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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

195 replies

exoticfruits · 19/03/2013 22:38

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 14:28

I'm not sure what your point was re play dates, changing rooms etc - can you elaborate?

Lots of mothers have very firm opinions-if they always insist on taking their 7yr old DS into the ladies changing room then how will they cope with a step mother who thinks they are quite old enough to manage and sends him off alone into the mens? If they never let the DC near the kettle and the toaster how will they deal with the parent who lets them make toast and hot chocolate? Bearing in mind they have no control.

OP posts:
lljkk · 20/03/2013 14:34

It depends how young the children, how jaded the parent.

I know DH would HATE being away from DC for half the week, it would make him miserable.

But I would love it :).

akaemmafrost · 20/03/2013 14:42

OP in a simple answer. No, I would not be happy with 50/50 Smile.

MyNameIsAnAnagram · 20/03/2013 14:57

No, I would hate it, but not as much as my DH would hate less contact than that. It would break his heart to only see dcs for say 2 days a week. I would hope in the event that we did split I would remember that.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 20/03/2013 14:59

I would miss them but would be glad they were having quality time with their Dad. That's it.

JackieTheFart · 20/03/2013 15:05

I'm a stepmother.

I have no idea how I would feel about 50/50 access as we are together. I hope never to have to think about it.

You seem to think that only the stepmother is going to have differing parenting skills and expectations than you. You do realise that your ex partner will probably as well? I don't know one couple that completely agree on absolutely everything re the child.

It makes me sad that DHs ex probably automatically hated me on principle (for the record, we get on fairly well, DH and I got together nearly 4 years after they split and she was in a relationship) as I would be looking after her child. No, I didn't have children of my own, I suppose she had to assume I was a sensible person who had a inkling of how to deal with kids. Luckily I did and DSS and I have enjoyed a pretty good relationship since the start/

AngelinaCongleton · 20/03/2013 15:06

I would hate it. However I see how crap it is from the fathers point of view too as my brother has one dinner time from 5-7pm and I overnight at the weekend and apparently he "is lucky" to get that. Feel really sorry for good dads who just want to spend reasonable time with their children.

Greythorne · 20/03/2013 15:11

My DH currently sees the children:

-- for about 15 mins in the morning Mon - Fri
-- not at all in the evening Mon - Fri
-- from 11-7 at weekends

(If we ever split up) why on earth would we consider 50/50 under these conditions?

BornToFolk · 20/03/2013 15:12

Well, that's the reality of life when you are separated from your DC's parent - you don't have control over what happens when they spend time with the other parent. You have to hand them over and let them get on with it. That doesn't mean you have to like it.

I don't trust my exP in lots of ways and I really dislike OW but I do think that they will look after DS and if I have suspicions that they aren't (DS has mentionned a couple of things that I've been a bit Hmm about) I talk to exP about the issues. Minor issues I have to let go as DS is as much exP's son as he is mine and he doesn't have to do everything the same way as I do.

JackieTheFart · 20/03/2013 15:14

Also I work full time while DH is a SAHD. This is not by choice.

Would I even be able to make it work? I don't know.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:17

You seem to think that only the stepmother is going to have differing parenting skills and expectations than you. You do realise that your ex partner will probably as well? I don't know one couple that completely agree on absolutely everything re the child

Exactly-and yet very few will admit to being unhappy about it.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 20/03/2013 15:27

exotic you clearly will only accept one answer and dont believe anyone who tells you any different so what is the point of taking the poll?

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:35

I already told you that I accept that I was wrong Booyhoo. I think I said that 9 were unhappy-the test are either perfectly happy about it or won't answer the question. I can't do more than say I was wrong and can't speak for most women-clearly I they are not like me.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:35

the rest-not test!

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:36

Other than that I was answering specific questions put to me-like Jackie.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 20/03/2013 15:40

so then why are you saying that very few will admit to being unhappy. do you not believe the people who have said they are/would be happy with it?

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:41

Sorry-then-slip of the fingers -very few have said that they are unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:43

I think I said that 9 were unhappy-the rest are either perfectly happy about it or won't answer the question

It wasn't a slip of the fingers I said the above.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:44

Whoops-further back I see I said admit.

OP posts:
Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:46

And that was to Jackie who pointed out that most parents have differing skills and expectations.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 20/03/2013 15:53

differing skills and expectations doesn't mean you are unhappy with your child being there though. i can see how my dcs benefit from being around their father and the different approaches he has to doing things that i i would do a certain way. i am happy that they get exposed to more than just one way of doing things and one way of parenting, it will hopefully better equip them for being parents themselves if they have a wider range of experience to draw from.

Original poster
exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 15:59

Good for you! I don't know what more I can say -other than I was wrong-it appears from my short, imperfect poll that I can't speak for most women.
Personally I would hate it-however perfectly I hid it-we are all different.

OP posts:
MrsExcited · 20/03/2013 16:07

I can not say what the Mother of my DSDs truly feels but we have a comfortable relationship(I am the other woman)

We have DSDs to stay every other weekend (fri-sun or Fri - Mon depending on their Mums choice) We also have them every Tuesday after school and DH drops them to school on Weds morning.

They come and stay in the holidays sometimes as i am a teacher (and convenient childcare) and we take them on holiday (10 days the longest so far)

They definitely Live with their Mum, but have their own bedroom toys and clothes here too, and consider it their 2nd home.

As i say not 100% what their mum feels but i think it is more about communication between Mum and Dad once they have separated rather than where the children are.

ChasingSquirrels · 20/03/2013 16:15

My feelings as me (personally, rather than what I wanted for my children);

  • at first I hated it. I honestly wished ex-H had died rather than have done what he did, and then I wouldn't have had to deal with everything that him leaving involved, including the children not being with me when they were with him.
  • now (nearly 5 years on), I relish the nights that they are with him as part of our normal routine and the opportunity that gives me to have some time to myself etc. I struggle slightly with the longer periods (holidays) when I don't see them for over a week, but also try to use this time for myself.
ChocolateCoins · 20/03/2013 16:22

I personally wouldn't like to do 50/50 if me and DP split up but if that's what he wanted then I would.