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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be shaking and so upset about this

178 replies

pictogram · 11/01/2013 19:29

When my first dc was a tiny baby i met a group of mothere through an activity we did (baby sensory)

We would meet every week. Even when people went back to work after maternity leave we tried to meet up for occasional nights out etc.

Anyway, our dc all started school in september and i checked facebook recently to findout that one of these friends, who i though of as a good friendhas defriendedme :(

I had seen her probably 5 times in thelast year and thought we were all really close. When i messaged her to ask what was going on she said that it was nothing personal but that she felt we had all grow apart a bit and sne wanted to move on.

Aibu to be absolutely devastated by her splitting up our group in this way? Our dc have been friends since they were babies! I am sorry but i am just so shocked and devastated ladies :(

OP posts:
BeaWheesht · 11/01/2013 19:32

Yes sorry yabu.

A bit miffed - fair enough.

Devastated and shaking - definitely unreasonable

Messaging her to ask what's going on - bit odd

Sorry

HannahsSister40 · 11/01/2013 19:32

someone I know socially did the same to me. She announced her cull before she did it. I think it's a weird power trip.
Don't give her the attention.
Back off and get on with your life.
She's either a drama llama or not as close as you thought.

DawnOfTheDee · 11/01/2013 19:33

You've seen her 5 times in the last year yet thought you were 'really close'? I'm sorry but seeing someone 5 times in a group situation, to me, does not qualify as close.

YABU to be 'absolutely devastated' - you are being very over dramatic about this.

Your friend explained her reasoning and from what you say this doesn't sound like it is personal towards you...she wants to move on from the group in general and has every right to do so.

lovelyladuree · 11/01/2013 19:35

Part of being an adult is accepting that, sometimes, other adults don't like you.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 19:36

People do that on FB all the time, i just ignore it, its a strange thing, like "i control my friends list and i change it if i want".

SauvignonBlanche · 11/01/2013 19:36

YABU to be so upset about FB 'friendship'.

FestiveFiggy · 11/01/2013 19:37

Its certainly a bit strange in that most people just keep people as friends they went to school with, worked with and never have any intention of seeing again so defriending someone u probably will see even in passing seems odd but AUBU to be shaking and devastated etc over it? Yes!!

At least she responded to u and was honest more than a lot of people would do!!

floweryblue · 11/01/2013 19:38

People's lives move on. It can be upsetting.

YABU to be so upset about FB though, it's only a bit of silly messing, like MN. It's not like she has barred/ignored your phone calls, or told you she's not your RL friend any more.

2cats2many · 11/01/2013 19:38

I think people are being harsh to say YABU.

In my view, YANBU and I would be upset and taking it personally if someone decided they didn't want to be my friend too- even if it was only on Facebook.

After all, she could have replied to your message by saying 'Dont worry. I'm just clearing out my Facebook. It doesn't mean anything.'

Instead, she's replied by saying that it is a real life de-friend and it does mean something. Very upsetting.

Original poster
pictogram · 11/01/2013 19:39

Its not a facebookfriendship though!! We are reallife friends who see each other. Granted, we used to spend a lot of time together and havent really done so for the last year nearly as much. But i stiol thought we were close!!!

Our dc are best friends since babies! That means something!

OP posts:
TheLightPassenger · 11/01/2013 19:39

you poor thing, it's horrible to be ditched by someone you had previously thought of as a reasonably good friend. YABU a bit to feel so physically shaken by it, but I am v sensitive to this sort of thing as well, so cannot preach! try not to get hung up by the splitting the group up thing, the friendships you make through baby groups can be a bit fake IME.

5madthings · 11/01/2013 19:40

In the nicest possible way if you are so upset you are shaking and 'devestated' about the group being split up you really need to get a grip!

rainrainandmorerain · 11/01/2013 19:40

Well - it's possible that she has all sorts going on in her life you don't know about. It doesn't have to be about you!

Not to be harsh, just that she hasn't given you much detail, but she might have good reasons for not doing so.

She might be depressed - have a huge amount on her plate and feel that the 'group' is more of a burden than a support - you just don't know.

I say this partly because I've recently realised that someone I was pretty close to when ds was a very small baby, and who was/is lovely company is steering clear of some meet ups as most of us have gone on to get pregnant/have 2nd babies, even 3rds - and they are having fertility problems. She doesn't often want to be around all the pregnant ladies/newborns, it's too painful.

If you hAve behaved well and can't think of anything you or anyone else has done, then leave it. You don't know everything that's going on in her life, and she doesn't really owe you an explanation if it is very personal.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 11/01/2013 19:40

I feel a little bit mean but YABU.

Your reaction is completely out of proportion to events. I had a similar group from antenatal and I thought of them a aquaintances. We met monthly but had all gone our seperate ways by the time school started. It is just the way of things.

Original poster
pictogram · 11/01/2013 19:46

Ok ladies, thanks for your thoughts. I guess i am just so shocked that someone i though i was an amazing friend with didnt feel the same.

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 11/01/2013 19:52

Yours DCs have not been best friends since babies, they are friends because you are.

I still see 8 people from our 1st time mums group, some of us are closer than others, a few avoid meeting up in a smaller group than the 8 of us due to some personality clashes (either with the mums or the DCs) but no one has defriended anyone and I think any of us would be a bit miffed if someone did although if she did it to the whole group I wouldn't take it personally.

Original poster
pictogram · 11/01/2013 20:04

The dc are definitely friends, mrsmelons. Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again :(

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 11/01/2013 20:06

I think you need to calm down a bit.

Your DC aren't 'best friends' babies don't have friends and now they are at the age they are making friends they have seen each other for what? 10 hours in the last year.

She has defriended you on FB, thats all, she replied to your message, she hasn't refused to go out in a group with you anymore, so she isn't splitting up the group either.

5madthings · 11/01/2013 20:06

Your child is five? You saw them five times last year? Just don't mention this 'friend' and if your child brings them up distract or make up an excuse they will soon forget about them.

Seriously at this age friendships are very fluid, I take it they don't go to the same school?

blonderthanred · 11/01/2013 20:09

Did she defriend the whole group? I wonder if something happened between her and another member of the group and she decided it was easier to separate from you all. That's what her msg says to me.

Otherwise she is definitely drama llama or else one of those people who only keeps a handful of v close friends on fb.

Whichever, don't lose sleep over it.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 11/01/2013 20:09

Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again

You definitely need to calm down.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 11/01/2013 20:09

Pictogram, you are not seriously proposing doing that are? Why on earth would you feel the need to upset your child so much?

If you only saw them 5 times last year then it will be fairly easy to allow enough time to progress that it all ends without dramatics.

I think yabvu if that is what you chose to do to a young child when it is so unecessary. At that point it will be you choosing to upset your child not her.

ceebie · 11/01/2013 20:09

pictogram I'm sorry but you are being ridiculous to sit your dc down and explain anything at all to them. Please stop being so dramatic. Absolutely no need to upset your child for no reason other than because you are annoyed with this woman. Surely your dc will still see the other child at school? And just because the Mum doesn't want to stay in touch via Facebook doesn't necessarily have to mean that you can't still be friends or at least pleasant and civil acquaintances in real life? I'm sure the dc can and probably will see each other.

SauvignonBlanche · 11/01/2013 20:10

Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again
Why on earth would you do that? Hmm

rainrainandmorerain · 11/01/2013 20:10

Sitting your children down and telling them they won't ever be seeing their friends again?

Are you serious?

That is a disproportionate reaction. And then some. Sorry, but you're being the drama llama here.

Do your children live in the same town? are they the same age? Are they not likely to see each other at activities, even if not planned? If you've only seen this woman and her kid(s) 5 times in the last year, assuming your children were present at each meeting, that's less than once every two months!

In any case, your dcs will soon be old enough to have 'play dates' or whatever which don't require mums go sit around and be friends too. Did your friend explicitly say she did not want her children to see yours? Or do you not want your kids to ever see hers because you are upset about this defriending?

I think it would be silly and irresponsible to pass on your drama to your children, sorry.

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