What I don't understand is why so many people feel obliged
I think it is possible that the concept of what is reasonable and what is not becomes warped over time. Politness initially hampered me. Later when my politness muscle was getting too many bouts of cramps to carry on I found I'd left it a bit late. Cos I think when I am surrounded by very many people who think I am the one out of step with how one should react to statements, impositions, behavoirs etc then over time I start to doubt my own measuring stick as being accurate. When I am near them at all at any rate.
Or at least, that is how I have felt quite often. Intellectually I know my stick is the "normal" one. But in a sea of dissenting voices who characterise me as the "difficult" "boat rocking" one, I end up feeling like it is me that is out of step with the "right" way to deal with thngs. It all feels very surreal when it is happening.
And they have had decade upon decade of practice with this. I am the last of more than one generation who have married in and been brought into line. I get tied in knots cos they are many, and have an answer for everything, tag team, mark my card with any non family members who happen to be in the vicinity as soon as humanly possible (who then meet me with tanglible preconcpetions, making me even more offf kilter and defnesive, which I don't doubt helps confirm their preconceptions that the issue is me becuase I'm sure I come accross as wound very tight by the time they speak to me in a slightyly sneery tone) speak over me and take advange of the fact that this is all being done in my second language (which gets dodgy when I am tired, stressed or getting defensive). When I come away, the fog lifts and reality comes back into play. I resolve to do things differnetly tommorow. Then tommorow comes and all my stratagies bounce off their determined status quo like arrows made of warm butter being fired at an iron clad fort.
I want MIL to survive her current hospitalisation. But part of me is looking forward to another time in the future when she is gone, and I never have to clap eyes on any of these people ever again.
And there is every possibility that some posters are right, that I am colluding with this happening. But after 18 years, in the knowledge of the awful repucussions for people I love when I did put my foot down and refuse to participate in this dynamic in the early years, plus the current MIL based complications, I just don't know what I can to do make it different. It is taking everything I have to put one foot in front of the other, organise so DS is at firends' houses as much as possible to maintain as much normality as humanly possible, support DH and meet MIL's needs.
What a fucking mess. I know how I got here. But I still don't fully understand how I let myself get here. I don't want to be on this merry go round, but it has been speeding up surrepticously over the years, has no intension of stopping so I can get my family off safely and jumping off in mid spin cycle looks far worse than hunkering down and trying to wait it out till the "engine" dies, we hold her funeral and then I can then step off and walk away, more or less whole, from the fairground
Probably all the above proves is that I am weak, scared (and knackered). But I didn't start out this way, I just sort of got whittled away over time. Especially the last six months, which have been awful. And I didn't notice till too much of me was gone.
Hopefully only temporarily. I still seem to be intact and prepared to stand my ground when it comes to other people. When we get to cut the ties with DH's family I immagine I'll avoid finding myself here again.