to be shaking and so upset about this

[pictogram]

When my first dc was a tiny baby i met a group of mothere through an activity we did (baby sensory)

We would meet every week. Even when people went back to work after maternity leave we tried to meet up for occasional nights out etc.

Anyway, our dc all started school in september and i checked facebook recently to findout that one of these friends, who i though of as a good friendhas defriendedme :(

I had seen her probably 5 times in thelast year and thought we were all really close. When i messaged her to ask what was going on she said that it was nothing personal but that she felt we had all grow apart a bit and sne wanted to move on.

Aibu to be absolutely devastated by her splitting up our group in this way? Our dc have been friends since they were babies! I am sorry but i am just so shocked and devastated ladies :(

YABVU
Oh dear op, why on earth would you need to tell your child they won't see a friend again, that friend hasn't died or moved away so why add the drama?

I feel very sorry for OP's treatment on this thread. Whatever your view, she's upset at her treatment by this friend. It has hurt her feelings and knocked her confidence. There was nothing mean in the original post, nothing warranting such vitriol. Why kick someone when they're down?

However, I do agree that nothing can be gained from telling your kids. All it will do is upset them. Why not just wait and see what happens?

And, OP, I hope you feel less upset soon.

Ok, I am sorry that you are upset about losing your friend.
BUT, do you think you can see why it may be?
You do sounds very dramatic about things...and quite needy.

In my nct group there was a perfectly nice woman.
(There were 4 of us all together) We met each Thursday for a few years.
And I became very good friends with 2 of the women.
But the other "perfectly nice" woman, became very draining. Everything was a drama, or a crisis. She was really needy.
It all became too much and we just stopped inviting her round.

Life is too short.

I am sure the other woman was perplexed as to why and was upset, like you.

But sometimes people just move on.

AND as a closer, it would be reeeeeally indulgent of you to make an issue of it with your children.

My daughter did say every now and again, "Where is x today?" and I just said something like "Oh, they couldn't make it" eventually she stopped asking!
Much kinder not to make your child think that someone doesn't like you or them!!

she has probably defriended the group not just you - she probably doesn't need you if she is making new friends at her dc new school - it probably means it was less of a friendship and more convenience with the dc from her pov - which really means you are better of without her if you are looking for close friendships - saves you a lot of hassle for someone who wasn't the friend you thought she was.

it also doesn't mean the rest of you still can't meet - if this makes you realise that you value these friendships then you can put a little more effort in to seeing them.

I think Samnella made an excellent and thoughtful post.

Ten years ago in my first job after university I was very close to two other women. They are still in the same job but I have moved on.

We used to see each other really regularly, but one of the women got divorced and her husband had custody of the children and so the times when we used to meet up (holidays & weekends) were limited because one friend always had the children (we'd have been happy to have them by the way but she understandably wanted their time together to be special as there was only a bit of it!)

I'm close to friend 1 and friends 1 and 2 are close to each other as they work together but while I'm still friends with friend 2 we don't see each other regularly at all - I'd still be devestated if she defriended me though, I really would. Perhaps that is dramatic but can't everyone think of someone they maybe don't speak to loads but they do consider a friend?

I do think telling the children is wrong, completely wrong - but I do think some people have been harsh.

NC as this would out me...

My "best friend from birth" (DM & her DM were due the same day, went to antenatal together, we went to same preschool nursery, same school, etc) bullied the shit out of me all the way through primary school until I finally snapped a fortnight before the end of Y6 and had her against a wall by her throat (and she was a lot bigger than me). We were then "friends" during comp until the end of our GCSEs when she and some other friends we'd gone on holidays with bullied me again and I've never seen or spoken to her again (she didn't go to sixth form, I did).

I really wouldn't bother telling your children.

You don't remember Cheryl. You remember her stuff

I do so remember her!

[thinks reaaaaally hard]

She had long hair. In a plait.

And her name began with a C. [clutches at straws]

I'm going to bed now.

[avoids any more searching questions about Cheryl]

You're upset - ok, most of us think you are you being ridiculous and dramatic but you feel hurt and that's the way it is.

But please don't make a thing of this - there are three ways this could go for them:

VERSION 1

DC: Mummy when can I see friend X
You: Oh I think they're away but I'm sure we'll catch up sooner or later
DC resumes playing with lego

VERSION 2

You: Darlings I've got some terrible news. You must try to be brave and understand that it's nothing that you did
DC: already frightened and upset - what it is mummy?
You: Our VERY best friends in the world have decided that they don't like us anymore and we will never see them again
DC: Cry, feel rejected and sad when it could have been avoided if you go with version 1

VERSION 3

You: Darlings I've got some terrible news. You must try to be brave and understand that it's nothing that you did
DC: already frightened and upset - what it is mummy?
You: Our VERY best friends in the world have decided that they don't like us anymore and we will never see them again
DC: OK. What's for tea?
DC resume playing with Lego and show more perspective than you

OK, the OP hasn't been getting an easy ride here, but I think all most of us have done is give an honest answer to the OP's question: am I being unreasonable to be 'shaking and upset' & 'absolutely devastated' by being dropped by a FB/postnatal group friend.

A bit upset = normal
'devastated' = hmm
Wanting to pass the devastation on to her DCs = hmm hmm

Sorry, phone smiley fail hmm =

Your children do not "deserve" to be told the truth about this. And that's supposing there is a "truth," rather than your take on a slightly unfortunate situation.
If they deserve anything, it's for you to shield them from any unnecessary pain, not drag them into a drama that shouldn't really even be a drama. That's supposing they give a monkey's.

I get the hurt at being dumped, can't quite get my head around choosing to mess with your kids heads though.

So they shared a birthday/party.

If they ask why they haven't seen these kids (very unlikely) you say 'oh, you know we are all a bit busy, maybe we will see them later' no drama, no hurt, no tears for your DCs.

okay little concerned that you think your kids need to be updated with every detail of your friendships.

Out of interest what did you expect her to say when you messages her? [confuses]

Am dreading sitting my dc down tomorrow and explaining to them that they wont ever be seeing their friends again

Ok, I've only read page one but this comment stands out a mile to me.

DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILD PLEASE.

You child is four, maybe five? You are starting to sound a bit needy, a bit paranoid and a bit of a Catastrophizer with a victim complex. Do not dump all of that emotional angst onto your poor child.

There are some v odd threads on here today.
Op,yanbu to feel hurt but yabvvu to involve your children in this pantomime.

This thread actually made me think last night and I feel I (and some others) have actually been quite harsh to the OP.

I have one friend we met through a baby group, she is probably one of the best friends I have ever had. Now the DCs are at school/we are back to work we see each other less than we used to which was weekly. We porbably only get together properly once a month/two months due to busy schedules although we text weekly and see each other for a minute at a school pick up once a fortnight. She doesn't use FB. We go away together for weekends and even went to Disneyland together with our DHs and DCs, we are closer than just meeting for coffee.

The DCs are very close to my friends DCs and do talk about each other a lot, I would actually be devastated if we fell out or she decided she wanted to move on so I think maybe you are not being OTT about your feelings at all. I am sorry I was so blase about it all.

HOWEVER, the children do not need to know as they will definitely be ok. My eldest DS is 7 so I think they do have stronger friendships by now but DS2 is 4 and for instance although he was really upset when leaving his 'best friend' at pre-school he actually has moved on already (although loves seeing him when we do get together but isn't devastated). I cannot see why you would want to upset your DCs and make them feel as bad as you do. In fact they are likely to say 'oh ok' and carry on as they were.

I really don't think it is necessary to project your disappointment onto the dc by involving them in your issues. They may ask and you say x isn't available to play . You may come across the family again, in the parks, at parties or events and the dc may pick up where they left off , or not, but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter.You seem to have more emotional investment in this than your "friend" and maybe she sensed this or maybe she just has other things to focus on. Unless you only saw them last week , were really close and making arrangements for the next occasion I think you have just drifted. I used to see NCT group every fortnight when pfb was little but that changed when mums went back to work, they went to preschool and again when families moved and they started school. Accept it as another phase and move on - your dc will if you let them. If you find that hard maybe you need to rethink how you value friendships. Sorry but yabu.

So maybe she doesn´t like you-if your child ever asks about hers, you can still ask her about them playing together.

Children can be friends without the mothers being friends.

BTW I now no longer live in the country where my children were born-they don´t even have the change to see the chilren who were born when they were

My DC were born at a time when 5 of my long term best friends were either pregnant or had just given birth. One of the DC is my darling nephew. Our DC today are teenagers and while they are perfectly pleasant to each other, they are not close friends.
The moral is, DC will grow up and choose their own friends. Best friends age 5 and under is nothing to get excited about, trust me.

I was extremely sympathetic to the OP's distress over losing what she thought was a good friend. But do not tell your children any dramatic version of THE TRUTH. You have no idea whether your children will see or or socialise with the other kids again, bump into each other at sports classes etc. It is more important to protect your children than to tell THE TRUTH in this instance.

Op I think it's worth remembering that some people have a different view of friendship. I consider that I have no friends close or otherwise I have aquainences and dp is the same. However several people consider that we are their close friends.

For example dp is best man at two weddings this month. These people are not even invited to our wedding! They don't take it personally. In the true meaning of friendship they appreciate that this is just the type of people we are.