Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally over the way people let other people treat them at Christmas

248 replies

Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:48

rather than speaking up for themselves?

Yes, it's a fred about many many many freds.

You're all adults. Act like adults.

Someone insults you, say something.

Someone hurts your feelings, say something.

Someone leaves you out of something, say something.

Fuck 'keeping the peace' and 'not causing a rift'. They have already caused the rift by upsetting you. What do you have to lose except toxic, rude, obnoxious people in your life?!?!?!?

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 26/12/2012 10:38

really you have come to that conclusion without knowing the full story

tell it like it is do you Hmm

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 26/12/2012 10:38

But it is true. It is hard to hear but it is true.

I am the original doormat! I may as well have gone to a tattoo shop and had them ink 'welcome' onto my forehead.

Conflict made me want to cry.

I needed everyone to be happy, everyone to like me. The thought of someone being cross with me made me feel physically sick.

Do you know what happens when you're like that?

The world shits all over you.

Shits and shits and shits and shits and won't stop shitting.

TheNebulousBoojum · 26/12/2012 10:45

I agree Hec, I have never been in that position, I've been an angry bird all my life.Smile
But I do resent that if you are a people-pleaser, a nice person and someone who avoids conflict, then that is used as a weakness by other people to be dominant and get their own way and be abusive.
Yes, I get impatient and vocal about those that enable dreadful behaviour because they are so passive and martyred and tolerant of the intolerable, but the true fault is always in the abuser and the exploiter of the weakness of others.
As a feminist, I despair that so little change has happened at a domestic level over the last three decades.

ZebraInHiding · 26/12/2012 10:47

I can't imagine you as a doormat Hec. I know you have alluded to your past on here, but obviously we don't know the full story, and nor do we need to know, I hasten to add! But you come across as such a fun, strong, sensible person who puts thoughts into their posts and when helping others. You set a good example of why others should break the mould the op is talking about.

Now I just need to do it in a few areas myself! Lol but as others have said, it is hard to break patterns.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 26/12/2012 10:52

Yes. But they do that because they are shits. Grin they're not going to stop. They see that they can walk all over you and the do so.

You can't change them, but you can change you.

Was my thinking.

I am not there yet.

I have taken a lot more shit from my husband than any sane person would Grin (although this has changed a LOT and our relationship is very very different now than in the early years) and letting my mother have it both barrels is probably going to be my White Whale Wink

But realising that people who are bastards are not going to treat you nicely just cos you're a nice person and they ought to, is a painful realisation. And after it comes the realisation that you can't avoid conflict and you can't give up your own happiness in order to try to keep them happy. And that it's ok if someone is not happy with you.

It isn't about judging people, it's about hoping and praying that good people who are currently living like this can see that they are worth more and they deserve to be treated better and they have the right to demand it.

It isn't criticising them, it's being on their side!

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 26/12/2012 10:53

oh yes, zebra. I probably still have the feet indentations from all the wiping. Grin

It doesn't get you anywhere.

If I could help one person break out of it and stand up and demand respect, I would be so happy.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 26/12/2012 10:58

Smacks a bit too much of victim blaming to me..if people treat others like bastards it's their fault and not the fault of any nice person they hurt.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 26/12/2012 10:58

The OP I mean..not the way Hecate puts it

raspberryroop · 26/12/2012 11:05

The problem is - is that it IS that .easy. LIving with the fall out can be hard for some people.Personally I have a twisted mind and love all the sqwalking a bit of polite directness causes. ALso fuck off is the way to start but the more you do it the more you can be polite and almost professional about it.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 26/12/2012 11:06

Going around boasting of telling people to fuck off smacks a bit to me of being the sort of person who is proud to "tell it like it is" but is often just rude

SuoceraBlues · 26/12/2012 11:08

I have a fairly simple choice.

Bite my toungue and aim for "water off duck's back" as much as possible. Or don't, and watch MIL and DH, niether of whom are equipped to cope with anything else on top of what we have going on at the moment, get a Tsunami of insults, flounces, coming back to make more accusations about what was said done in 1972, re-flounce, many phone calls, more family members getting involved....and me subsequently really losing my temper and dragging things up a notch or twenty.

People who are inclined to trample other people don't necessarily respond to a challenge to their behavoir with normal reactions. For some it is exactly what they have been aiming for all along, the chance for a fucking great big ruck just when others can cope with it the least.

I cut my own mother and brother out of my life almost ten years ago as an antidote to their similar behavoirs, so it's not like I'm adverse to fairly assertive courses of action in the normal scheme of things. I wish it were an option with DH's family. But circumstances make that a non option due to shared legal responsibilities and the sensibilities of people who are currently at a very low ebb who can't afford any more to deal with.

My toungue. It bleeds. But it's still the better choice compared to the alternatives.

sashh · 26/12/2012 11:12

You're all adults. Act like adults.
Someone insults you, say something.
Someone hurts your feelings, say something.
Someone leaves you out of something, say something.

It's not that easy if you have one or more toixics and a family of eneblers.

My parehts visited for 2 hours, my mum did a couple of things that were down right nasty.

I sucked it up for 2 hours. If I'd said my piece there would have been tears and my dad would defend her, as would my brother and his family.

One of the things she did relates to something she did to me in my early teens. But if I mentioned it she would deny it happened. She has done this numerous times so it's easier not to say anything.

So i take shit for 2 hours and that means I'm on good terms with the rest of my family including the 'golden child'

raspberryroop · 26/12/2012 11:15

DO you know what Fanjo it is victim blaming but unless we accept that sometimes people are treated how they allow themselves to be treated then nothing will change. If women continue to vAlue themselves as less worthy than men of an opinion and ' rights' then there will be no reduction in DV

Adversecalendar · 26/12/2012 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 26/12/2012 11:18

Women aren't responsible for DV in any way, ever. Men are

AutumnGlory · 26/12/2012 11:20

I'm not a british women. After nearly 6 years that they welcomed me in their family, FIL now finally learned how to respect me 'properly' even when he is drunk and Dh realised that woman shouldn't be treated the way he has seen his mum been treated all his childhood. MIL has benefited too and I take no shit from her either.

TheNebulousBoojum · 26/12/2012 11:21

It is the fault of the abusive personality, but in order to effect change, waiting passively for them to realise that it's not nice to treat others badly because you can is not very effective.
Look at how you raise your children, when they do vile things because they can, do you just put up with it or do you say ' No, that's not OK' and have some sort of discussion or sanction to make them see why?
If you wait for change without being actively involved in the process, then it is going to be a long hard wait. Possibly eternal.

TheNebulousBoojum · 26/12/2012 11:24

'Women aren't responsible for DV in any way, ever. Men are'

Men who are given to abuse arrived at that point after a journey. What makes an abuser? Are they born bad or are they shaped by the expectations and experiences they have been subject to along the way?
I have a 6' son. He doesn't throw his weight around, recognises that he's part of a team in the house and that friendships are based on mutual respect. Was he born knowing that?

LividDil · 26/12/2012 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 11:25

Yes it is victim blaming.

I wouldn't stand for any shit, but then I was raised to be confident and wasn't abused or put down by my parents/family.

Not everyone is that fortunate and I have the capability to empathise, so I won't be knocking anyone for 'putting up with' anything.

Im sure those people will find your thread and lack of understanding a real confidence boost Tee, well done for being so fab.

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 11:30

'Women aren't responsible for DV in any way, ever. Men are'

^Men who are given to abuse arrived at that point after a journey. What makes an abuser? Are they born bad or are they shaped by the expectations and experiences they have been subject to along the way?
I have a 6' son. He doesn't throw his weight around, recognises that he's part of a team in the house and that friendships are based on mutual respect. Was he born knowing that^

The perpetrator of domestic violence is the only one to blame.

I know men who witnessed domestic voilence growing up, they are not abusive because they choose not to be despite what they have grown up around.

So, no, women are not responsible for DV unless it is them doing it.

MrsDeVere · 26/12/2012 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raspberryroop · 26/12/2012 11:53

You don't manage other people's behaviour that's the whole point . You manage your own, you manage your guilt and need to be liked and need to please. IT's also not about shouting fuck off to everyone anytime they sneeze its about being aware of how you are treated and learning to to say you know that doesn't work for me et al the mm phrase book. IF anyone really thinks that Dv doesn't start with the choices women make then they have not been on the relationship board very much and its not about blaming them for their choices but helping them make better ones

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 26/12/2012 12:02

It starts with the choice men make to hit them IMO

OneHandFlapping · 26/12/2012 12:05

What I don't understand is why so many people feel obliged to have 20 people they don't like, and who they kjnow will behave badly, for Christmas lunch, then run themselves ragged trying to give them all a perfect Christmas day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread