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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be shaking and so upset about this

178 replies

pictogram · 11/01/2013 19:29

When my first dc was a tiny baby i met a group of mothere through an activity we did (baby sensory)

We would meet every week. Even when people went back to work after maternity leave we tried to meet up for occasional nights out etc.

Anyway, our dc all started school in september and i checked facebook recently to findout that one of these friends, who i though of as a good friendhas defriendedme :(

I had seen her probably 5 times in thelast year and thought we were all really close. When i messaged her to ask what was going on she said that it was nothing personal but that she felt we had all grow apart a bit and sne wanted to move on.

Aibu to be absolutely devastated by her splitting up our group in this way? Our dc have been friends since they were babies! I am sorry but i am just so shocked and devastated ladies :(

OP posts:
LIZS · 12/01/2013 10:09

Do you have a dp/dh op ? What is their view ?

Schnarkle · 12/01/2013 10:18

haha at sitting the child down to break the news. Reminds me of that Catherine Tate character & the 2 children in the kitchen with the constant catastrophes.

Seriously though, stand back and think.

ModernToss · 12/01/2013 10:36

I can't believe this is real. Who sits down five year olds and tells them this sort of dramatic nonsense?

Sallyingforth · 12/01/2013 10:39

YABU to be upset about anything on FB.
It's not actually that important, and strange though it may seem you can actually live without it.

superstarheartbreaker · 12/01/2013 10:40

Am I the only one who thinks its a bit wierd to defriend someone on Facebook just because I have moved on with life? Many of my facebook 'friends' are from my past. I never see them anymore; they are no longer part of my life but it's nice to have them so I can cyber stalk them You have overreacted but then so has she.

superstarheartbreaker · 12/01/2013 10:41

I would like to add that the main reason I have for defriending someone is if they piss me off.

MrsMelons · 12/01/2013 10:43

Superstar it is quite weird, I have blocked people as the stuff they put on their status is inappropriate but not defriended unless there was a huge falling out.

t0lk13n · 12/01/2013 10:43

You must live a charmed life if de -friending by someone has left you so shaken. Move on....clearly your 'friend' has!

lolaflores · 12/01/2013 10:45

Let us remember OP...nobody died.
Also, that you cannot hang onto your children's childhoods forever, they will twist out of your grasp. Some time soon, you won't matter either as your little one's take off for whatever life holds for them. better buckle up cos that one is going to be really rough if you are experiencing so much distress at the first pot hole in the hroad.

baremadness · 12/01/2013 10:45

I would just like to raise the point that the op said that the adults still met up for nights out etc. I take that to mean the children have seen each other a lot less than 5 times in the last year. So not much change to never seeing them (even though they live in the same town and will undoubtedly see them at some point)

baremadness · 12/01/2013 10:50

Some people are a bit funny how they use facebook.

I personally take the view of having people I haven't seen in years but never posting anything I wouldn't mind the entire world seeing.

Others post personal stuff and photos they only want their very nearest and dearest seeing. So when relationships drift they defriend as they dont want everyone knowing their personal thoughts.

Just because she facebook defriended you doesnt mean she doesnt want to casually see you around it may just meanshe doesnt feel close enough to share her deepest darkest secrets any more.

WeAreEternal · 12/01/2013 10:52

YABVU.
and extremely dramatic.

You've only seen this person five times in the last year, your dc won't even remember who they are. Even if you spent every day together before then, in a year, at 4/5 they will completely forget someone.

The children are not best friends. They may be your child's only friends, but if they have only seen each other five times in the last year then they are not close at all, and neither were you and the mother.

You have drifted apart or the mother has fazed you out over the last year, and now that the dc's have started school it is a new chapter in theirs and your lives, IMO it is the perfect time to cut old ties.

The dc's aren't even at the same school, they will have no idea who they are by now so there really is no need to sit them down and tell them the 'truth'.
If they ask about them you should say "we are not going to see them any more" but there is no need to upset a 5yr old by telling them that thy don't want to be our friends any more so we will never see them again.

reading your thread I can sort of see why the woman decided to faze you out, you seem like hard work

nilbyname · 12/01/2013 10:52

Op I totally get why you would be upset and hurt. I would feel the same way too inside but it is really important that you do not drag your children into this, you are the adult and the parent and it is your job in life to do the follow things-
Love them
Protect them and keep then safe
Provide for them
Be an example for them

Can you hand on heart see the good in "sitting them down" and telling them that they have lost friends? it would be cruel and irresponsible in my view.

Chin up.

SueFlaysAgainstTheDaleks · 12/01/2013 11:04

This thread deserves a Daily Mail [sadface]? emoticon

lolaflores · 12/01/2013 11:04

I have a firm feeling that OP has possibly gone her own way with what to tell her kids. cannot imagine she would take much notice of what anyone said once her dander was up.
Very surprised if she reports in.

digerd · 12/01/2013 11:10

I know women who call someone a friend that they see only at the dance class once a week and like to sit next to, when not dancing.
I don't call them my friends as I see them only twice a week at the dance class.
There are those I like who are friendly and nice, some I don't even know their names. A few walk past me without acknowledging me. I have learnt to be more thick skinned.
"my friend" is easier to say than "an acquaintance of mine", I suppose.

Lafaminute · 12/01/2013 11:14

YABU. I have defriended someone who was offended by things I had posted. My thinking was that I'd rather keep her as a friend in rl than on fb but she chose to be offended too by the de(un?)friending and doen't speak to me in rl either (good call that defriending I think!). I also de (un?) friended someone who posted too many pictures thereby filling my timeline daily with HIS stuff.

waltermittymistletoe · 12/01/2013 11:39

YANBU to be upset. You've just found out your friendship that you values and enjoyed is no more. So I understand feeling sad.

However...shaking, sitting the children down, the level of devastation? To be frank; I can see why she dumped you if this is how you behave all the time.

Has she cut off everyone else in the group or just you?

Loquace · 12/01/2013 12:04

Who sits down five year olds and tells them this sort of dramatic nonsense?

My mother did. Which is why the "sit down and break the news to the children" post set me off.

It wasn't an isolated incident with my mum, she kept it up and we lesrned fast to give her the over emotional response she needed to validate her own OTT reactions immediatly, cos she wouldn't let up until we did. Which is at the heart of the issue why I no longer have a relationship with her.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 12/01/2013 12:10

Don't think OP is coming back.

I had a friend come and tell me (in person) that she didn't want to be my friend any more. She basically told me that I was "getting in the way" of her and our mutual friends relationship.

It was upsetting at the time as I really thought I had made 2 really good friends - who in fairness had been for the last 4 years since we met at post-natal class - and had helped me through PND issues.

The 3 of us stopped seeing each other altogether. 5 years on I still see the other friend and it is so much better as I don't have the jealous friend trying to get in between us. She also still sees the other girl and enjoys her company too.

We have crossed paths in the last few years and are polite and friendly - after all there is no need not to be.

"Some friends are meant for a life time and some just for that moment in time"

kerstina · 12/01/2013 13:37

I think you have had a hard time on this thread and I do not think yabu at all. Your friend did not have to de-friend you in such an attention seeking way. I do not understand people who are literally saying that they take absolutely no interest in another persons life in the here and now and the future. She might feel like she has moved on but fgs you don't have to see everybody on facebook in real life all the time! Why could she not keep you as a friend on there and keep in touch. What I love most about facebook is I have found friends and they have found me who I thought I had lost touch with and now I love the fact we are back in contact and we might not see each other in real life but the connection is there. I did have someone, an ex work mate de-friend me but then a few years later added me back. All became clear why- she has started a new nails business venture and the more fb friends she has the better!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 12/01/2013 13:42

'defriend in an attention seeking way' where was the attention seeking? She did it and didn't say a word and only mentioned it when the OP asked Confused

kerstina · 12/01/2013 13:47

Personally I think it is attention seeking because she could have just let the friendship go quietly and naturally instead it was a firm deleting, an abrupt end, a dumping of the friendship ! Perhaps I am being dramatic now!

Proudnscary · 12/01/2013 14:06

I think OP has deserved the mauling on this thread, as she is a fool. As (nearly) everyone else has said the kids would doubt notice or care about these friends. I really hope OP has not spoke to her dc - Jaded's post is spot on!

exexpat · 12/01/2013 14:11

Kerstina, perhaps the friend knows what the OP is like and thought it was better to quietly unfriend on FB rather than get into the kind of situation we also see threads about on MN, when one or two people from a group of friends do something together, photos appear on FB, and others who think they have a 'right' to be included in everything get huffy about it...