to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

[exoticfruits]

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

I would hate it and cannot see any circumstances in which it would be beneficial for my children to be looked after for half the week by a woman other than me. No matter how nice she is, she would not be my children's mother.

That said, if someone is screwed over by their spouse, it seems very unfair for said spouse to also bugger off with their children. If you are the wronged party, then you shouldn't be caused further suffering by losing your kids for 50% of the time.

What an odd and ridiculous post. I'm sure fathers don't like their children living away from them either. Women don't have the monopoly on parenting.

karma cant you see how it would be beneficial for your children to be looked after for half the week by their father?

karma - your children would be being looked after by their father for half of the week.

We have 50-50 shared care of my DD. It tears my heart out when she isn't with me.
However, the whole point of contact is it benefits the child. This is what my daughter wants and really mine and my ExH's feelings don't come into it.
With respect the fact that you use the word custody and that you express that it is your feelings that are important shows that you have little knowledge of what the current situation is with contact and statement of arrangements.

I have never started a thread before and resolved never to start one on AIBU but could think of nowhere else to put it.

I don't realise that people misunderstood the question.

This is not a debate about divorce, step parenting, access, people's personal circumstances and it is not a judgement.

If I was divorced I think that the father has every rightly to equal access and that it is best for DCs too. Therefore that is what I would try to do if feasible with schools etc. That is NOT what it is about. It is about whether , in your heart of hearts , you would be happy.

A simple yes or no answer.

I think that most women would not be happy, but apparently I can't speak for most women so I am asking the question. So far it seems that most women are happy.

However the real problem is that people read the OP, put their own interpretation on, and don't read the rest.

If you have a wonderful relationship with your ex, you like his new partner and her DCs, you live within 2mins walk, their parenting styles are similar, your DCs are happy, and you can do a wonderful job in telling yourself that it is the best way (and believe it) are you happy? Yes or No (without the buts or ifs) it was only ever supposed to be a quick poll to see if I could speak for most women.
I would be unhappy,but keep it well hidden from all.

Exactly lonecat- that is what I would do but you have answered the question you are not happy. Of course it isn't about you- you do what is best for the child.

Putting aside my opinions of his parenting and looking solely at things from my point of view, at the time of the split with my XP, 50/50 (not week at a time, but a split of days) would have suited me very well, and in fact we did have 50/50 of sorts (albeit all in my home because XP didn't have somewhere suitable to take the children). It suited me perfectly because I was able to continue working and limit my use of childcare. At the time, I also thought it suited the children and was best for them. Because of that, if my XP had found a suitable place to live I would have happily allowed the arrangement to change to have the children with him in his home.

However, after about 6 months my XP moved a great distance away and no longer sees them. I now have my children 100% of the time. All three of them, my eldest in particular, are now so much happier, so much more settled, that I don't think 50/50 would ever be in their best interests. From a purely selfish point of view, I would still love it, but I would fight hard against it if the situation arose. I do not agree that 50/50 is the gold standard of child contact arrangements. I don't dispute that it is best for some children, but it is in no way in the best interests of all children.

exotic you wont ever get a complete answer to the question you are asking because very few people actually have the situation you describe "a wonderful relationship with your ex, you like his new partner and her DCs, you live within 2mins walk, their parenting styles are similar, your DCs are happy," so very few will be able to imagine teh scenario without the ifs or buts because we all draw on our own experiences when answering. there will always be the ifs or buts that you are refusing to permit because all situations are different and people want and feel different things. there will be no right answer which is why you cannot speak for most women as teh situation you imagine will be different than the one another woman imagine when answering.

aswell as teh fact that no-one is every completely 100% happy about any situation. there are pros and cons to everything.

Your issue seems not to be where they spend their time but who they spend their time with. You seem very insecure.

Would you allow a future partner to take care of your children in their fathers absence?

You really can't answer your question with "yes" or "no", OP so it isn't any use getting all snitty about the responses you've received. There are too many variables to take into account.

My assumption would be that dh would feel exactly the same as a father.

My further assumption would be that my feelings as a mother don't actually matter more than his feelings as a father.

Further that being looked after by a stepmother for half the week would be no worse than being looked after by a stepfather for the other half- assuming that dh and I both went on to marry other caring involved people.

Basically, because neither dh or I have ever lived in a family where the father did not fill a similar caring role to the mother, I find it difficult to imagine how that would look.

Just to answer the question in the op, for me, it depends on the age of the children

When mine were tiny it would have killed me inside to be separated from them even for one night, but as they have grown up, it has become easier

I would never have been happy for 50:50 care as babies, toddlers or young children, but as older children (say, 9+), yes, I would be fine with it, if they were with their loving father. Their dad was just as caring when they were tiny, but I would have felt an animal instinct to fight to care for them. No idea if this is normal or not, will now read the thread to see

TBH I would be happier with a 50/50 split as opposed to sole parenting without a break. I've realised that I'm a MUCH better mother to my DSs when I've had some time away from them. I would HATE having them 7 days a week without a break - and I know that because I did that a lot when DH travelled lots and worked incredibly long hours. Now he works shorter hours and is taking on a lot more school and nursery runs, I've started working so there are days when I just get a good night kiss in, or don't see them awake at all.

Yes I miss then, but sometimes it's good to miss them - I really enjoy seeing them when I've been apart from them for a bit.

Besides, the 50/50 isn't all in one chunk. You don't have them for 1 week and not for the next week. You would usually (I assume) have alternate weekends and mid week stretches.

So 2 nights mid week and 2 nights weekend one week
Then 3 nights mid week and 0 nights weekend next week

Or some such....

I think what's getting peoples' backs up a tiny bit is your expectation that a woman would answer this question in a way that a man wouldn't. No, I would not be happy to be away from my boy for 50% of the time. But neither would his father.

As a mother, whether I would hate it or not is irrelevant. The right thing is what is best for the kids. I know that my ex hates not seeing his kids every day as do I. Why is a mother more important than a father in this circumstance? Is this another of those weird MN moments where a mother trumps a father because she is the mother and they aren't both seen as equal parents?

Myself and my DP have my two little step sons 50/50. It kills him to only see his children half the time but he knows they need to spend time with their mum too, so he accepts it.

Their mum has never expressed a wish to have them more than 50/50, I don't think bad of her for it, she has different priorities in life than me and her career and social life are both very important to her so 50/50 works well for her.

However, she very much dislikes me, hates it that I am with the children 50/50 and that I am a SAHM and she works full time so really I spend more time with them than she does. She also hates me doing anything that could be considered "mummy" things with them. However, she has never explained how she expects DP to work full time and do all those things when she works full time and has paid childcarers do exactly the same things.

Last month she went batshit at me and DP due to me trying to have a chat with her about something to do with the children when I went with them to meet her. (I'm too interfering) Last week she went batshit at me and DP because she was in a raging mood, tried to talk to me about DSS's medications and I politely said it would be more appropriate if she had this conversation with my DP or emailed or text him (I don't care about her children). I can't win really and I think a lot of resident step parents feel this way. :(

Although these men who are just as involved as the mothers seem common online, in reality most men I know of are happy enough with less than 50:50. In fact most don't even take up on the contact offered, as it gets in the way of their work/social life etc.
So from this I assume that in fact the mother does usually have a stronger bond or at least sense of responsibility to her children.
My DH is one of the 'hands on' fathers, but even he has taken jobs that require working away, so in reality not having more than 50% of time living in the family home. While I don't doubt his feelings for his children, I do think men can more easily switch off from family mode for a few days at a time, as I know I wouldn't want a job that meant being away a lot, whereas he chose to do this for the right job. (Although he doesn't travel quite so much any more, at one point he was away almost constantly)

I think the vast majority of people don't enjoy shared care when their DC are away from them. However, as you often do as a parent you swallow your own feelings put on a brave face a do what is best for your DC.
The original post to me came across as judgy as to why would I put up with shared care if it upset me.

See this attitude that men don't mind as much - it's a crock of shit for a lot of men. My ex much though I can't stand him, plans his work around the fact that he has the kids one night a week and every other weekend. He does pick ups from school too.

Switching off from family mode and working away from home are not just female preserves. I work away from home, on occasion, as does my ex. We work all that between us. We don't get caught up in he had two days I had two days, it pays to be flexible.

But not for one minute would I suggest he misses them any less than I do.

depends how good my relationship was with the other party tbh.

I wouldn't spend time stressing about a hypothetical divorce and subsequent access and step parent issues - I think anyone would feel sick at the idea of being separated from their dc- I know I would and equally my fiance would too but until you are there it is a fruitless exercise.

My ex and I both agreed that dc should have one main base and that was better for them. I am glad he felt like that because quite frankly he was such a hands OFF father I am happy I don't have to go through the vicious court battle that would have ensued had he tried for 50/50.

I don't get any nights off, though he will usually do childcare when I have appointments or want to exercise.

My personal opinion is that children need one base whether that be with Mum OR Dad and 50/50 is more for the parents than the children. BUT both my children have ASD so routine and structure is very important.