Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

195 replies

exoticfruits · 19/03/2013 22:38

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

OP posts:
cory · 20/03/2013 18:21

It was a leading question and for many of us would be impossible to answer without giving a misleading answer.

If you say "no" you imply that you wouldn't miss your children, if you say "yes" you imply that you don't think they should be spending equal time with their father.

freddiemisagreatshag · 20/03/2013 18:24

I'm with usuallysick - the whole tone of the OP has really really got to me and I've been in tears over it. And I rarely cry. And that's two threads in two days on here have made me cry.

Am I less of a mother than you exotic because I don't mind sometimes when my kids are with their dad? I like the me time and the time to be with DP as a couple? The lazy mornings in bed?

My ex has a new girlfriend. One of the DC's was with him last night, the other with me (I took her to a hospital appointment). They went to his GFs mother's house and had tea and she got an Easter Egg. A big massive expensive Lindt one. And one each to bring home for the other DCs. Because his GF has no kids, her mother has no grandkids and she views ex's and mine kids as the grandkids she never had. How is that a bad thing?

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:25

In the last thread I didn't say most parents-I said most mothers-it was as a direct result of that.
I wasn't interested in what arrangements people make-I wasn't being judgemental-the people that I have the greatest respect for are posters like usuallysickonaswing, who does what is best for the DCs regardless of personal feelings.
I was finding out if I could speak for most mothers-clearly not.
The reason was that as a woman I couldn't speak for most fathers. The ones that I know would hate it- but I know more women to talk to about parenting.

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 20/03/2013 18:25

I don't think yes implies that - I do agree that my children should be spending time with their father, but that didn't stop me from being almost paralysed with grief when they first started doing so.

The OP isn't a judgement on what is best for the children, it is a question about how the parent (in this case mothers, not unreasonable given the nature of the forum) feels (not thinks, feels) about not having them in her home.

ChasingSquirrels · 20/03/2013 18:27

and I also think there is a massive different between how you feel initially, and how you feel down the line in an established agreement - the two can be (and certainly were for me) totally different.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 20/03/2013 18:31

Well I'm in this position but from the other side. DSD is with us for one week and her Mum for a week. It works for all of us. I offered for my DDs father to have joint residency but he ran a mile. Apparently it would be too hard as he works....

I'm a FT student, DH works FT and does DSDs Mum. We manage.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:31

I'm sorry to have upset you freddie-that was not the intention. On the original thread I disagreed with the fact that most women were happy if they couldn't have their children with them.
I have always told people not to post on AIBU and I shall stick to my own advice.
There is obviously no such thing as a simple poll and all I have done is upset people in that position-for which I am really, really sorry.
I am going to ask to have it deleted-the whole thread- so please could people stop posting because it is clearly upsetting and they never get deleted immediately.
I am just going to say sorry once more to those that I upset and leave it. I really am sorry.

OP posts:
Mitchy1nge · 20/03/2013 18:43

what a crazy fucked up question, I'd love it if I had an ex who could be trusted not to abandon/shout at/otherwise neglect the children and share all the care - I really really wanted my children to have a good relationship with their dad, I thought it was vitally important and went to extreme lengths (esp. emotionally) to facilitate it (it all went horribly wrong)

are there really people who are such control freaks they have to do everything for their children?

that aside who really wants to be on call and responsible 24/7 for decades Shock (depending on how far apart children are in age) have been doing it for about 25 yrs

crashdoll · 20/03/2013 18:43

How can it be a simple "would you be happy" without thinking of the kids?! Surely you would take that into consideration? Unless you think you could be happy if your kids were not?

BegoniaBampot · 20/03/2013 18:48

i see it as would a prefer 50/50 shared time with an ex or would i prefer to have them the majority of the time with the dad having regular access like two days a week. i'd want the most of the time if i had a choice.

Domjolly · 20/03/2013 18:56

I think this is madness unless the child is under 4 and not at school or you live down the road for each other i really dont see how this is good for a child espically one in secondary school

My mates ex went for shared care he live 4 hours away from here his idead was for my mate to wake the kids up at 5am and then deive them the 4 hours to school on the friday then the weekend then wake then up at 5 on the monday a drive them the 4 hours again it was luckly the judge was sane bevause CRAPCASS were actually thinking it could work Shock

And my anutie who live in the the us flys her daughter out to a diffrent state half ther year last term she couldnt get her bank into the same school she usually can her education has bsically been destroyed for the coming and going

Also i would question those who say well its fine the stepmum dose most of the care in my view whats the point of them being there then

Domjolly · 20/03/2013 18:59

I think auite a lot of ex parnters simply leave it to the new squeeze hence all the bitching about step chikdren from step mums on other threads or drop the kids round there mum

My sister partner has gotton into this habbit sadly my sister loves her step son but i would say she has him about 75% of the time

JenaiMorris · 20/03/2013 19:00

"arrangements that would make life easy for the children"

That's it really, isn't it.

Which might mean weekends with one parent, weekdays the other. Or x nights here and x nights there.

YANBU OP because I would fucking hate it, but then so would my child's father.

AllDirections · 20/03/2013 19:01

It was a straightforward question and most of the replies have proven the OP right, in that most mothers (according to these replies) would not be happy with a 50/50 split or are not happy that they have a 50/50 split. I'm just not one of them (I don't think) Grin

freddiemisagreatshag · 20/03/2013 19:01

I found the other thread.

I need a job. I have to work to support my children. I work away from home on average 5 days a month. In order for me to have that job my children have to spend nights in bed not in my home. The compensation is the wages I get paid. Can you in any way see that Exotic?

And I don't view myself as a "superior" parent to my ex - the only people who have any rights are the children and they are the only people whose opinion and likes or dislikes for a situation really matter.

Also, bear in mind that anyone posting this from a married pov is posting a hypothetical "I wouldn't like it because this is our current set up". I was a SAHM, my ex worked long hours. When we were together. Once we weren't things changed. So my views and opinions about what I would do if I were divorced and so on were totally spurious and irrelevant - because unless you're in the situation you don't know and you should not judge. Because if you judge you are likely to hurt, offend and upset someone who is dealing with a situation to the best of their ability that you know fuck all about.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 19:08

As explained-I have asked to have it deleted-unfortunately it is never immediate.
People either don't understand the question or are getting upset.
I shall stick to my policy of never stating a thread.
Hopefully it will be deleted soon-in the meantime please ignore.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 19:09

starting-not stating

OP posts:
YouBrokeMySmoulder · 20/03/2013 19:10

50/50 makes me much happier because it means the other person is actually involved in schooling and drops off and after school clubs and all of that sort of stuff amd not just sweeping in and taking them to the zoo on the weekends.

I think the OP has grated a bit as it is a bit of a mummy martyrish thread. I am happy with the situation therefore I must not love my dc as much as someone who really couldnt bear it. Just like the people who say they couldnt bear to leave them for a weekend with granny or at nursery Hmm

Domjolly i think you need to make a commitment to live near eachother yes. Isnt this normal in an amicable split?

freddiemisagreatshag · 20/03/2013 19:19

Not meant to be stirring, genuine question, do HQ delete because the OP wants a thread deleted? Because I didn't think they really did? (If they do I'm going to ask for one of mine to be deleted is why I'm asking)

sunshine401 · 20/03/2013 19:21

You cannot bear the thought as a mother. Think about the father he has the same feelings for his children too.
You would not be happy with half a week , so you definitely would not be happy with just a weekend would you?
Both parents are both equal in regards to the the children. If 50/50 is possible it should be taken up. A child needs both parents just as much as the parents need them.
(I know there are cases of neglectful mums and dads who do not want to see their own children but that is a whole different topic)

b4bunnies · 20/03/2013 19:30

it sounds like a bad idea to me. and the children i know who do it never have their homework, or their uniform, because its always 'at my mum's' or 'at my dad's'.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 20/03/2013 19:38

As a mother I'd hate it! Thankfully my ex has never asked for it.

Also in my family, I don't think it would work, although I'm sure it does for others.

And while I understand the question of 'how does the father feel' well in my situation, I don't care. That probably makes me sound likes really nasty bitch, BUT, ex does things like tell the boys he'll see them on x day, then not turn up, no notice just no show. Then he posts on fb how he's had a nice family day at the seaside (with his gf and her kids)

I asked him if he wanted them one weekday evening, apparently it's not convenient. This is despite the fact he only lives a 10 min drive away, so could easily have them from school pick up until bed.

Bobyan · 20/03/2013 19:42

Love your approach Op start a thread "conducting" a poll about an emotional subject, make sweeping judgemental statements and then when you get pulled up on what you have said you ask for the thread to be deleted.

Not to mention the fact that it is a thread about a thread...

MammaTJ · 20/03/2013 19:49

AllDirections, less to do with it being my choice, more because their Dad is still me DP, so there is no resentment, little disagreement and they remain in our family home. I will have a lot of communication with them while I am away, which may not be realistic in a shared custody situation.

LineRunner · 20/03/2013 19:51

As someone whose ExH has probably seen his own children once a month over the past ten years at most, and whose ExH pays a pittance in child support, and whose career has gone down the toilet as a result of his nevertheless seeking a contact order which keeps me in his ghastly vicinity:

I would have loved 50/50 contact arrangements. But they would have had to have been legally enforceable; and quite frankly, the man's incapable of turning up on time once a month to the right place.

So I wouldn't feel too fantastic about his ability to get the DCs to school at all, for example, let alone on time. Or to turn up at parents' eveinings (he's never managed it yet), or support DD through some difficult teenage years.