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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit upset that my friend has not invited me to her wedding?

276 replies

stormforce10 · 24/02/2013 22:52

We've known each other since we were 11 and stayed good friends. I met her fiancee on a train which got delayed, we talked for hours, stayed in touch and a few years ago I introduced them and 10 months ago they got engaged.

This evening I spoke to her and she told me that she's decided not to invite me to their wedding in April as she only wants a small one. Fair enough but given she's invited all her work colleagues and quite a lot of our other friends and their families AIBU to feel somewhat upset and wonder if there is another reason she's decided to leave me out

OP posts:
pictish · 24/02/2013 22:54

Yanbu...that's very hurtful.

aldiwhore · 24/02/2013 22:57

YANBU to feel upset and confused. I was going to say that she can invite who see wants, but this does seem very odd, especially if she actually said "I've decided not to invite you" that is quite strange. I guess whether she is BU depends on how she told you and how you found out who the other invitees are...

I would be tempted to say "Look I am hurt not to be invited but I respect your choice completely, I just hope it's nothing I've done" that may give her a chance to explain better?? That could help if the wedding is still a long way off... if it's imminent, say nothing.

I suspect though that if you say nothing the friendship will suffer even more.

Original poster
stormforce10 · 24/02/2013 23:02

I already knew quite a lot of people who'd been invited because some of them had phoned me wanting to make plans for it. They assumed I'd be invited I assumed I'd be invited. She says she told me because one of our other friends had said it was odd I hadn't been invited and assumed the invite had been lost in the post.

The more I think about it teh more upset I feel. I'm going to have to ask her what it is I've done because I've no idea

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 24/02/2013 23:07

Maybe she is weird about the fact you met her fiancé first?! Not saying its right or anything and she sounds really nasty not inviting you but is there some jealousy from her! Are you married or were you interested in her guy when you met him?! He you?!

She sounds like she is not worth it.

Xmasbaby11 · 24/02/2013 23:07

That's so sad. I think you will have to confront her, because there must be a reason.

mummymeister · 24/02/2013 23:08

there isnt a person in the world who wouldnt feel hurt by this OP. its her wedding and her choice who she invites but it sounds like you are one of her oldest friends and to not include you is really very sad. are you sure she has invited all these other people? i would have a frank conversation with her. tell her that you thought your friendship was more than just casual and that now you feel excluded. you can hardly discuss her plans for the day with her when you are not included and this is likely to be her only topic of conversation when the wedding is really near. Respect her choice but realise that if you arent invited and remain unhappy about it that your friendship will have changed. perhaps she doesnt fully appreciate this or perhaps this was her "moving on" better to know where you stand but try and do it calmly and keep emotion out of it as much as you can. the same thing happened to me - whirlwind romance by a friend i used to spend every other weekend with going out etc. the first i knew of it was when i met her partner over dinner and he told me that they were getting married quickly probably within the next month. i handled the discussion with her badly and she ended up screaming that i was her old life - single, lonely etc - and he was her new and she wanted to keep the two apart. Mission accomplished because we only spoke twice after that. sad but ultimately she got what she wanted from it. good luck Op.

GW297 · 25/02/2013 01:48

YANBU.

Zaphiro · 25/02/2013 02:15

Yanbu.

NandH · 25/02/2013 02:20

what??!!!

how mean, and how very odd :-/
really hope you get to the bottom of it! in the meantime try not to worry to much but make sure you tell all other friends that would have expected you to be going that your not being invited!

Bogeyface · 25/02/2013 02:24

I am thinking some weird jealousy thing too. You are a very old friend who introduced her to her fiance, seems very strange that you arent invited.

Do you and him keep in touch as you used to, or has that tailed off too? I agree with the PP that this is about the fact that you and he are/were friends.

I rather suspect that whatever you do or say to her now, you will not see much of her from now on and nothing at all of him. :(

raisah · 25/02/2013 02:40

I would send them a gift & a card saying good luck & you understand need to keep guest list small etc. It could be that her partner doesnt know that you haven't been invited, just that you have declined. There is something else going on & something similar happened to me & I was invited to attend as someone elses' plus one. I maintained my dignity & refused & to this day dont know why I was treated like that. I chose to let the friendship drift which is a shame as she lost more than me, her marriage & lots of friends.

RedHotRudieParts · 25/02/2013 06:31

Her fiance had a thing for you at first mefinks and the has issues with that. She doesn't want to be second prize on her big day.

I'll stick a broom up me arse and cartwheel naked down the M6 if i'm wrong which i'm not. Wink

StroppyPoppy · 25/02/2013 07:59

Redhot that was my first thought too.

He may not have admitted it to you but could have confided in her.

It is hurtful but she must have her reasons, unless there's more to the back story.

SavoyCabbage · 25/02/2013 08:02

I think that too.

Yanbu to feel hurt.

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/02/2013 08:03

Redhot - GrinGrinGrin

Dump the bitch.

pigletmania · 25/02/2013 08:04

Yanbu that is very hurtful, I would back off from the friendship if she sees you like that. Yes mabey her do had a thing for you and it's jealousy

pigletmania · 25/02/2013 08:04

Meant fiance

KissingKittyKat · 25/02/2013 08:11

Yanbu I would feel hurt too.

I would confront her. Say the wedding is clearly not that "small" if she's inviting colleagues and ask to know the real reason. Tell her you're not a fool so not to treat you like one.

As others have suggested, could it be that her fella originally had a crush on you, or you on him? That could explain things.

Either way, unless she takes some drastic action I think you need to accept she's not a good friend and move away from her and focus on better friends from now on.

ErikNorseman · 25/02/2013 08:15

YANBU, that's unbelievably strange.

justmyview · 25/02/2013 08:16

Poor you, I'd feel left out too. However, I don't think that confronting her would be helpful. She's made her decision and surely you don't want to be begging for an invitation? She's not likely to back down and invite you.

I think you should say as little as possible. If anyone asks, you could say you were a bit surprised not to be asked, but you appreciate that numbers are limited. Be gracious and dignified and rise above it.

I'd suggest you treat yourself to go away and do something else that weekend with other friends, to distract you.

Then drift away. Sadly, the friendship is clearly less important to her now. Unfair, unjustified etc, I get all that (I really do, have been in your shoes), but I think "You didn't invite me, what have I done wrong?" is passive aggressive. It takes 2 to save a friendship & you can't do it on your own.

On this site, I often see people recommending you clear the air by asking "Why .......? What have I done?" I have rarely (or never?) seen people saying that they had that discussion and it resulted in a good outcome

pigletmania · 25/02/2013 08:22

I agree justmyview I would not be able to confront and beg for an invite. Mabey if you feel she is such a good friend I would talk to her about your feelings in a discreet and non confrontational manner. Then just drift away, she obviously does nt hold you in these regard as you do her

VoiceofUnreason · 25/02/2013 08:23

I think that's awful. How could you not invite the person that brought the two of you together who is an long-term friend over work colleagues?

There is obviously a reason for this, it's too unusual. But I wouldn't bother asking. Not inviting you to her wedding is a BIG thing which means there is a BIG thing behind it and you'd know what it was if you'd actually done anything that sufficient to find yourself excluded.

I agree - take yourself away for that weekend. If people ask, you tell them you weren't invited and have no reason why. And have absolutely nothing to do with that ex friend again.

echt · 25/02/2013 08:35

I clicked on this thinking, her wedding, her rules.

You are so NBU. I'd be very hurt, too. Sad

What to do? The fact that she fronted you and said you weren't invited is pretty plain. Send her a card: best wishes, etc. Take yourself away for the weekend. Take care of yourself, as I don't think you'll be hearing from her any time soon.

ivanapoo · 25/02/2013 08:47

YANBU, how mean.

Could you ask the fiancé? Are you still on good terms with him? if she is jealous of you as redhot says this will also wind her up, muahahaa

Whocansay · 25/02/2013 08:49

YANBU to be upset, but there's nothing you can do. Chances are you won't ever get the truth of the matter. I would stop returning her calls. She is no longer your friend and further contact will only hurt you.

She's not a nice person to snub you so publically. So, no great loss.

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