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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be shaking and so upset about this

178 replies

pictogram · 11/01/2013 19:29

When my first dc was a tiny baby i met a group of mothere through an activity we did (baby sensory)

We would meet every week. Even when people went back to work after maternity leave we tried to meet up for occasional nights out etc.

Anyway, our dc all started school in september and i checked facebook recently to findout that one of these friends, who i though of as a good friendhas defriendedme :(

I had seen her probably 5 times in thelast year and thought we were all really close. When i messaged her to ask what was going on she said that it was nothing personal but that she felt we had all grow apart a bit and sne wanted to move on.

Aibu to be absolutely devastated by her splitting up our group in this way? Our dc have been friends since they were babies! I am sorry but i am just so shocked and devastated ladies :(

OP posts:
stoatie · 11/01/2013 20:14

Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again

Why on earth would you do that. No need to say anything unless dc ask about seeing friends - if they do contact rest of group to meet up?

FerrisBueller1972 · 11/01/2013 20:17

Oh dear god. Why on earth do you have to 'break the news' to your 5 yo? Kids have seen each other 5 times in 12 months.... They are not best friends.

It is hard when friends move on but it really doesn't sound like she considered you as close as you felt about the friendship?

twofingerstoGideon · 11/01/2013 20:17

YABU and over-dramatic to be honest.

MrsMelons · 11/01/2013 20:18

I am so confused, you said you had seen them 5 times in the last year. Why would your DCs care?

I think it would be unkind to make a big deal about it to your DCs if they were bothered as it is likely at their young age they will move on without a thought at all!

CheCazzo · 11/01/2013 20:19

Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again

What's the MN equivalent of the BAFTAs and when is it - I nominate this ludicrous post for every award going!

JambalayaCodfishPie · 11/01/2013 20:23

Seriously though..

OP, If you sit your children down and tell them this, and they actually remember who you're talking about - they're probably going to think its their fault. Kids tend to.

So dont.

twofingerstoGideon · 11/01/2013 20:25

OP, just because someone has 'defriended' you on FB doesn't necessarily mean they've defriended you in RL. I've taken several real life friends off my friend list just because their posts were too frequent/inane/overly political/boastful about their children's accomplisments etc. etc. I still go and drink coffee and eat cake with them, though.

wannaBe · 11/01/2013 20:25

"Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again." you really need to get some perspective on this. You see these people five times a year. Your dc don't need to be told anything. They are not best friends, they are friends yes, but at four and five friendships are fluid anyway, if you just don't see these people again the dc really won't be any the wiser.

Op - if you are that upset about friendship on facebook then perhaps it's time to step away from the internet.

Original poster
pictogram · 11/01/2013 20:26

I appreciste your posts, thamk you. I still cant get my head around it, but looking back i guess there were signs..

When i found out my second pregnancy was twins everyone was so shocked and overwhelemed, yet she simply smiled and said congratulations. Perhaps she is jealius? Who knows.

My dc do deserve the truth and i will be honest with them - we are same town but not same school.

OP posts:
CheCazzo · 11/01/2013 20:28

Your DC do NOT deserve the (dramatic) 'truth'. At their age friends and people come and go, fade and re-appear etc all the time. If you do not mention it they will not, and if they do a non-committal response will do just fine. Stop already with the drama!

JambalayaCodfishPie · 11/01/2013 20:29

but looking back i guess there were signs..

Good luck with your break up OP, you're just a tad too dramatic for me. and maybe for your friend

twofingerstoGideon · 11/01/2013 20:30

When i found out my second pregnancy was twins everyone was so shocked and overwhelemed, yet she simply smiled and said congratulations. Perhaps she is jealius?

Oh, do give over.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 11/01/2013 20:31

please don't tell your kids - they are way too young to appreciate this and you are making a huge drama. do you remember your friends from when you were 5? Once kids start school friendships tend to get built there anyway

why do you think you won't meet up anymore? just because you aren't friends on facebook doesn't mean you can't be civil when out and about

it sounds like you micro manage your kids friendships too much

and it sounds like you are incredibly intense - this really shouldn't be bothering you this much.

spatchcock · 11/01/2013 20:32

OP you sound like a bit of a drama queen! Try and maintain some dignity - no more messages, no 'sit down - I must tell you something' talks. It's not about being honest; you don't need to spell out everything to your kids.

Loquace · 11/01/2013 20:36

My dc do deserve the truth and i will be honest with them

Oh stop it!

If you want or need the drama, then fair enough. But for goodness sake your childrens' need not to be made pawns in this life hicuup outwieghs your desire to squeeze every little bit of pathos that you can put of it.

You are upset, I understand, but our job is to make sure they don't sweat OUR small stuff.

If they ask after their freinds distract, be vuague, they will get over it well before they ever realise it has been ages since they have actually played with their freinds.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 11/01/2013 20:36

That is your right.

But when they are upset you need to remember it isn't her who has upset them, it is you.

rainrainandmorerain · 11/01/2013 20:37

Your dc do not 'deserve the truth' - you are indulging your own sense of drama at their expense. Get a grip. You will be presenting them with an overly complex and adult version of friendship which will make no sense to them, and as someone else has pointed out, they may very well blame themselves for things going wrong, even if they don't understand it.

I'm sorry - but someone defriends you on fb, signals politely that they want to cool things - and you want to sit your young kids down and tell them 'the truth' and that they will never see the other woman's kid(s) again. Even though they live in the same town.

Quit stirring, get a grip and be a grown up parent to your children.

LuluMai · 11/01/2013 20:38

You've sounded odder and odder with every post. I think I would defriend you too!

giveitago · 11/01/2013 20:38

OP - I feel for you. I think the winding down of this friendship would be played out better in rl rather on the crappo thing called facebook.

However, don't tell your child. Please don't involve your child in your world of facebook. you kid won't even remember this friend in a few months.

OP might feel this friendship is important for her and dc. Motherhood is hard and not to be played out on the shite that is facebook. I felt very marginalised as a new mother as no family around or support. You can get very sensitive.

This is partly about you. Honestly, it gets easier as your kids get older.

LegoAcupuncture · 11/01/2013 20:39

Honestly? You need to get a grip.

I had a group of friends, we all met at baby group when there with our pfbs. 4 years we met practically every week. And BANG as soon as the children start at different schools you lose that friendship. It's harsh, but it does happen. I've made other friends, all from the school my DC go to, and no doubt once they move to middle school Ill lose hat friendship as well.

You need to learn to let go. And please, for the love of cake, don't sit your DC down and tell them they can never see them again. Why upset them so young. If theynaskmwhere their friend is, just gloss over it.

Flobbadobs · 11/01/2013 20:41

Are you this dramatic on FB? I defriended someone who would post the most over dramatic and exhausting FB updates constantly. A parking ticket ended up sounding like someone had died...
You need to step back, take a breath and please don't tell your DC's

HollyBerryBush · 11/01/2013 20:42

Our dc are best friends since babies! That means something!

Not to a 5yo it doesnt - they move on pretty quickly to children they see every day and are at school with.

Please do stop with the 'devastated* crat - it reads like a hysterical teenager (which you may be) - you have only seen this person once every couple of mionths, despite living within proximity. Don;t you have any other friends? Tbh you sound awfully neddy.

devastated my arse. Christ knows what you will do when a light bulb needs changing.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 11/01/2013 20:43

Tbh with each post you write I can see why she maybe finds you hard work and wanted to tone down the friendship.

To accuse someone of jealousy because they merely congratulated you on being pregnant and didn't make a huge fuss, then all this about 'my children deserve to know the truth' when they won't give a shit, and you clearly want them to be upset because you are, then the neediness about close friendships and how you are shaking and devestated because the woman you have seen 5 times in a year has defriended you on FB makes you sound like you love a good drama.

Please don't upset your kids to make yourself feel better, there is simply no need.

CheCazzo · 11/01/2013 20:43

Grin @ Holly - I expect the whole family PLUS lightbulb will have to have some heavy duty counselling first. And afterwards.

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 20:44

"When i found out my second pregnancy was twins everyone was so shocked and overwhelemed, yet she simply smiled and said congratulations. Perhaps she is jealius? Who knows."

Oh my actual God.