To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

[Bettyintheburbs]

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

Aarrgghh, autocorrect put in an incorrect apostrophe! Sorry...

And of course your DD adores them - they take her to play centres and children's farms and generally spoil her. I can't believe you're letting them dictate to you where you are allowed to live.

I think you and your DP need to sit down and make a plan of action. Where you want to move to, how much money you will need, practicalities etc. Then you tell your parents that you will be needing your money back. When they refuse then you tell them calmly that you will be contacting a solicitor if they don't reconsider.

And going back to the original issue of storming out of the Christmas dinner, I know someone else who goes home in a strop if she doesn't get her way - and she's a very immature 6-year-old neighbour of ours. And it's unacceptable behaviour in her!

I should think you can keep some contact, you just need to make sure you're the one completely in control. And as for the guilt, she's putting that there, all of it. I reckon you'll suddenly see so much more of her behaviour for what it is now, you just need to know ways of dealing with it. Don't doubt yourself and practice saying no, it's one of the most useful words in the world.

they took your money?
They are manipulative, dishonest, immoral people and they are emotionally abusing you.

Your dd's relationship with them sounds unhealthy. I would be very worried that they will manipulate dd and poison her mind against you.

Dear me, my eyes were widening as I read further down this thread.
You poor thing, you are a classic abuse victim - abuse is not just physical- you are suffering emotional and financial abuse. The police come into school to teach Yr 11 to spot the signs in partner rels but this can apply to any relationship.

Most abuse victims will take between 14 to 20 separate episodes of violent abuse before reporting to police but will suffer many instances of emotional abuse beforehand.

You are waaaay past this point and should be taking legal advice re the financial fraud. Your father CANNOT sign on your behalf, he has acted illegally! See if you can find a solicitor who deals in family law and may give the first hour free and tell the EVERYTHING.

I have only read the first page but I think you should have a look at the 'stately homes' thread on the relationships board.

Betty your dh could still be entitled to an army house just because of his parental status, if he has three kids he could be entitled to a three bed house.

Unless his stbxw is still living in his allocated housing?

Sorry about your shit Christmas. I'd definitely get a solicitor to look into the forged signature.

Just read the rest of the thread. You really need to challenge the inheritance issue. It is fraud and needs to be addressed ASAP.

And make sure that your parents pay any penalty fees involved in releasing your trust fund early!

So your parents are spoiling your child and buying her lots of lovely things, which you can't afford to do. Yet they've forged your signature to steal your inheritance to stop you doing the things above.

You need a solicitor & a counsellor in the new year. Use 2013 to get your inheritance back and to get a more even relationship with your parents. At the moment it sounds like you're 10. They're treating you like a child and you're going along with it - for many adult reasons, but towing the line nonetheless (not meaning to be harsh, but only you can change this). Your daughter will pick up on all of the abuse and they'll get to her like they've gotten to you.

I really do wish you all the strength in the world to make some big and no doubt painful steps. But just think where you could be in a year's time :)

So many people use guilt in others to manipulate and get what they they want, and in this case with your parents it seems to be working perfectly. Theres no point in saying things will be different and things will change until you look at the guilt and work on getting rid of it as ultimately things wont change until you do. Good luck!

Thank you. Yes guilt is extremely powerful and it has made me settle for all sorts of things.

Binful you're right, he is in fact already in an FQ at the army base. He lives there with his sons during the week, well in theory anyway. They are at sixth form of boarding school and on a gap year respectively and spend weeknight and school holiday time there, but it's their permanent home for one more year. I can't live there as well as we are not married, so DD and I have a home which I rent, which is close to my parents and close-ish to my work. It does look as if the divorce will take one more meeting to resolve a few loose ends, so it could all be final early in the new year, which would resolve a lot of things for us, not least being able to live together. He can't live with me as the place I rent isn't big enough for his DSs as well, and it takes him at least an hour and a half from me to his work, and at the moment he has an FQ very close to his work.

I'm very grateful to everyone on here as I've realised how much I have allowed myself to be treated like a naughty child and that I need to break out of that. My plan had been to put DD in a nursery for mornings so I have more time to work and not just reliant on my parents for childcare, and they sat me down, said they had discussed it and that they disagree that is best for her. I kept trying to say, she's my child, but they just spoke over me, which is what often happens. It's as if after posting about the stupid hamper debacle last night, everything is just pouring out of me and I feel hugely supported, so just want to thank you all.

They "disagree that it's best for her?"
Well so you respond, "I appreciate your concern but as her parents, it's dp's and my opinion that counts. I've enrolled her at a nursery we love the look of. It's not up for debate."
And do not engage further.

Well ,I'm assuming here, DD is also your DP's child...doesn't he have a say in the matter?? It is not up to your parents, it is up to you and DP. Get HIM to put his foot down, if you find it difficult.
And it does sound like they are treating you like a naughty child, and putting you down at with comments like "You are not good with money". They are controlling you something chronic, in my opinion. Please do not allow yourself to be anymore. It will not be easy, when you have been conditioned to be like that, but if you get guilty feelings try to look at it that it is because you care,but know that you are doing what is right for you and your family, and that is what matters.

Yes she is his child. They undermine him too for instance wouldn't drop her back if just he is home not me, saying that a grandmother can look after her better than he could. He's a fantastic, hands on dad, who is mostly away during the week for his work.

they sound like horrible horrible people. i too am an only child and so i get the guilt thing - and my mother was a super star at it. but yours is just so much worse.

i dont know why you want your child to see someone treat you that way, you wouldn't let a stranger - or a work mate treat you like that - then why should she?

i cut my mum off for a good couple of years. she's dead now - i feel no guilt about the time i cut her off - she was a witch.

You need to stop this right now, I understand it can't be easy but you are doing your partner and your daughter a massive disservice by letting your parents have so much control over all of your lives

My mum has a mother like this and believe me it never ends, my nan is still going strong healthy as a horse and extremely manipulative at age 96. Do you want to spend your whole life like this

If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your daughter

Thank you. All these words have helped. DP and I are at the kitchen table making plans.

Why do parents think they can do this crap? Cut them loose and focus on your own family. I have done at this year and although hard it gets easier and better every day. My mum bullied us our whole lives and it was lovely to see my sister this year lauding and enjoying Xmas like normal people . Life is too short x

My goodness, they sound increasingly awful. I'd suggest you and DP figure out what you want to do with your lives and get on with it without consulting them in any way. Plan it without any reliance on them, and get yourself some stock phrases to respond to them with (bugger off springs to mind). Decide how and when you'd like them to see DD and be strong with it. Be prepared for them to be stroppy pains in the arse when they don't get their way, because they will.

I am assuming you are over 18, if not, then you are stuck for the moment but.....

You really need to talk to a good solicitor as soon as you can. Make sure it is one that is knowledgeable about trusts. There have been a lot of changes in the law regarding trusts of late. Breaking a trust can be expensive and difficult. They will be liable for all the fees etc involved. Do you even know the terms of the trust. Does it mean you will NEVER have the capital? In which case as things stand at the moment, you will NEVER be free of them. Really you need to get on with this immediately. Your solicitor will then be able to tell you if you need to make a report to the police but I think it is very probable. For starters your father is a thief and a crook. Doesn't much matter if he is your mother's front man, but this is completely outrageous.

Why are you living so far away from your DCs father? Who give a flying fuck about the grandparents? Could you not be living closer and living together, so he can see his DC every day? This is madness. You need to stop being a victim in all this and start kicking arse. The legal mechanisms are extremely slow, so your DP will probably be divorced and out of the housing before this all gets resolved. You might find that a letter from your solicitor is enough, but I would be pretty surprised if they take it that seriously.

I have a pretty manipulative SM, and we all left home at 16, well 5 out of 6 of us, and we all live as far away from her as possible. In my case another country. You cannot show your daughter that it is OK to just be powerless. Take back control now, and move the fuck away from them - not less than 90 minutes, is my best advice. No one can reasonably be popping by at that distance, but it is doable in an emergency. Sort out child care and go back to work as much as you want, or do whatever it is you want/need to do.

I'm horrified by how up your parents treat you, blackmailing you on where to live! Wow I've heard some toxic parents tale on MN before but that really os shocking. I would see a solicitor about gaining control of the money and move very very far away.
As much as you feel your DD benefits from her relationship with he grandparents this could easily be at the detriment of your relationship with your DD when she os older and loyalties are split.

I'd also be wondering if you have any inhertance left...

Betty - I've been reading this thread with growing horror. How DARE your parents treat you like this? Your 'D'M has got you in a position where you never dare disagree with her, even for minor things. I can well understand that you don't dare disagree with her over anything major!

Firstly, DO NOT apologise for what happened on Christmas. Let her stew. You have always run to her and apologised whenever she's been upset and that's just wrong. You are grown up, you have every right to have your views and opinions and they do not have to be the same as hers. If she cannot deal with that, then that is her problem, and not yours.

You need to get a LOT of distance between you and them. For starters, you need to sort out alternate childcare. If she wants to look after your DD occasionally then still keep that childcare. She is then not doing you a favour, but you are doing her a favour by allowing her to have your DD and you can stop it at anytime, and you are not left in the lurch if she decides to not have your DD as a 'punishment' to you.

Then there is this inheritance business. This is your money, and clearly the trust is one that can be 'broken' if they are willing and able to give you the money if you do as they want you to (I suspect the trust is one where they have control of the money on your behalf, rather than it being locked away forever). You need to ask for the money, and it is not up to them to put conditions on what you do with the money. If they won't do that, then tell them you will be seeking legal advice if you don't receive the money by 'X' date. If that legal advice means that they are charged with fraud, either civilly or legally, then that is on their own heads. They have chosen to keep your money from you.

All of this will be so very, very difficult for you to deal with, especially having a DP who is away during the week and leaving you unsupported. Please let MN be your support.