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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be shaking and so upset about this

178 replies

pictogram · 11/01/2013 19:29

When my first dc was a tiny baby i met a group of mothere through an activity we did (baby sensory)

We would meet every week. Even when people went back to work after maternity leave we tried to meet up for occasional nights out etc.

Anyway, our dc all started school in september and i checked facebook recently to findout that one of these friends, who i though of as a good friendhas defriendedme :(

I had seen her probably 5 times in thelast year and thought we were all really close. When i messaged her to ask what was going on she said that it was nothing personal but that she felt we had all grow apart a bit and sne wanted to move on.

Aibu to be absolutely devastated by her splitting up our group in this way? Our dc have been friends since they were babies! I am sorry but i am just so shocked and devastated ladies :(

OP posts:
Bubblegum78 · 11/01/2013 21:38

I have read your whole thread;

The crux of this situation is that you and your "friend" see your friendship differently.

If this is how you usually behave I'm not surprised she is offloading you, in fact, it looks to me as if she has only seen you when she had to and has now decided it's safe to cut you loose.

Seeing someone 5 times in 5 years does not constitute an amazing friendship and assuming your children saw her children 5 times in 5 years I imagine that if you simply didn't mention them again they would soon forget about them.

You tell us that you are upset and shaking and that you feel devasted at the loss of this friend and dreadfully rejected and then you tell us you are going to tell your kids so that they can basically feel bad with you, it's not a very nice thing to do to your children is it?

It's also not very grown up, you basically want someone to sit down and boo hoo with and picking your children for this task is cruel.

Yes, you are overreacting and you are being a dreadful drama queen and if you are not careful you will lose more friends.

People move on and outgrow each other, that's life.

I think you need to get a sense of proportion about this, feel upset for a bit, then let it go.

Samnella · 11/01/2013 21:39

That's awful bishboschone.

Flobbadobs · 11/01/2013 21:40

It's not the losing a friend bit that I'm unsympathetic about greensleeves it's the drama and hysteria thats annoying. That and dragging her poor kids into the whole thing.
And I don't have a huge circle of friends either.

hammyimo · 11/01/2013 21:43

I think once your dc are at school you sometimes realise that the people you've been hanging out with (because they have dc the same age, because you are around in the daytime) are nothing like you. She's obviously been unhappy about something. And has decided it's time to move on.

Your dc will barely notice. Most aren't the slightest bit bothered with people they knew a year ago, they move on at school. Their friendships are incredibly fluid. They fall in love with someone one week - six weeks later they move onto someone else entirely. Mine doesn't even recognise in the street dc she knew incredibly well a couple of years ago.

Is there any reason the rest of the group can't meet without her?

From my own experience, I see only 2 people socially (3 years later) from the numerous people I knew around the toddler stage.

Some people have hang-ups about things. Maybe she thinks the pressure of being in a group is too much, or that the group members aren't the type she'd normally be friends with, or she can't be herself with the group. If someone in the group has strong views that she doesn't hold, it can wind people up beyond. Whatever the reason you have to accept it.

I agree it's pretty mean to just defriend you on fb though.

Some advice given to me I really appreciated - some friends are here for life, others are just passing through. Enjoy them while they're there.

Original poster
pictogram · 11/01/2013 21:45

Thank you greensleeves bishbosh and other who see my pov.

It has not been 5 times in 5 years. Last year was a busy year for me and it was harder for me to see people. 2 years agowe were seeing each other around 3 times a week!!

For the record, i have plenty of friends! But tbis friendship should mean something special! Dc froends since birth, sharing those early days etc.

OP posts:
MummytoKatie · 11/01/2013 21:47

If you live in a small town and your kids are the same age then they will see their friends again. Brownies, gym, ballet, football, swimming etc - it's the same kids who turn up again and again. (I grew up n a small town - this is my area of expertise.)

So FFS don't have "the talk" with them or what should be a nice reunion will just be upsetting for them.

If your dc ask to see them then why not just ask them over for a play date. If they are at school the they are old enough to presumably start having play dates on their own. (Little shaky on this - dd is only 2.)

You can always ask her to stay for coffee when she drops the kids off.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 11/01/2013 21:48

100+ posters, but only those posters could possibly have been talking sense......

AIBU? YES
NO I'M NOT!!!!

Samnella · 11/01/2013 21:48

I have to agree with greensleeves. There is an awful lot of spite directed at the OP. Bubblegum78 - Saying your not surprised her friend has off loaded her is unecessarilly spiteful. You are aiming that on someone who has already said how upset she is. Why kick someone when they are down? I agree the OP is being a bit dramatic but many are when in shock and adjusting to something. No I don't think she should tell her children but you can say that without being an arsehole about it.

Original poster
pictogram · 11/01/2013 21:50

Oh, and somethingi held back as i didnt want to be outed - our dc1s share a birthday and have had 2 joint birthday parties!,,

OP posts:
nkf · 11/01/2013 21:51

You are overreacting but why? That's the thing that's worth exploring. It may be that you are a drama queen but it might be other things. Some thoughts:

Was this new group of friends (and her) particularly important when you had a new baby. Sort of part of your new life as a mother.

Does it remind you of other rejection, previous rejections? That can happen.

Was she intense with you? One of those friendships where people becomes friends quickly and fall out quickly?

Don't tell the children. Deal with it yourself.

I don't know anything about FB but there is something odd about the defriending. I mean, I sometimes delete numbers from my phone but those people don't know I have so there is no offence given or taken.

HTH.

Fakebook · 11/01/2013 21:52

You keep going on about "dc were friends since birth!!!! It should mean something!!!!"

You've obviously found out it means jack shit. Now move on.

Bobyan · 11/01/2013 21:52

Two joint parties your Dcs probably can't remember!

MrsDeVere · 11/01/2013 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 11/01/2013 21:55

Please don't upset your children by saying anything about this. You are a grown up. You need to sort out your adult friendships yourself, without hurting or burdening your children. It's your job to mop up their tears, not the other way round!

TandB · 11/01/2013 21:56

You would be very unkind to make this a big deal for your children. You say the group's children started school recently so the oldest is around 4/5, right?

They aren't going to be remotely bothered unless you turn it into a massive thing for them -and then they WILL be upset. Is that what you want?

I have faint memories of going to play with a little girl called Cheryl who we knew through a soft play centre. [waves to Cheryl in case she ended up on MN 30 years later] I think they moved or something because we stopped going. I don't ever remember wailing and crying about it - but if my mum had done what you are proposing to do I probably would have got upset.

Just let it go, for goodness sake.

TandB · 11/01/2013 21:59

Oh and my DS1 has a "friend from birth". They saw each other at least every other day for the first few months of their life. They went to nursery together until 2. They don't see each other so much now because we live further apart and they still ask about one another. DS1 still says that he is his best friend. But they don't cry themselves to sleep over it - because we've never made a big deal about it.

DS1: When can I see x?
Me: Oh we'll go see him sometime soon.
DS1: Okay

Flojobunny · 11/01/2013 22:00

No wonder she defriended you if you are usually this dramatic about everything. It really is quite frustrating and annoying, that you aren't listening to anyone's pov and have to break the tragic news to the children. It's hardly like their father has died or something, totally totally weird.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 11/01/2013 22:00

Kungfu My BESTEST friend apparently until I was four was called Hannah, and I have a scar on the inside of my lip from when I was playing chase with her, fell, and bit through it.

Haven't seen her since we moved. Do I remember her, no. Do I care, no.

MNHQ
OliviaPeacein2013Mumsnet · 11/01/2013 22:01

Oh look a handy link to our guidelines

Peace and love, all.

PickledInAPearTree · 11/01/2013 22:01

op your children are unlikely to care.

your obviously very upset, just sort your own feelings out but don't worry about your dc after such minimal contact over the past year I don't think they will be upset?

nkf · 11/01/2013 22:01

I think people are curiously dissmissive of friends on this thread. Friends can mean a great deal to people. I remember an old friend of mine went off to university and had this very deep involvement with someone else. A friendship, not sexual at all but very very intense. And when it went wrong (I forgot the details,) she was just like someone who had had her heart broken. She could talk about nothing else and she used terms like betrayal. It was all very very heavy.

OP, you are being irrational rather than unreasoanble but it's worth looking at why. And you will get over it. It's like a slap in the face and it hurts.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 11/01/2013 22:01

What did we do???

rainrainandmorerain · 11/01/2013 22:02

jeesus.

Just think, OP. IT MAY NOT BE ALL ABOUT YOU.

Imagine - if you can - that your friend might have gone through some sort of personal crisis/illness/trauma, and can't cope with much right now. She doesn't want to share that with everyone - esp perhaps people who are needy or self dramatising, or just one way or another hard work.

This need not be anyone's fault. Shit happens. AND IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU.

As for telling your kids 'the truth' - what the hell are you actually going to be telling them??? One of mummy's friends defriended her on facebook??

It's not going to be that, is it. It's going to be something more dramatic and about how hurt you are, and you're going to want them to be hurt too, and you're going to make damn sure that if they bump into this former friend and her dcs, which they will because you live in the same town, they will at best be awkward, but really, you'd prefer them to be hostile, I think, and lordy god woman please grow up and get over it and don't drag your kids into this bonkers drama of yours. Feel a bit upset, feel a bit baffled, by all means - but accept you don't know the full story, you may have no right to, no one has been 'cruel' (...), think about all the other friends you have - and again, just accet that maybe IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

PickledInAPearTree · 11/01/2013 22:02

I meant that to sound a but nicer btw!

TandB · 11/01/2013 22:06

Poor Hannah. So easily forgotten. [glares judgementally at Jambalaya]

I do remember Cheryl. She had Sindy dolls and their house had a little porch with a window with those diamond patterns in the glass.

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