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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit upset that my friend has not invited me to her wedding?

276 replies

stormforce10 · 24/02/2013 22:52

We've known each other since we were 11 and stayed good friends. I met her fiancee on a train which got delayed, we talked for hours, stayed in touch and a few years ago I introduced them and 10 months ago they got engaged.

This evening I spoke to her and she told me that she's decided not to invite me to their wedding in April as she only wants a small one. Fair enough but given she's invited all her work colleagues and quite a lot of our other friends and their families AIBU to feel somewhat upset and wonder if there is another reason she's decided to leave me out

OP posts:
ssaw2012 · 26/02/2013 00:24

Storm, perhaps you are more beautiful than her and all the other invited girls. I have read somewhere that some brides are scared to be in the limelight of their beautiful friend.

ssaw2012 · 26/02/2013 00:33

You deserve to be her bridesmaid but she did not invite you at all. She sounds so insecure.
Hey, I have just found a funny post about ugly bridesmaids:
boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bride-wants-bridesmaids-to-be-ugly

Snazzynewyear · 26/02/2013 00:43

There is almost certainly jealousy at the root of this. It may or may not be that the fiance really did have a thing for the OP, but the bride thinks he does and/or is jealous of OP's place in his life. I have had a similar thing happen where a very old friend's fiancee cut a load of us long-standing friends, who knew him and his ex from way back, out - IMO because we represented a threat from that past life.

Sadly, I would bet that the fiance has either been brought on board with this, or has been given an ultimatum that 'OP must not be invited or the wedding's off' and has decided to go along with it for a quiet life. It is very, very hurtful but the only thing to do is move on. I would very much want to say something (did in my own situation) but be prepared to be blanked as I was.

Wishfulmakeupping · 26/02/2013 05:28

Op how long since the bride mentioned about your dd being bridesmaid?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 26/02/2013 05:51

Weird

iMyself · 26/02/2013 06:36

Certainly hurtful. Similar happened to me. Though it was a male friend, I was invited for sure as he spoke to me about me getting there (no longer live in the UK).

It got to near the date i knew the wedding was going to be around, and I hadn't got an invite so i emailed a mutal friend asking exactly when it was. His answer was "on xxxx. just three weeks. pity you couldn't make it"

Groom had told everyone i had been invited but declined! Saw the pictures a while after, everyone else was there, made me quite sad.

fluffyraggies · 26/02/2013 07:36

OK, thanks OP for shedding light on that. Sorry mixed up DP and DH :)

I was going to ask how long it is since the friend mentioned your DD being bridesmaid too. That part of this whole thing seems the most hard to fathom really. If this is a long standing insecurity about you and the fiance why on earth would she do that??

Can it really be about money? Keeping the cost of the wedding down? I think in your place i would feel the friendship was damaged by this - so it cant make matters much worse just to ask her outright :(

JakeBullet · 26/02/2013 07:42

This would be a deal breaker for me.....Id still talk to her but would back right off and not make the contact. I'd also have no problem in saying I was hurt by this.

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 07:51

I myself that is very nasty, hope he an ex friend now

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 07:54

No op keep well away from her she is no friend. As you said in you op you were close friends tat you known since you were 11, not just acquaintances or fair weather friends

Icelollycraving · 26/02/2013 07:57

I think there is clearly some back story. My suggestions for it are:
He fancies you,she thinks he fancies you etc etc
He told her he'd like to have sex on a train,she now wonders how you spent all those hours.
You said something about the wedding that you simply didn't mean but she has taken spectacularly personally. Were you not super keen on the dress for dd? Were you not interested in every wedding detail?
I personally would send him an email & say you might turn up to wish him all the best at the stag night as you've obvs upset his fiancée. Mwahaha.

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 08:02

It sounds an Obvious snub

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 08:04

It does sound lie jealousy, mabey he drops you in conversation and tells her tat you are hot, even if he is joking that might be enough to make her jealous

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 26/02/2013 08:11

Are you really not going to ask her at all?
Can't take the suspense...

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 09:10

So op what are you going to do

greenfolder · 26/02/2013 09:11

yanbu at all.

i am always a bit meh about wedding invites. i had a close friend who could only invite 20 people. it did not bother me in the slightest that i wasnt invited.

i have had friends/work colleagues who have or havent invited me. i have never been bothered in the slightest which way that goes- its like kids parties- you are unlikely to get invited to all.

however, i did have friend who i was pretty close to. we were sat on her bed doing her wedding plan. venues, menus the lot. The reception was for 120. she then told me that i was not invited "due to numbers". i said, if i am not in your top 120 people, what am i doing sat here, on your bed?" I literally never contacted her again, which might seem childish (i was a lot younger) but i think it was a very clear indication of where we both stood.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/02/2013 09:21

He told her he'd like to have sex on a train,she now wonders how you spent all those hours

Genius, Icelollycraving!

Could this be the reason? Or, or, they were reminiscing about 'strangest place I ever had sex', and he recounted a story about a quickie on a train, and afterwards she wondered could it have been you and her fiance?

FruOla · 26/02/2013 09:28

Unfortunately it can't only be about cost though fluffyraggies. The OP said that she had originally accepted the BTB's explanation that it was about keeping it small - until she discovered that other friends in their social circle were still invited .... and the BTB has invited a number of colleagues. And presumably the BTB didn't regard the OP as a 'random' guest, given that she wanted the OP's DD to be a bridesmaid as they've obviously had conversations about dresses within the last 10 months.

greenfolder, that's a Shock story

WhyMeWhyNot · 26/02/2013 09:37

Instead of presuming its because of a your previous friendship with the fiancé is there any chance it could be the other way round. She hasn't made a drunken pass at your DH in the past has she that she feels she's embarrassed and doesn't want him there. Nothing to actually do with you.....

poozlepants · 26/02/2013 09:43

Happened to me. One of my best friends of 25 years just didn't invite me to the wedding despite getting a save the date email. Other friends couldn't believe it so mentioned it to her in case the invite had been lost in the post. Nothing happened. Eventually 3 days before the wedding she emailed me on some false pretext and asked me ( probably because so many people had thought it odd). Surprisingly I couldn't go. I sent a present (cheques only of course). I haven't spoken to her since.
She was pissed off that after 8 years of trying I had had a baby. She was marrying a man who categorically didn't want kids and she herself had decided against but she was still jealous. 25 years of friendship down the tubes but I have never looked back. Upsetting as it was at the time it was like a burden lifted from my shoulders. Just move on she is not worth it.

Unfortunatlyanxious · 26/02/2013 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
stormforce10 · 26/02/2013 09:59

I've just come off a very nasty telephone conversation.

I dont want to go into detail but it appears she thinks I had sex with her fiancee the night after they got engaged. I most certainly did NOT a) he's not my type b) I wasn't even in the same country that night I was in Paris with DP and DD c) I love my dp and my family. She now accepts it was her misunderstanding and says someone else told her about it and she believed them over him and didn't even ask me. She started saying I coluld come to the wedding if I wanted but to be honest I'm so distressed I told her that she should seriously consider whether she can marry someone she obviously does not trust and put the phone down.

Absolutely shocked and hurt and :(

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/02/2013 10:03

Shock Really?! that's what's behind all this? stormforce10 that is shocking. She thought so little of the pair of you she believed this other person? I don't blame you for feeling sick.

Fillyjonk75 · 26/02/2013 10:06

Gosh that explains a lot. Good on you, stormforce, hopefully she will come to her senses, one way or another.

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 10:06

Oh my goodness storm tats Shock. No I would not go to the wedding either, that's that friendship ruined. Tey certainly have issues and she should not be marrying him if she can't trust him.

Greenfolder Shock you were quite right saying that to her, she needed to be told