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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally over the way people let other people treat them at Christmas

248 replies

Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:48

rather than speaking up for themselves?

Yes, it's a fred about many many many freds.

You're all adults. Act like adults.

Someone insults you, say something.

Someone hurts your feelings, say something.

Someone leaves you out of something, say something.

Fuck 'keeping the peace' and 'not causing a rift'. They have already caused the rift by upsetting you. What do you have to lose except toxic, rude, obnoxious people in your life?!?!?!?

OP posts:
kim147 · 26/12/2012 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 26/12/2012 09:54

It's hard Tee. Is it cos we all want a happy Christmas except for the toxic's who seize it as a great opportunity ?

I have a toxic mother. 4 years ago we decided to not see other family on Christmas Day as we'd had enough of upsets. Not that hard for us to engineer as we don't live near. It's us 4 and it has been bliss.

Instead they all come on Boxing Day. They know they have been relegated and behave better.

I agree that you don't have to stand for it. It's just a bit hard to make an emotional break.

Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:55

Well, you can be tactful and diplomatic without being a doormat and a wet blanket.

But some people need to be told the bare, honest truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:58

I'm not saying it's not wrong. I have an extremely difficult mother. But I've set boundaries over the years and make her respect them by reminding her of them as needed.

"I'm not discussing that." And stop talking.

"If you can't respect me and/or my house/children/whatever, there's the door." And follow through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:59

I'm not saying it's not hard, rather.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 26/12/2012 10:01

My family grind my nuts, I hated Christmas for years, I had a child, and I decided enough was enough, and now we just spend Boxing Day with them (wish me luck).

Maybe it's because I am just balls out rude, but the stories I read on here just leave me aghast!! How the fuck some people don't just react is amazing. I wouldn't tolerate it and I wouldn't have my daughter witness to it. She will have a better childhood and she will be a better person for it.

Get gnarly people, take back your own life

bootsycollins · 26/12/2012 10:01

I've been thinking this a lot recently, It's so intensely satisfying to tell somebody straight if they've pissed you off. I know it's childish but I really love an opportunity to say "just fuck right off to the other side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more". It's beyond me why anyone would ever waste an opportunity to say that......

Pancakeflipper · 26/12/2012 10:02

I think you have to reach a mental point when you think that's it and be strong enough. Toxic people hit on your weak areas and if parents then have had years to dig into your weak areas.

I always wanted to make everyone happy and then finally twigged they were happy when bringing me down.

TheNebulousBoojum · 26/12/2012 10:04

I do that to adults all year round, minus the swearing. Why should Christmas be any different? An arse is an arse, whatever the season.

MuffinPaws · 26/12/2012 10:05

I think it is very difficult for some people, Tee but that said, after years of tolerating family who warred with each other (not me), I asked them never to come back, not only at Christmas but never even to our home. Of course I was seen as being an utter bitch but I don't let it bother me at all.
Same went to shitty visitors who treated our home like a hotel. Barred.

Christmas was lovely here with dh, the children and me. Xmas Smile

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga · 26/12/2012 10:05

Tee it's ingrained into the British psych that you aren't rude to family. It takes a lot to overcome the conditioning that goes with that - more so as there are usually 2 people in a couple and one feels they can't say anything or upset the other person.

I'm not being nice for the sake of it this year especially after the reception by BiL last night and will find an appropriate time to say something to him.

HopeThatMakesSomeSenseTiggaxx

raspberryroop · 26/12/2012 10:09

ANd not just Christmas!!!!! I could scream at the bollocks some people on here put up with and let their children suffer. Feminism would take a huge leap forwArds if a huge swathe of woman weren' t so ' nice'

kim147 · 26/12/2012 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 26/12/2012 10:15

Agree 100% op. IL's visited last xmas and were vile. They are no longer welcome.

curiousuze · 26/12/2012 10:17

And a lot of people are married to assholes!

Thus ends my insightful contribution to this thread.

Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 10:18

Oh bull 'it's ingrained in the British'. If that was true you would have lost World War 1 and 2.

What you mean is it's ingrained in British women to be nice all the fucking time.

Well, un-ingrain it. Get over being nice and stop letting others treat you like shit in case they don't think you're nice.

I agree about the feminism thing, for sure. In NI 90% of the women I know speak in a whisper! It's ridiculous!

Be loud! Speak up! Stop letting them crush you under foot.

OP posts:
HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 26/12/2012 10:18

It is true.

People are shits because other people allow them to be.

If we all said no, I am not being treated like this by you, you have two choices, change or fuck off out of my life...

people would behave better!

They get away with being shits because those in their lives bend over and take it up the arse.

So the good people feel bad and the sacks of shit are actually protected by the good people from the consequences of their shittyness!

The nice people are afraid of upsetting the horrible people, while the horrible people know they can continue to be horrible because nobody's going to call them on it!

It is true that people treat you how you allow them to treat you.

I know, I used to be a MASSIVE people pleaser and still have that little voice inside me. I would even lie to people because I wanted to say what I thought they wanted to hear. So I'd be one person to someone and a whole other person to someone else.

It doesn't get you anywhere.

People DON'T like you for it. They DON'T respect you for it and you just feel miserable while the awful people continue to sneer and bitch and wipe their feet all over you.

ZebraInHiding · 26/12/2012 10:19

I also find that with parents a lot of people tend to revert to childhood, if that makes sense? So to break out of that mood, and then on top of it, stand up for yourself, can be a big thing. Childhood conditioning?

MuffinPaws · 26/12/2012 10:20
Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 10:20

"People DON'T like you for it. They DON'T respect you for it and you just feel miserable while the awful people continue to sneer and bitch and wipe their feet all over you."

This. 100%

OP posts:
Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 10:22

Thanks, Muffin but I'm not a citizen. Xmas Grin

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 26/12/2012 10:28

great just what some in here need many will have been manipulated or bullied and now have strangers tell them they are doormats what do they expect Hmm

I have spoken up against my ex does it change things no the only thing I could do is stop him seeing his son something I would not lower myself to doing I can think well I have acted the better person but it changes nothing I am still upset and I still miss out because someone choose to be a selfish prat

Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 10:32

Then you are letting him get away with the behaviour and ate being a doormat.

You just don't want to hear the truth.

OP posts:
slatternlymother · 26/12/2012 10:34

OP I understand what you're saying and I agree; but it's not that easy for some people. It took me years to actually stand up to my toxic parents and say 'fuck off out of my life'. I'll admit, it was easier once I'd had DS because I wanted to protect him from that kind of behaviour, but it was still very hard.

Weirdly, because I've done it, it's opened my eyes to how much other people get treated like trash by their families as well. It's the saddest thing Sad it really does take over whole lives.

Pancakeflipper · 26/12/2012 10:35

Sorry had to leave the conversation there as my mother is coming over soon and had to vac the lounge (she is a housework martyr)..... I have soooooo nearly got a handle on this.... So close.