Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

195 replies

exoticfruits · 19/03/2013 22:38

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 20/03/2013 16:30

I don't think I would be entirely happy but if it was best for my children, then I would do it.

I am starting uni in a city 150 miles away from where we live in September. This will mean me being away from my children in the week. Their dad is perfectly able to look after them. It will be a wrench, but I am thinking phone call in the morning, skype before bed time and good quality week ends will get us through. The fact that we are together and I will have all that access to speak to my children will help.

AllDirections · 20/03/2013 16:31

OP to answer your question I would be happy only having my DC 50% of the time.

Maybe I'm finding the whole parenting thing too hard..
Maybe I'm not cut out to be a parent (definitely not a single one!!)...
Maybe I'm just not a nice person...

I only start missing my DC when they've been away for 3 nights so with a normal 2 week days and every other weekend split I wouldn't get chance to miss them. And I think I would appreciate them much more during my 50% than what I do when it's 100%.

AllDirections · 20/03/2013 16:36

MammaTJ I don't really get that. You wouldn't be happy to be away from your DC 50% of the time if you and your DH spilt up but it's ok if you're together. Is it that because the choice would be taken away from you?

eslteacher · 20/03/2013 17:04

Disclosure: I am a SM, and not a mother.

Surely its difficult to say how you'd definitively feel until it you experienced the reality. You seem very sure that you'd 100% hate it but completely hide all that hate - would that even be possible?

Particularly re: a stepmother. Who's to say this hypothetical partner would actually be as determinedly hands-on as you are imagining?

I guess I'm just saying that it doesnt bode well for dealing with any future split to absolutely determine in advance that you'd hate shared custody and hate the presence of any SM in your DCs life.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2013 17:32

I haven't read back. You'll have to shoot me for that Wink

I am a mother and have been separated from my kids' father for nearly 6 years.

My ExH has the kids 3 nights a week. Friday night (so I can go out! )

Then he has them from Sunday teatime till he drops them off at school Tuesday morning. I have them the rest of the time.

So basically, we share care in terms of nights of the week although I have more evenings / meals / pick ups / other shizzle

Last year my ex moved in with his GF so I guess they have a SM (although they are not married and the kids have never referred to her as such, they just call her by her name and TBH I've never thought of her as their SM)

So, how do I feel about this? "as a mother" (because all mothers are the same and all think the same

I feel really, really relaxed about it. My kids have two happy, secure homes. And a routine that they know, love and rely on (in fact more of a routine than kids who live in a two parent home).

I use the time when they are away from me to socialise. To work (it allows me the chance to schedule in travel with my job). It allows their dad to spend quality time with his children (Remember that? Theyre his kids too!!)

AS for their SM, she is a lovely woman. I trust my ExH implicitly and I know he would NEVER chose woman who would not treat his kids like their own (hers are all grown up). I don't feeljealous or discombobulated. I am happy that my kids have another adult in their life (plus all of her family) to love and cherish them. It certainly doesn't mean I feel insecure or that they will love me less.

So OP I thinkYABVU to think all mothers are the same, and that a set up like this can never work. Because it patently does

Call us all sickeningly well-adjusted but it works brilliantly for us all. My ex

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2013 17:34

Also OP don't forget, not everybody has a 4yo. Some of us have older kids who require much less hands onday-to-day care and more parenting iykwim

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 20/03/2013 17:35

Can't say I'm "happy" about it no. It is nice to have time to myself and get down the gym but its bloody hard at times too. I cried my eyes out when ds said his first proper word while at his dads. It was a bitter pill to swallow but I don't have any choice

HollyBerryBush · 20/03/2013 17:37

I don't think it's got any thing to do with what the mother wants - it's what is best for the child

The sooner we get rid of this notion that mothers are better parents and should have principle residency the better.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 17:46

People still don't understand the question-it was nothing to do with it working, or being best for DCs etc etc-it was merely would you, in heart of hearts, whatever good face you put on it, be happy? Nothing more-nothing less.
I would do whatever was best for the DCs and keep my private feelings well and truly (and exclusively) to myself and I would never let DCs have any inkling-but I would be unhappy. It is lovely to know that everyone else would do it and just be happy that it was all for the best and make the most of the time to themselves.

OP posts:
Dadthelion · 20/03/2013 17:53

You know when there's a separation is anyone happy?

I suppose the minority are, but I bet most aren't to start with.

BegoniaBampot · 20/03/2013 17:56

exotic - you are on a hiding to nothing here. makes me wonder about the reading comprehension of folk.

eslteacher · 20/03/2013 17:57

But what's the point in the question? In deciding in advance how you'd feel about a future hypothetical scenario? Especially if you are then apparently not planning on acting on how you feel but hiding it anyway...

Schooldidi · 20/03/2013 17:57

I wouldn't be happy but then again neither would dp.

I'm not convinced it should just be a matter of what a mother wants, as the father quite often would want the same thing.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:02

It was so simple! Would you be happy?- yes or no-nothing to do with judgements, whether fathers are capable, whether it is best for the children etc. Just would you be happy.
I would be calm, smiling, always supportive, always say it was the best solution,tell the DCs I was fine,even tell my mother it was fine- but I would be crying myself to sleep at night. At 4am I can't pretend to myself that I am happy if I am not. (as a widow I did lots of it-no one knew-I can hide it in the day and with other people).

OP posts:
lilackaty · 20/03/2013 18:05

I haven't read the whole thread but I think YABU to speak for all women no matter what the topic is. There is no reason for anyone to do so.
And I very much agree that mumsnet does not represent a balanced cross section of society so the views of the majority on here do not translate to the views of people in real life.

cory · 20/03/2013 18:05

Were you planning on starting a separate thread asking if fathers would be happy? Because I'd bet a fair few of them aren't either.

UnbridledPositivity · 20/03/2013 18:06

I would absolutely hate it. My ex H made the decision to look up prostitutes. Why should I have to miss out on time with my DD because of that?

So far we have always spent her birthday together, but if our relationship deteriorates further, what then? Why, when I have been pregnant with her and given birth to her, do I have to miss out on seeing her on her birthday every other year?!

I'm dreading the day he gets a girlfriend. I have nightmares about him setting up a new family for DD which has nothing to do with me.

He calls me a control freak and he's probably right. I imagine DD's future a certain way, and I am still devastated that it will never even come close. All because of his stupid decisions.

It is the worst feeling I can imagine.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:09

Fathers can answer if they like-it just so happened I was speaking about mothers. I made the statement that most women would not be happy if they didn't have their children with them for half the week. I was told quite plainly that I couldn't speak for most women. I was told the same thing about 4 times so I said that I would ask. It was a poll-'yes' or 'no' and the answer appears to be that I was wrong- and I accept that I can not speak for most women. Only about 9 have answered that 'no they wouldn't'. Most have turned it into a debate-it was never supposed to be a debate.

OP posts:
eslteacher · 20/03/2013 18:12

Asking people already in this situation if they are happy or not - fair enough.

But why keep repeating and inciting others to say that they WOULD be miserable in this future possible scenario, and going on about putting a brave face on it, etc.

It seems like a weird kind of hypothetical pity party.

I imagine that like most scenarios, the truth of the situation won't emerge until you live it.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:14

Were you planning on starting a separate thread asking if fathers would be happy? Because I'd bet a fair few of them aren't either.

Good grief -I am not starting a thread again ever! I wish I hadn't started this!
I am a woman-I was speaking for women-I didn't make the statement most men, but I would assume that most men wouldn't like it either! Whether they would find it so difficult to say 'yes' or 'no' is another matter. (I shall now be in trouble for thinking I can talk about 'most men')

I am heartened by the fact that BegoniaBampot understood the question.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:16

It was a simple poll riverboat-having being told I couldn't speak for most women I thought I would find out-quite clearly I can't speak for most women-they wouldn't hate it.

OP posts:
ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 20/03/2013 18:16

Would I be happy to have 50/50 shared care with an ex? - Yes

usuallysickonaswing · 20/03/2013 18:18

I don't think an OP has ever got to me so much.

I do 50/50. It kills me. It hurts so much I can't actually feel it. Periodically the pain breaks me and I have a day in bed.

But I do it, because as a mother I know my kids' lives are not all about me.

I want my boys with me. I sometimes have to drive past them being driven in the opposite direction after school, and the pain is indescribable.

But they need their father, as well as their mother. And as a mother I am proud that whatever else me and STBXH failed at, we succeeded at bringing up sons that love us both equally.

It sucks. But as a mother, I suck it up.

cory · 20/03/2013 18:18

The truth is that the way people formulate a question is rarely neutral; it suggests something about their attitude.

If almost everybody on the thread reads the title of the OP in a similary way, then it is a fair bet that this is to do with the way it was phrased.

Imo it was very difficult to read your question without getting the impression that you were suggesting that mothers ought to be particularly unhappy about this and that their feelings ought to be particularly relevant in this context.

If you had said "as a parent" you would have got a different response.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 18:18

It seems like a weird kind of hypothetical pity party.

Not if you read the first thread.

I imagine that like most scenarios, the truth of the situation won't emerge until you live it

I don't have to live it to know that I would hate it.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread