Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

195 replies

exoticfruits · 19/03/2013 22:38

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

OP posts:
SashaSashays · 20/03/2013 13:19

I think that there is some difference between men and women, but that only comes from my personal experience and as we're all individuals I know that there are many men who are not like this.

Across the families I know, so including my own relatives, neighbours, colleagues and friends, there are only a handful who find the Fathers taking up as much access as possible, so for 2 this is every other weekend and a weekday night, for one this is 50/50 (although this is apparently changing as the father is moving in with his gf). All of the other families have issues getting the fathers to accept all the contact offered or half the time show up or inconvenience themselves.

My 'Ex' or more appropriate the father of my eldest son, hasn't seen him in 8 years. He was only interested once he shacked up with some woman and he was apparently 'settled'. When I refused to participate in him playing happy families he quickly lost interest and after DS telling him where to go he hasn't been around since.

jellybeans · 20/03/2013 13:20

YANBU. I would hate it for small DC. But as they got older (11+) would be OK if that worked out best for DC.

jellybeans · 20/03/2013 13:21

'My personal opinion is that children need one base whether that be with Mum OR Dad and 50/50 is more for the parents than the children.'

I agree with this too.

Sallystyle · 20/03/2013 13:23

I do sometimes get miffed that I do the hard part of parenting.. the school runs, homework, meetings and all of that stuff while my ex gets to do all the fun stuff but I think that is often the case when you divorce and you are the custodial parent. Is that the right term for it??

I love my children's step mother. I speak to her every couple of days just to chat with her about everyday life. If I need or want extra money for something for them I can just call either of them and they always help me out (although to be fair, he doesn't pay me a great deal maintenance) we have a pretty good set up and I have never once felt any jealously or insecurity that another woman cares for my children. The more she loves them the better. My husband loves them just as much as he loves his two bio children and my ex is also happy that they have a loving step father.

So to answer your OP, yes, I would be happy to have 50/50 custody if that is what is best for my children and no, having another woman put my children to bed does not worry me or make me feel jealous in any way shape or form.

FreckledLeopard · 20/03/2013 13:37

I think Dragonwoman hits the nail on the head. I know very few instances where a father is ever as hands on as the mother. The notion that fathers would miss their children as much as mothers often doesn't ring true in a number of circumstances. Lots of men are hands-off fathers, lots work more hours than a woman, many are happy to let women get on with child-rearing and only participate in the 'fun' aspects of parenting. Whether that's owing to societal norms, the fact that men tend to continue working full-time etc I don't know. But I think it's rare that a guy does anything like 50:50 parenting. And - I don't know of many men that want to do 50:50 either.

Perhaps it's because my father was hands-off, all my family have hands-off fathers and DD's father has never even met her. But I can never, ever imagine a society in which women were hands-off or chose to walk away from their children in the same way as so many men do.

3kidsnopeace · 20/03/2013 13:39

I don't understand the idea that children need "one base only". My DSC have 2 homes, 2 lots of everything and they don't need to "remember" to bring their uniform/sports kit/tedyy/washbag etc to our house or their mums as they have everything they need at both houses.

Habing said that we don't send them back and forth every other day, they live with us for a whole week then with their mum for a whole week, and so on.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 13:39

I would imagine that most fathers wouldn't be happy either but I happened to be speaking for most women when the argument started, so I didn't include them in the poll. However it is pretty useless as a poll since no one is going to say the simple 'yes' or 'no'.

I don't see the difficulty-I would do whatever was best for the DCs-but privately (so privately that no one knew) I would not be happy. I can't see why that is so impossible to admit.

I must say that I am somewhat surprised since many mothers on here won't let a 5 yr old have a play date with a family they don't know, won't let a 6 yr old boy get changed in the men's changing room, won't let an 8 yr old boil a kettle, won't leave a 10 yr old at home alone for half an hour and yet they would have no control at all-they wouldn't even necessarily know until well after the event-if then.

Anyway- give in-I can't speak for most women-apparently they would be quite happy to have a child free home 50% of the time.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 20/03/2013 13:41

My DP's exW is perfectly happy with 50:50 - in fact, she doesn't always bother to stay in on the 50% of evenings that DSS2 is at her home. DSS1 got fed up a while back and now lives with us FT.

So the assumption in the OP that mothers like to be primary carer with father having access is not always true.

Bonsoir · 20/03/2013 13:42

My DP was always the hands-on parent - the one who did the school run, paid for the nanny and did homework - even when the DSSs were very little and he and exW were still together.

(he didn't do any housekeeping, however)

WilsonFrickett · 20/03/2013 13:44

Dragon presumably when your husband took jobs away it was to help provide for his family and you'd discussed it and the impact on the family vs the longer term gain?

I would quite happily work away from home for a period of time if it was the right thing longer-term for us - like getting the 'right' job - and I certainly don't see my DP's frequent work trips as somehow making him a lesser parent. The opposite in fact. He works bloody hard to enable us to have the family life that is best for DS (mild SN but mainstream, however to an extent that childcare/after school club would just be too much for him to handle at the moment, so someone has to be there at 3pm for pick-ups).

I honour (how un-MN is that word and I'm a feminist too Grin) my DH for the very long hours and very hard work he puts in to enable me to have downshifted my (also once very successful) career to do what's right for DS. He's a bloody fantastic parent.

Sorry for hi-jack, gears were gripped by that comment...

elastamum · 20/03/2013 13:47

I miss my DC when they are at their dads but it give me the opportunity to fit in business trips, or catch up on projects. I work full time and am always struggling to fit everything in.

They dont do 50:50, but that is more down to ex h's work schedule and the fact that they prefer to come home to mine during the week. Because we live nearby they can come and go from each house pretty much as they please.

Dragonwoman · 20/03/2013 13:50

Actually for school-age DCs I think I would be happy with 50:50 as long as I felt his home set-up was stable & welcoming and he lived locally to school etc.
I'm thinking of a 3.5 days each senario, which is what the only couple in real life I know of with 50:50 do.
For pre schoolers, no I wouldn't be happy. Not stable enough for them & too confusing.

BegoniaBampot · 20/03/2013 13:52

Don't know why it is so hard to answer the Op's question.Yes, I'd hate it - especially when they are little and still primary age.

My husband would hate it as well and is a good father (but that wasn't the question or what is best for the children). I feel I have raised my children (SAHM) I chose their schools and did all the research. Found them dentists, do everything for school, shop for everything they need, etc. husband works away a lot and has always been partial to weekends away from his friends etc when the kids were little.

elastamum · 20/03/2013 13:52

FWIW my now DP is a 50:50 parent with care, and has always been a very hands on dad. He has a great relationship with his DC. We both live apart though, as we feel it is more important for our DC, for us to both stay living near our DCs other parent

YouBrokeMySmoulder · 20/03/2013 13:53

We used to do 50/50 when ds was younger and ex and I lived around the corner from eachother and tbh when ds was going through the terrible twos it was a godsend, i worked pt on those days and I didnt resent him being with his dad. Why would I?

Now ds is older we have reverted to every other weekend and a weds and we have both remarried and got new dc. My gripe with the stepmum, if I have any, is that she isnt involved enough. I was hoping he would now have 4 strong parental influences in his life who loved and cared for him but they have gone down a hands off route so its only exdp who does things with him iyswim.

I miss him on the weekends he isnt here a lot more now that he is older but he loves being at his dads and thats the price you pay for splitting up.

We had an amicable split though and used to go on hols and hang out etc.

3kidsnopeace · 20/03/2013 13:54

Dragon Woman - We have 50/50 with a 4 yr old and a 5yr old. Not confusing for them at all, works really well actually. They go to the other home every 7 days though not 3.5 in each home.

OlyRoller · 20/03/2013 13:54

I do 50/50. My six year old is at his dad's every Monday and Tuesday and every other Sat/Sun. I work PT (25 hours/wk). I love it.

We live nearby one another, only 5 minutes by bike, so he never really feels like he's away and it is so nice to come home after work and not have to do dinner, bath, bedtime, etc. And have a lie-in every other Sunday.

When we were together I did ALL childcare, housework, grocery shopping so this is like a fantasy come true - an entire day to myself - every two weeks!

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 13:54

I'm glad that someone understood the question BegoniaBampot!

OP posts:
Dragonwoman · 20/03/2013 13:55

As for my husbands job - he didn't have to work away to provide - he chose to do so as the work was more interesting. I also work, but probably wouldn't make that choice
I agreed to it, but only because I could see his old job was making him bored & miserable. There was no advantage to me in the deal really. The money coming in wasn't any more than the old job, although the career progression for him was more promising. Plenty of men choose to work away in my experience & not many for necessity.

BegoniaBampot · 20/03/2013 14:00

YEs my husband enjoys working away for days or weeks on end rather than being stuck in the one place. It might have furthered his career and ear ing potential (though who knows) but he would still have earned well at home.

BornToFolk · 20/03/2013 14:06

However it is pretty useless as a poll since no one is going to say the simple 'yes' or 'no'.

Of course. It's a hugely complicated, emotive subject and it's hard for people to give a straight yes or no answer.

I'm not sure what your point was re play dates, changing rooms etc - can you elaborate?

AllDirections · 20/03/2013 14:10

I wouldn't hate it, but then I'm a totally knackered 24/7 parent, so maybe that's clouding how I would feel if my DC were away from me 50% of the time Sad

I could only do it happily if my X was a decent parent but the thought of a bit of extra time to work (especially without needing to organise and pay for childcare), relax or socialise has set me off daydreaming about how my life could be.

WilsonFrickett · 20/03/2013 14:13

Meh, when I had a 'proper' job I enjoyed working away from home and chased a promotion on the basis that it was more interesting. Didn't make me a less hands-on parent. Parenting is just one aspect of life, other things (like having an interesting job) are important too.

rottenscoundrel · 20/03/2013 14:20

both me and ex dh work full time

I don't like my kids being away from me at all but I travel for work, they go on sleepovers and they spend 2-3 nights a week with their father. Last week I saw my ds for only 3 days, this week I will see dd for only 3 days.

It's life and tbh, the question of perfectly happy is a difficult one. Had I stayed with ex dh, I would certainly not have been happy at all, in fact he made me thoroughly miserable and it cannot have been good for the dcs, so one of the outcomes of a separation is sharing care and that comes at a price (not having your dcs the whole week)! It's not a question of 'what makes you happy' or how happy you can be - it's a question of muddling through life....

Greythorne · 20/03/2013 14:22

My Dh is extremely hands off. If we ever separated (and I hope we never do as we are very happy together), I cannot imagine him asking or wanting 50% of the children's time nor can I imagine the children would want that.