To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

[Bettyintheburbs]

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

Yes they totally over reacted. Sounds like feelings running very high. You have my sympathies.

Sorry you have had such a tough year but I think you we're being a bit unreasonable to have a go at her about a hamper she didn't buy in the end.

YANBU what a shame that they left while you were eating a bit drama queen, she is probably regretting it now

Although leaving mid meal was a bit ott.

"Oh for crying out loud mother, grow up" is a complete sentence

YANBU

She's done this a few times to me, usually when we are in our own with DD and I've invited her for lunch. If I disagree about anything, however minor she calls dad and demands to be taken home and then gives me the silent treatment until I apologise. I have stopped seeing her alone because she does this but I never thought she'd do it on Christmas Day. I hadn't opened DD's presents ( she's 18 months) with her as I didn't want my mum to feel left out and now they're all unopened and DD is asleep. Mum wanted me to leave DD with her on Xmas Eve overnight but I really wanted to wake up with her and DP so some tension around already but am just so angry she walked out of Xmas lunch.

They were unreasonable to react so strongly, but you easily could have left out the 'I'm the only one looking after his health' bit of the conversation. That sounds a bit of a dig at your dm. You could have made your point in a more diplomatic and less inflammatory way.

I didn't say 'I'm the only one looking after his health' it's just how I feel.

she sounds like a nightmare. Why did she think you'd want to leave dd overnight on christmas eve Wait for her to ring and apologise this time I say

Well, this is confusing.

You wrote in the OP:
' I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. '

You wrote in response to my post:
' I didn't say 'I'm the only one looking after his health' it's just how I feel.'

Which is it?

She sounds a right pita.

Is she prone to tears and tantrums by any chance? Bet she is described as sensitive.

Funny how these sensitive sorts don't give a shit about upsetting others.

My Mum did this when she advised me to wean ds at 6 weeks and I reacted negatively to the suggestion. For the first time I did NOT apologise. She didn't speak to me for nearly 14 months. She had done it loads before but I knew I was right about this so I wouldn't apologise.

Do NOT apologise, your Mum sounds like a big baby and your Dad should be be telling her to stop being so pathetic and get a grip too instead of pandering to her and driving her around in her childishness.

She wanted your daughter on Xmas eve???!!! She is sounding more and more like an ass the more you tell us. I think the best thing you can do is stand up to her and say 'no more' - she is a bully. Don't bow down to her unreasonableness. Don't contact her, dont apologise, she needs to learn she cannt keep doing this.

Really? you couldn't have bitten your tongue on today of all days? You acknowledge feelings are running high but you bite and give a lecture on something SHE DIDN'T DO. No smile and thanks for the thought.

YABU for that.

She IBU for leaving mid meal not the most grown up thing to have done.

but really who the hell can blame her when she just got a lecture despite NOT doing something. Bet you would have wanted to but not had the balls to if she had had a go at you about something you DIDNT DO.

My Gran used to be a bit like that with my stepmum. Dad had high blood pressure and would scoff whole blocks of cheese given half the chance, stepmum would suggest it wasn't a wise idea (as I would, but less subtly "dad you'll have a heart attack one day!") and Gran would give her evils. Dad did then go on to have a heart attack and started eating a bit more sensibly.

I assume she means she didn't say it in so many words?

I agree - your parents were being OTT.

And, honestly, I think even if you had said directly that you were the only one looking after your DH's health, that's merited given she decided to niggle again about the hamper. Saying 'I was going to buy you one but your wife said no' is just rude.

If I disagree about anything, however minor she calls dad and demands to be taken home and then gives me the silent treatment until I apologise.

My god, she sounds highly toxic and she's still throwing her toys out of the pram at her age....?

So, your dad puts up with this in order "to keep the peace"?
Poor man.

Get hold of a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. It will help you deal with her not only for yourself but for your daughter as she is growing up. You don't want her poison to start infecting her....(which it will if you don't put a stop to it).

Oh, and I'm so sorry you've had such a shit year.

Even from your account you sound a bit 'U'

Your parents (both of them) also sound very 'U'

It must have been sad for your DD. you all sound like you have had a terrible year. Apologies all round???? Maybe???

Wow I'm amazed people think OP is U here
The mother brought up the topic of the hamper (which she would've been U to have bought given OP's DP's health!)

Of course YANBU to be upset and angry. However, she soulnds like a right drama queen, so I suspect you, dd, and dp were better off without her. She's the one who has missed out
a) on the rest of the meal
b) on the cold turkey sandwiches for tea
c) on seeing her granddaughter opening her presents
d) any kind of decent relationship with her daughter.

I'm with Sarahseashell. Can't believe people are telling you you Abu. She brought up the hamper, you explained, she stomped out in a huff. She is bu. Totally.

Why on earth would she think you wouldn't want your baby with you Christmas eve? Especially after the year you've had. I had multiple massive PE last Christmas and its shit on the whole family. Well done for getting through the year and still hosting Christmas. I'm sorry you've been through all that.

Let her stew it off for a bit. Don't feed the attention-seeky, victimy, poor-little-me behaviour, it will only make it worse. Stay calm, enjoy your dd and your dp and let her go be bonkers somewhere away from you.

Hope you have been able to salvage the afternoon x

the only way in which you were unreasonable was in asking her round in the first place.
ditch her. or meet her in public places where she can walk out to her hearts content without upsetting anyone.

I would suggest you go on the stately homes thread OP. I think you would get some good advice there.

Personally i would send her a message telling her that her behaviour was over dramatic and rude and you will be waiting for an apology from her. But i am a bitch and i know you wont do this which is why you mum feels it is ok to behave in such a way - i.e you are afraid of her tantrums.