much better off without her.

personally I would just ignore but maybe you would feel better responding with 'what you said really hurt me at a time when I should have been without stress. I accept that you are sorry and hope to see you in the future but right now I am concentrating on getting through the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy and hope that you can be a good friend and give me that space'

FWIW - I had IVF and there's no way I would have wanted another family visiting my house with young children when going through the injections, egg collection and waiting for a result.

YANBU at all to have requested that they not come.

yellow that was a lovely post.

I get where you're coming from. I had fertility problems but have two children now. A good friend also had fertility problems and several unsuccessful IVF attempts. She rarely acknowledged my youngest (born during her IVF's) and I completely understood and would not bring my children up in conversation - we'd been friends pre-kids so had lots of non-children stuff in common. It is very sad though but I think YANBU. My friend went on to have a baby and things have fallen back into place - I always hoped they would- even if only when my children got bigger and less dependant on me. I think a good friend makes allowances for their friends.

I haven't had IVF or fertility issues, so I don't know exactly how it feels, but I would never pressure someone to see my baby in general. It reeks of showy offy attention seeking imo.

I would personally end the friendship. I had a friendship from secondary school, and in many ways things were good. However, she had a cunning knack to make me feel like crap, and regularly put down my parenting skills with stupid comments. I spent the last year of our friendship feeling obligated to stay in touch, telling myself that she wasn't always nasty and she was well meaning. She did a horrid comment, and I just wrote 'whatever' and blocked her and didn't answer any of her messages. I thought I would feel guilty, but I don't at all. She caused me so much grief, it was just pure and utter relief to have nothing to do with her.

Do what's best for you.

I'd like to hear Amy's side actually. You needed ivf because your DH had a vasectomy, and only started ivf in Februay, so you fell pregnant on your first or second cycle. Not really a long period of TTC and if your dh has previous children, then your chances should have been good to conceive within a fairly standard time frame. Do you think there may be an element of truth to her claim that you have been acting a bit overthe top? If her daughter is six weeks, that means you were only in your first cycle when she had her DD. Did you have much to do with her during her pregnancy.

There's always three sides to every story...your side, her side, and the truth.

That's rather harsh Midnite. You have no idea how long the OP has been TTC, how long she had to wait to get IVF or what impact those have had on her physical or emotional well-being.

Goldmandra, by the OPs own post she knew she would need ivf to conceive as her dh had already had a vasectomy when they married, and she had her first cycle in Feb. It's not harsh when I say that Amy's POV may be very different from the OP's since we don't know what her POV or what has gone on in the past. We are only getting the OPs view of this, and naturally is going to be biased.

Well if I needed IVF I wouldn't be getting it the first month I knew I needed it. I would have to save up the money or possibly go on an NHS waiting list. That could take quite a long time.

I agree with Midnite- I would like to hear Amy's side.

Her texting outburst was totally unreasonable obviously but, other than that, I think that there is fault on both sides and perhaps more on yours than hers.

You knew that you might well need IVF or at least have fertility issues as you married someone who has had a vasectomy. You had one cycle and have fallen pregnancy straight away (congratulations). You seem to have been really fortunate under the circumstances. I think that is a very very different situation psychologically from someone who has ttc for years, has had failed IVF previously, etc. That must be absolutely heart breaking. I suspect that this may be what Amy is thinking.

It appears from what you have written that you didn't want to meet her even after your positive test, having refused several times already. I can understand why she feels hurt. Maybe she is having a really tough time with the new baby and coping with a toddler too. Have you asked at all? Have you sent a card or gift to show that you are thinking of her even though you have been going through a hard time yourself? You have accused her of thinking the world revolves around her but actually, you seem to be doing exactly the same thing.

Ultimately, only you can decide if the friendship has run its course and whether it is worth contacting her back. Her previous nasty comments at your wedding do put a different slant on things.

I doubt doubt that there may be a wait, but it's a very different situation to a couple that may have tried for years and not know why they can't conceive before even getting to ivf. My point is that we don't know what has really gone on between these two friends. It would be rare for a close friend of twelve years to have an outburst like that out of the blue without there being a heck of a lot more backstory.

Hum.

Been through IVF three times to get my little DS. It was so hard going to baby showers, cuddling new borns and worst of all (for me) the dreaded pregnancy announcements.

I have a friend who after 3 mc at 45 yrs old is now unlikely to ever get the happy ending she wants. She is a very kind and thoughtful friend but she cannot really bring herself to talk about my DS much, and sees him very rarely.

I would be the last person to ever judge her for this. Instead we plan childfree evenings and talk about other things. Infertility is not a path you walk easily, and each of us must cope in our own ways.

It's been awhile since op posted!

She said in her last post that she had to go to work and wouldn't be back till this evening.

I worked with someone when I was pregnant with ds1. She and her DH couldn't conceive naturally and on their 3rd and final round of IVF she got pregnant, on the day I left for maternity leave she went for a scan and found out the baby had no heartbeat and went home to wait 2 weeks to miscarry. She somehow found the strength to come to the hospital a few weeks later when DS was born to see us. I understand how hard that must have been. So to be honest, after being friends with someone for twelve years I think you could have made just a tiny effort to be pleased for her and visited, even for ten minutes.

I think this is just really really bad timing.

None of us know how she was feeling after the birth of her first-born, she could have been having a really difficult time, and really needed your support, and she was just dropped by you entirely.

On the other hand, you had a really good reason to not feel up to seeing her, and if she wasn't post-natal and hormonal with a newborn she may have understood that better.

She then lashed out in a very horrible way, so I wouldn't blame you if you decide not to see her again. In fact, even if you do see her again, I'm not sure you can get over this... but I would say it is maybe 10% her fault, 10% yours and 80% the terrible timing of her first-born and your IVF coinciding almost exactly.