To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

[Bettyintheburbs]

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

I don't blame you for being upset and angry. You've all had a horrible year too- it doesn't always bring out the best in people, and she went way overboard.

Okay so firstly no normal person would think it a good idea to take a child away from it's parents overnight on christmas eve!

I agree that you should send a message asking for an apology for ruining christmas day. Her reaction was completely ott, and your dad is clearly an enabler.

You're mother has real problems. Has she always been this toxic or is it a recent thing? I'd avoid her as much as possible if it were me.

If you actually said, 'I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up' then YABU.

If you only said something along the lines that you didn't approve of the one she suggested as it was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, then YANBU.

She, however, is BU for flouncing out in the middle of the meal, especially if she does it often.

I'd say it's a great reason to beer spend chistmas day with them again!

beer never

My Mum and Dad once stormed out mid meal shouting "Good riddance!" so I know where you are coming from. I didn't apologise and there was a long period of silence (several weeks a least). Eventually we made our peace but only once everyone had calmed down. As someone said earlier, is she a sensitive type who has tantrums but doesn't seem to mind offending other people? This is my Mum to a tee, gets in a huff so easily, and then gets my Dad to support her in stomping off!!

YANBU op. You're just not. Please don't apologise to her.

Thank you everyone who posted last night. I ended up falling asleep very early but appreciate everyone's thoughts. I didn't make clear what I said as a few have pointed out. The conversation basically took the form of mum making a big thing out of telling DP that I 'didn't allow' her to buy him a lovely hamper from Fortnums and I replied that it was full of things he has to avoid and that was why I'd said no. She said to DP 'I know you really enjoy your food and would have loved to buy you this'. I felt needled and felt she was deliberately making me out to be a depriving person. I said 'why would you want to mention that now?' He said he was very happy with the gifts she had bought him. She then went on about how I 'didn't allow' the hamper, which again seemed an unnecessary dig as she'd asked me fleetingly and I'd said 'no not really suitable'. So, I then said, DP has to watch his cholesterol and she said 'you don't care about my cholesterol' and I explained that DP has a different condition to her, is still under investigations and that I'm very worried about him. Dad then told me I was making a drama of it, she was simultaneously saying to Dad , take me home and I asked them to stay, said we had a pudding steaming and DD's gifts to open and she was flouncing, telling me I'd attacked her and telling DP that she loves us. He was shocked and so was I and then I was so angry last night it was hard to think straight but I do think this was out of order now.

Re wanting DD overnight. They often do this and it has often been a huge help when I've been working. However, on Christmas Eve they took DD out of her cot because they didn't agree with me putng her down for a nap. I feel torn because they are always so willing to help with childcare. It is just the dramas and intrusiveness I don't know how to deal with and feel very distressed by it.

Ah you have an issue, they are not going to change and they are going to use looking after your dd as an excuse to emotionally blackmail you.

I would start looking for a childminder and relegate them to grandparents visits only. These people do sound toxic from what you have written.

I mean how dare they take dd out of her cot and they decide she didn't need a nap, you are her parent and main carer - who do they think they are?

No, you are not being unreasonable.

The pattern of "I am going to offer you something which I am going to dress up as a massive favour, but which will actually seriously inconvenience you and which I know you will refuse - and then I am going to kick up a massive stink when you refuse said favour" is an ongoing issue DW and I have with a certain relative in our household.

In our case, said relative has reasons for behaving like that which are not entirely in their control. So I can't bollock them for doing it, as much as I massively dislike it when they do.

It is very, very difficult behaviour to cope with and I can see that you are upset, and you are not unreasonable for being upset - not at all.

Thanks so much for your support. I've often used other childcare but then mum gives me a hard time, saying nobody will look after DD as well as she does. If she hasn't seen DD for a few days she calls and says she misses her and I end up feeling very guilty. Guess it all came to a head on Christmas Eve. It really helps reading people's answers, thank you.

Please be very very careful she is going to use your DD as a weapon against you (she already is) you seem to be suffering from FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - sign of toxic relationship with your Dad the enabler and your Mum being abusive.

Randommess they do this a lot. If I'm watching her toddle, mum tells me I'm not watching her properly, am allowing her to take risks, she has shouted at me a few times for just letting her run in a safe area, or letting her go up and down stairs. My parents refused to let her in a cot when se sleeps there so she was sleeping in their bed. I bought them a cot after checking colours, size, which one they wanted. It took a year to persuade them and mum saying 'no this one is not comfortable enough for my baby' and now if she sleeps there she still doesn't go in the cot. I don't say anything about this but I was very upset they took her out of the cot. She absolutely adores my parents, asks for them every day and seems very attached to them so I don't want to hurt that bond. I'm angry , have decided I'm not going to apologise but am a bit conflicted about what to do about them in general.

You need some distance and you need to stop letting them parent your child, 2 SHORT visits per week is more than enough for your dd to have a bond with them.

although question why do you want your dd to have such a close relationship with people who are toxic and will ultimately emotionally black mail her they way they do you?

They don't sound good for your baby. No one who undermines a parent is good for the child.

randommess that's a good question. I suppose I keep thinking that its my fault. They've been really good about helping me with her and take her swimming, to a children's farm, lots of lovely things when she is with them, so I'm grateful. They are also incredibly generous with toys, clothes etc which I can't afford to be.

There's always a flip side. There's an expectation I will go in holiday with them which I've done twice this year, but what I wanted was to be home with DP who wasn't able to fly because of his health.

When I tried a bit of distance earlier this year, mum called me, told me I was being cold and distant, lack any capacity for closeness, am superficial and need to spend time with her. So we started spending Wednesday afternoons together which was enjoyable to a degree but I always feel slightly trapped and weirdly guilty or not giving her what she needs.

They're buying you and your baby with stuff and childcare. It would be fine to accept their generosity if it was freely given but it isn't. The pay off is you are expected to tolerate this sort of shit

Make that trade off if you want but be aware that us what you are doing. And the example it sets to your child.

Hmmm yes that's because she's TOXIC and it's all about her, her needs, her wants.

They do those lovely things for your dd because they want to be the centre of her world because they get a kick out of it and because it makes it easier to blackmail you.

I mean what reasonable person guilts you into going on holiday with them instead of staying with their unwell husband that nearly died, it's bonkers. Your dd may lose her dad at a young age, that is who she needs to spend time with!!!

You're so right. I need to do lots of thinking. My finances are entangled with theirs through an inheritance. I wanted to use it to buy a house last year (DP is in the army so we are only together properly at weekends) They then came clean that they'd put the money in a trust. Because I wanted to buy a house that is not near to them, they refused until I see sense. We recently relented as we'd like to buy a home and they will only give me the money to live near them saying it is best for their granddaughter and again making me feel guilty if I voice anything else. However, they let me have interest from the inheritance to pay rent which is currently how we are making a home and long commutes work. I work part time but could work full time and put DD in a nursery. If DP and I get married we could live quite cheaply on the army base and we've talked about doing that. He is in the last stages of a long, drawn out divorce so I can't live with him on the base as we are not married. We've been together for years, his marriage has broken down five years before we met but because he has been deployed so often to places where there aren't good comms, it's delayed the final settlement (as has his STBDW, through no fault of her own, also being away). So I've ended up financially entangled to an uncomfortable degree with my parents, who are extremely wealthy but controlling with it. This mornig DP and I have been talking and decided that we need to forget the inheritance and just start over.

I agree.

Was the money legally left to you? If they have gone against the terms of the will you can still get the money. Could be worth get some advice in the MN legal section if they have gone against the terms of the inheritance.

Your sanity is worth far more though, once his divorce comes through get married and move to MQ and away from them.

That's the plan. Yes it was legally left to me but DF forged my signature and that's how it ended up in trust. I was overseas at the time and he said he'd had to do that to protect me. I felt so stunned he'd done this as it basically left me with nothing in my name ( he also took over some of my savings and assets at the bank) and told me it is for my own good as I'm bad with money. I don't think I am bad with money but I'm frustrated this has happened.

That is fraud!!! Honestly I'd tell them you want your money or you are going to the police and they will never see your dd again. Play them at their own game and get some control and dignity back.

Your father forged your signature?! Get to a lawyer asap!

It's all about your mother isn't it? She sounds like my MIL would be if we didn't deliberately live so far away that she can't inflict herself on us gave her half a chance.