to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

[exoticfruits]

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

WRT a stepmother. my dcs have a stepmother and i have no issue with this. in fact it probably makes it easier to know she is there as she seems to do most of the chidlcare stuff when the dcs are there. EXP wouldn't make buns with them or take them to the hairdressers or make sure they had all their uniforms washed. his partner does and so i know that they are going into school in clean clothes with their hair brushed and on time

This is result of an argument with Booyhoo who tells me that the above is quite common. I just don't believe it is. I don't want an ex's DP taking DD off to have her hair cut-without consulting me-and as equal parents there is no need to.

Your OP comes across as very judgmental to me, like there is something wrong with a mother who is happy with 50/50 access and there is nothing wrong with that if it works for them.

There is nothing judgemental about it. It is a genuine question-putting it to the vote. I said that most women wouldn't want it (whatever they happened to actually do) and Booyhoo has told me at least 4 times that I can't speak for most women. This is a poll, nothing more and nothing less. I have every admiration for women who can. I said that I would stand corrected if most women were quite happy.
I won't know unless I ask.

For what it is worth I believe that 50/50 is best for children so I would do it, and appear to do it with good grace, but this doesn't mean that I wouldn't hate it-and that was the question-gut feeling.

im not bothered about him having a stepmother. Shes very nice and seems genuinely fond of ds1. hes also got a stepdad who loves him like his own.
I really think youre being pre-judgemental about stepfamilies.
They dont have to involve jealousy.

" I have spent a lot of time reading step parenting threads and people don't have an issue with the parent (in most cases) but they do have huge issues with the new partner-either they think her cold and unfeeling, that she favours her own children or that she is too loving and taking over too much."

i said this on the other thread but i'll repeat it here. what you read on MN is not an accurate representation of blended families. you are reading the posts from people who have an issue with whatever their situation is. you are also reading posts that are in the majority, by mothers. if MN was a website made up equally of both mothers and fathers then you would likely see that alot of fathers would have a problem with another man bathing their dcs 50% of the week. missing your children and not liking another adult caring for them isn't just reserved for female parents. men are completely capable of these feelings.

" I don't want an ex's DP taking DD off to have her hair cut-without consulting me-and as equal parents there is no need to."

lots of parents wouldn't, male and female. the fact that you are female and wouldn't like it doesn't mean that it is a female trait to not like it.

and i have never told you that the situation i am in is quite common. i have said that you cannot speak for most women based on your own feelings.

The thing is though, whether you would hate it is irrelevant if its what's best for the kids. Every situation is different - the reason you split up, how hands in the dad is, the relationship between SM and kids even SM and the mother, even what job both Parent does or location of the school.
I would assume that if my relationship breaks down to the point that this is an issue then I'll probably have to deal with lots of things i'd 'hate' but that ultimately whatever happened was in the kids best interest.

I think this point about step-parents is really key, isn't it? You often see posts (on MN so I'm going to guess predominately from women) expressing negative emotions about step-P's, while conveniently forgetting their X probably feels exactly the same about the other step-P. You really can't have your cake and eat it - if you'll take your new partner to parents' night, you have to accept your X is equally entitled to take theirs...

As long as the dc are happy I would do whatever makes them the happiest.

If all adults are polite and civil and decent I don't think mother has priority tbh.

Of course I would prefer my dc to be with me every day, but if they wanted to be with their dad part time then I'd just get on with it.

I would find 50/50 hard but this situation would never arise for me as DD's dad is far too selfish to commit to an arrangement like that anyway. I would like him to have her every other weekend (overnight stay) to give me a break but I don't get that either. I think I'm truly at the other side of the coin to what you're talking about

I think the thing with step parents is that for some people it really activates something in your core being. I know that sounds twatty but I have no other way of describing it. My own personal experience is around 20 years ago and still gives me the rages.

I am in exactly this situation with my 2 dc's 50/50 shared custody across the course of a week. This has been the situation for the last 8 years since my children were 1.5 and 5. We both have new partners, ex-dp has a new child and I have one on the way in a few weeks, so ticking most of your "wouldn't you hate it" boxes there.

Your OP comes across as very judgemental to me, whether it's what you meant or not it states that you'd hate this arrangement and then questioning why others have suggested that you can't speak for all women! Surely this is the very definition of making a judgement, especially having never been through this yourself.

In response to your question though I think that there's a really key line of thinking that you've totally overlooked...that custody arrangements when negotiated and agreed should be based on what's best for the CHILDREN not on the preferences of one or other of the parents. That's how we arrived at the custody arrangements we have and that's also why I don't hate it, because I know I'm doing the best I can for them under difficult circumstances.

I really couldn't do it and would dread any kind of 50:50. But then I honestly, hand on heart, do not believe that men can parent in the same way as women (awaits being shot down in flames).

I am lucky in that DD's father has had nothing to do with us since I had her, so I've never had to worry about anyone else's input (although I can appreciate it's not ideal for a child to have a fuckwit of an absent father).

I admit to being terrified that if I were to find a partner and have children, that there would be the possibility of splitting up and having to share access to the children. Which is why I'm almost inclined to go down the donor sperm route in future, than have a partner.

But it seems perfectly acceptable for the non resident patent to have every other weekend and a midweek contact and for this to be deemed generous.

And I can't imagine the pain of seeing my children twice a fortnight.

And in the eow scenario the resident parents new partner would see the children far more than the real parent.

Fortunately for me my ex is wonderful and we share the care of OUR children.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday. I'm a single parent and my childs father is completly absent. My friend was saying how much easier it must be for single parents with shared custody and I had to disagree, I would hate it.
Lots of single parents work full time and often weekends are the only quality time they have with their kids.
I'm not sure 50/50 is best for kids, I think everyone needs the security of a main home plus it might not be practical in a lot of cases where parents live miles away from childrens school for example.

Well, yes, I would hate it. That would be my gut feeling, as a mother.

My dh would also hate it. That would be his gut feeling, as a father.

Working out custody arrangements that would be best for the CHILDREN would be our RESPONSIBILITY, as parents. Regardless of what we, personally, might have a gut feeling that we hated.

I think this point about step-parents is really key, isn't it? You often see posts (on MN so I'm going to guess predominately from women) expressing negative emotions about step-P's, while conveniently forgetting their X probably feels exactly the same about the other step-P. You really can't have your cake and eat it - if you'll take your new partner to parents' night, you have to accept your X is equally entitled to take theirs...

This.

This is why I specifically put step mother in OP and not just the father and the children. It would be a question of another woman bathing and putting to bed your 4 yr old. I have spent a lot of time reading step parenting threads and people don't have an issue with the parent (in most cases) but they do have huge issues with the new partner-either they think her cold and unfeeling, that she favours her own children or that she is too loving and taking over too much.

And this is why I have a lot of respect for the step-parents I know. You treat the child well, like your own, like a part of your family and you are accused of being too loving; you step back and let the biological parent be in control and you are too cold. And God forbid you have your own children.

It would be hard to share custody 50/50 but I believe my husband has as much right as I do to care for our children and furthermore the children need their father as much as they need me.

'But then I honestly, hand on heart, do not believe that men can parent in the same way as women (awaits being shot down in flames). '

Maybe not, doesn't mean they're worse parents though.

It's a strange question really because the thought of something is always worse than it actually happening, imagination is instant, real situations take time to develop, good relations take effort and time to buld.

The thought of my DH be married to someone else, having children by them and having our children 1/2 the week actually makes me feel sick.

In reality, if I were in that situation, chances are he wouldn't move out and instantly breed, or move in with someone else and together we would find something that worked for both of us. Even if he did eventually remarry, and/or move in with someone else who had children, even if he did eventually have children with this person, over time it would probably be okay. I would certainly not refuse, or be the child.

Even if the best was an uneasy peace.

Asking would I like it is a VU question, because I wouldn't like it if DH and I split up full stop. It's very different to living it and accepting it if it's the best option.

My DH is as much a capable parent as I am. He does things differently, but equally well.

I would be quite happy to,depending on the set up at dhs house.If we had split up of our own accord(not because of affairs or something)then i wouldn't mind,i would miss them,but he would miss them too i guess.If he had left for another woman i wouldnt feel comfortable about it until she had been on the scene a long time.

It doesn't matter whether or not I'd hate it, if its in the best interests of the children then its what should happen. My DH would be just as devastated at not being with his children all the time as I would be. Both of us love our children equally and both of our feelings are equally important.

My OH is a very hands on father. Way more hands on than his ex wife. Unless there's documented abuse and/or neglect though, a judge "decided" how the shared custody is split, based on a generalization that fathers only want/need/deserve a certain (ridiculously short) amount of time and the child is best off with the mother, and so OH has nowhere near enough time with his child, despite the fact he wants it, and also he does more with his child in the short time he's given. His ex palms the child off to her parents or her brother or her cousin, and won't entertain giving my OH more time. Because that would mean a reduction in the maintenance. Heaven forbid.

He would love his child to even spend close to 50/50 with him/us. It would mean the world to him. But he can't, as the law really is an ass here. And the ex is not at all willing to lose any child support. She's already admitted that's her motivation. In reality she spends less than a third of her time with her child. And the time she does spend, she sends her child to her room to play on her wii or watch tv as she is "tired". And that's breaking my OH heart as he would dearly love to have her with him rather than shut away in her room.

It's really a tough one, this custody thing. They have shared and joint custody which implies fairness or equality. In reality it's not at all fair or joint.

I've seen lots of great solutions to child residencies,

one couple we know well(I know of a few others who also done this), when they realised they were staying together because they didn't want to destroy their children's world, by moving out of a home that is in a place they love, and all their friends and family are on the doorstep, both found other living arrangements, the children have still got the family home, they take it in turns to live there,mostly week on week off, so there has been very little change to their children's lives, they started it as an experiment, and found it worked really well.

We know quite a few couples who realising they were approaching splitting up, bought the house next door, or moved to adjoining properties, and the children flit back and forth as they feel like it, or as childcare dictates.

all the people we know who have sort out arrangements that would make life easy for the children, have found it very worth while.

I think it depends on the man. Had my parents split when I was younger, I would definitely have wanted 50/50 custody, as my dad is/was an amazing, involved father.

As is my husband. I'd like to think we could at least shoot for 70/30 in the event of a split, provided the split was mostly amicable and involved no violence, nor long-distance trekking for the children midway through the week.