to think that as a mother you would not like your children in another house for half the week?

[exoticfruits]

I know that 50/50 custody can be a good thing but could you, hand on heart, say that you would be perfectly happy for your young children to be living with their father, step mother and step siblings for half the week?
I would hate it, but apparently I can't speak for women in general - and lots exist that would be quite happy with this. Having been told this 3or 4times on another thread, I thought I would ask and find out who is right.
My assumption is that the mother would like to be prime carer with the father having access.

I think a lot depends on the set up when the parents were together.

When I was married I was the prime carer. Not only because I was a SAHM but in everything ie everything fell to me. Ex-h was quite happy not to have any responsibility for any decisions regarding our children even though I would ask him for help to make them. Any problems with school etc I had to sort them out etc. Even telling them off was left to me as he very rarely did.

So things have pretty much carried on like this since we've been divorced. He sees them every other day but is still the same regarding decisions. He doesn't even have them overnight when the next day is a school day because he won't/can't get them into bed at a reasonable time so they're not tired the next day. I'm not talking about a bit later more like 11pm and later. For a 6 years old!

Out current arrangement works well for the children because they have the stability that me being the main carer gives them but get to see their dad regularly. It works for me because I am only without them for a short time and their dad get to see them but still can carry on with his social life.

However I think if both parents care for their children equally then I can't think of a reason to say one parent takes precedence over the other.

Our not out!

there is no 'right'

you can express your personal feelings about it without insisting that your feelings must be how all other mothers feel.

also, do you think that fathers want their dcs living in another house half the week? i dont want my dc living in another house at all. i would rather they were able to live full time with me. however i would imagine that most parents (not just mothers) feel the same. wanting your dcs close to you isn't just a feeling women experience. children have 2 parents.

I would struggle with 50/50 but I do quite enjoy 75/25.

But some people are happy with only seeing their children 1 evening a week, so why wouldn't there be happy mediums.

I thought that this had sunk without trace.

It wasn't about what people should do- in theory I agree that one parent shouldn't take precedence over another- BUT in practice I wouldn't like it, even if I did it for the good of the DCs.

It is really about gut feeling.

Every situation is different. I could deal with my the DC living with my DH for half the week. At one time I worked away and that was the case. I would not be happy with a 'stepmother', one of the reasons I would never divorce my DH.

I would absolutely hate it, but so would DH we are both hands on parents, we have always done bath and bedtime together as well as the playing and feeding etc. I couldn't take that away from DH he would hate it as much as me, also the children deserve an equal relationship with their father who they adore.

So no matter what DH did or I did to lead to us seperating I could never leave him being a man who visits. He is and always willbe their father and an equal parent.

I am very thankful that this is hypothetical.

No, i couldn't be without my girls. I had to go away for a week 2 years ago (my mam was dying) and it was the 1st time i'd left them (with dp) and i couldnt wait to get home but then once i was home wished i was away again lol If dp and i were to slit i reckon he would move back to his family 150 miles away so hopefully would not have to do that (i could manage a week here and there i think)

There are many men who want shared care of their children but dont get it as the mother sees the child as hers alone or as a weapon to be used against the ex.

So why is it any different?

I'd be happy with the set up if it was an option, on the proviso that my DD would also be happy with it. I don't have any qualms about DD spending 50% of her time with her dad at his home. It's not something that's likely to happen but if he suddenly decided he wanted 50% of DD's time, and was willing to ensure she got to school, had clean uniform, was well fed etc. then I'd be more than happy. It would give me the chance to work more hours than I currently do, without having to fork out the extortionate childcare costs I do presently to cover the many school holidays.

So, no, as a mother, I don't have a problem with DD having to spend 50% of her time with her dad/his fiance/any future kids they may have. Only if DD wasn't happy with that set up would I think differently.

I have to say that the men that I know would like their DCs full time if divorced.

I know that it isn't ideal, and I know that people (hopefully) would want what was best for the children.
But I believe that I can speak for most women to say they wouldn't like it-even if they managed to hide their feelings-in their heart of hearts they wouldn't like it.

I know a few people who have 50-50 care and it works for them. One woman I know has a part time job on the days her ex has the kid, then devotes herself completely to childcare on the other days. Her situation looks pretty enviable to me.

I don't know. Three of mine spend all weekend with their father and step mother. I know that isn't half of the week but with the weekends and the fact that he takes them away for a few days at a time often means they spend a big chunk of time with their dad and SM.

I have been told by a few people that they would hate their child to spend every weekend elsewhere but he is their father and he wants to see them just as much as I do.

Your OP comes across as very judgmental to me, like there is something wrong with a mother who is happy with 50/50 access and there is nothing wrong with that if it works for them.

Ideally we would all be living under the same roof, but we can't so we make the best of it. We are very flexible though, if I want to do something special at the weekend he is more than happy for me to keep them here and I am always happy to let him take them for longer when he wants to do something with them too. He knows he can call anytime and unless we have other plans he is always welcome to come and see them. My children love the set up we have.

WRT a stepmother. my dcs have a stepmother and i have no issue with this. in fact it probably makes it easier to know she is there as she seems to do most of the chidlcare stuff when the dcs are there. EXP wouldn't make buns with them or take them to the hairdressers or make sure they had all their uniforms washed. his partner does and so i know that they are going into school in clean clothes with their hair brushed and on time.

I would not be at all happy with my children staying away from me for half the week, I would hate that.

I don't think anyone wants to live apart from their children but this applies to fathers as well as mothers. I know that DP who was a really involved father found it very hard to live separately from his dcs when he separated from his ex-wife.

In my case, my ex-h was relatively uninvolved with the day to day care of our dcs - it was one of the reasons we split up - so there's no way he wanted or would have coped with a 50/50 residential arrangement. For all that, he still missed the dcs as I did when they spent weekends and holidays with him. When we first split up I'd have happily never set eyes on him again but we had children so that luxury wasn't available.

You don't go into partnerships/marriage with the expectation that you'll split up but when it happens and there are dcs you have to cope. Your dcs have two parents and once they live apart you have to accept that they'll spend time with the other parent. Like it or not. But you do what is best for the dcs and provided their other parent is not dangerous or abusive you have to encourage the relationship to continue.

I would not be happy with a 'stepmother', one of the reasons I would never divorce my DH

This is why I specifically put step mother in OP and not just the father and the children. It would be a question of another woman bathing and putting to bed your 4 yr old. I have spent a lot of time reading step parenting threads and people don't have an issue with the parent (in most cases) but they do have huge issues with the new partner-either they think her cold and unfeeling, that she favours her own children or that she is too loving and taking over too much.

I could cope with a single ex partner -I'm not at all sure I could cope with an ex partner, his new DP, his step children and any subsequent children they had together and no control over their parenting methods.

i might not like it, but kids have as much right to see their dad as they do their mum. my partner has three children and he only gets to see them on her terms and it's all a big mess. ideally, he would see them more and i think it's so unfair that she gets them all the time, whereas he sees them two sundays a month. they were never married so there's no formal arrangement in place.

I split from ds's father last summer. He has him twice a week over ight and then on a Sunday.
I think this arrangement suits ds, but also suits me.

I have always been the main carer, like a pp my ex did very very little for ds, very few feeds, bath times, doc visits etc and tbh te contact he has is probably generous if based on that.

When we split(and even now) ex feels entitled. I understand that he is the father of ds but emotionally, financially and practically has done very little for ds.

It breaks my heart to be away from ds for the times I'm away from him now and ill admit if it was more I would struggle with it.

On Monday ex gave ds a bath for the first time since we split almost 8 months ago. But he always makes noises about going for 50/50.

He hasn't so far and due to the amount of times he has cancelled I doubt at this point he would get it. The bath is a monumental step forward for him in his care for ds so maybe he is gearing towards stepping up and attempting to get more access.

I only know that at the moment ds is ok with the set up and I don't think changing that would help but having said that if ex had been a hands on, responsible dad it may be different, and 50/50 may be more likely.

It's very very hard being away from ds but its a hundred per cent better than raising him in a household with an abusive man.

If the X was an equal parent in the first place then it's really not about what the mother or father wants though, is it? It's about what's best for the children. Yes, I would hate it if my DS was away half the week, but if that's what's right for him, then I'd have to suck it up. He's not 'mine' or DH's, really, he's his own person and he has the right to see either of us as much as he wants.

I think tbh I'd rather he was away 50/50 than I had him all week and DH had him every weekend (like Samu) I think I'd be a bit miffed that I was getting the grind of school runs and homework and tired evenings.

That said, I'm not sure 50/50 really does work for DC's unless both parents are wholly committed to co-parenting. That means things like both of them living close to school etc, so DCs can still see their friends and do their activities. It takes a lot to do it that way.

I would hate it. I imagine that's how the vast majority of men feel too .

Personally (and I can only speak for myself) I would hate it. I hate DS spending every other weekend with his dad, OW and her kids.

But it does not matter at all what I think about it, it's important for DS to have a relationship with his dad so I suck it up and get on with it. At the moment, I don't think it would be in DS's best interests to have 50% of his time at his dad's house (not least because his dad doesn't want it) so it's not going to happen but if at some point in the future it was what was best for him, then I'd go along with it, regardless of my own feelings.

I think it totally depends on the relationship between the parents, and the step-parents if there are any. I'm sure 50/50 care works really well for some people and not for others.

I would hate it with a passion, of course I would. But no more than my dh would hate having his child with me away from him for half the week.
I would also hate to do the school week drudge and have dh be a disney dad at weekends.
All solutions after divorce are a compromise.

There was a time last year when we tried 50/50 with my exh and my eldest ds. It was a bit weird. I missed him a lot and although he was fine with it, and it was ok, i did notice he was more unsettled, although not hugely.
If it wasnt for the fact he was unsettled, and itwas a bit of a nightmare organising things, i would have got over missing him, as im sure his dad misses him when hes with me, but logistically, it was a pita