Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

183 replies

Bettyintheburbs · 25/12/2012 21:50

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

OP posts:
mrslaughan · 26/12/2012 16:47

Just ignore her - she is behaving like a spoilt brat - god if you daughter behaved like that she would be in huge trouble - I presume.

I can't believe you Dad feeds into it.
Maybe you should plan a lovely holiday abroad next year.

In all seriousness she is not really setting a good example for your daughter....do you get anything positive form the relationship?

Original poster
Bettyintheburbs · 26/12/2012 16:56

Thanks so much everyone. We've got a temporary solution. Friends of ours on the base will have me 'to visit' with DD for up to a month and hopefully that will take us up until the divorce is sorted. I will give a month's notice here and spend the next few weeks packing and working out what needs to go in storage and we will apply for a nursery place on the base and I can up my working hours. I won't allow them to dictate to me any more but know its easier said than done.

OP posts:
mrslaughan · 26/12/2012 16:57

I have just read about the inheritence - I am sorry they are soooo controlling, but did they have a legal right to take that money and put it in trust? If its yours - they had no right to do that - as messy as it is, I would be getting legal advice, to protect yourself, is it really in a trust? Have you seen the trust deed? have you seen the trust bank account with the money in it - or are they just holding it in trust????(a completely different thing)....I know its easier to leave it, but what if its not clear, all tied up with their money, they god forbid they die suddenly, but your mother has had a stropp and changed her will, cut you out...it is not unheard of..............

Holy fuck, just read the rest of your post - that is fraud...they give you the money - our you take them to the police...that is outrageous....

juniperdewdrop · 26/12/2012 17:15

Glad you have it somewhat sorted. You need to sort the money situation out though. Are you sure it's in trust? Get legal advice even if it's from MN.

ViperInTheManger · 26/12/2012 17:26

Well done in taking control back, you cannot let them run your life.

I think you do need to take legal advice re this inheritance. It doesn't matter if you are bad with money, this is your money, not theirs. If they have not invested it but have embezzled it from you, you may really regret not pursuing this if you need it for your family in the future.

Original poster
Bettyintheburbs · 26/12/2012 17:34

Yes it's in a trust. I inherit the capital if they die. I was told about it but I don't really understand it. I had money and savings but they've been 'merged' (not sure of right terminology) into the trust without my consent. I live so far from DP as he is often in different places & I'm in the area I was in before we met. Neither of us expected his divorce to take so long, not for him to be so ill this year so we've ended up in limbo longer than we'd hoped.

OP posts:
cornystollenslave · 26/12/2012 18:05

Betty I think you really need to get a solicitor to sort out your inheritance.
Once they realise that you are standing up to them and limiting access to dd by moving away things could turn nasty.

LittleBairn · 26/12/2012 18:13

betty for the love of god your child is being raised apart from her father, you have a part time relationship all because your parents have committed fraud!
Find your back bone and hire a solicitor get your money back! Even if you can live without it your parents need to be taught a lesson!

If there is anyway to have the trust reversed back into your control then I would give them an ultimatum hand it back or you will get the law involved to gain control and they will never see DD again.
Get your money back, get some councling and start putting some emotional and real distance between you and them.

LittleBairn · 26/12/2012 18:17

forgot to add I speak as someone who's husband ended up with a really protected divorce and settlement it can put such a strain on your relationship/marriage.
DH and I have been married 4 years his only just managed to detangle his finances from his Ex wife. The relief was immense but not half as immense as all his extended family recently cutting her out of their lives ( I actually had to go to them and tell them they cut ties with me or her ) DH and I finally feel free of her.

gimmecakeandcandy · 26/12/2012 19:19

Are you going to sort the money thing?! I am aghast at your shitty shitty parents. If not for anything else, spare your dd their toxic behaviour. Why oh why have you let then have so much influence over her? Don't you realise they will damage her and probably feed her negativity about you?

They are not good for any of you. You need to demand your money now or say you will go to the police.

Please spare yourselves any more toxic behaviour and stand up to them.

RandomMess · 26/12/2012 19:23

Honestly I want to throttle your parents on your behalf. Please understand they have deliberately stolen from you in order to control and manipulate you. I am absolutely steaming & fuming, speak to a few specialist solicitors I'm sure they will agree to take the bulk of any payment from the inheritance once you have it.

Fishandjam · 26/12/2012 19:38

wallypops, you probably know more about trust law than I do but I seem to recall that trusts are a creature of equity, and one must always go to equity with clean hands. Forging a signature is as dirty as you can get, surely?

CaptChaos · 26/12/2012 19:40

Betty I, like other have read this thread with a growing sense of horror. Just from your posts you have told us what your mother thinks of you. She thinks you are:

A bad mother
A talentless person
Useless with money
Incapable of making any sort of life choice or decision without reference to her

she sees your DP as someone who shouldn't be left on his own with your DD.

If you can't see how abusive this is towards you, then try and step back and imagine how you would feel if this was happening to a friend. What would be your advice to that friend?

My advice (to echo PP) is, get a lawyer to look at the trust, you should have been given copies of the trust documents if they are in your name, you also need to get a different lawyer to look at your options with regard to protecting your future assets from your father's sticky fingers. In the meantime, get the fuck out of dodge. For the time being, change your mobile number and don't pass on your new address to your parents until you have something more permanent sorted, I also would not tell them where your DD is at nursery, and let the nursery know that for now, you are expressly forbidding contact with your parents.

Be ready for your mother to have a 'funny turn' and for you to have been the cause of it, which seems to be the next escalation of abusive mother syndrome. The guilt will be crippling, but with support and a good counselor, you can get through it all.

GrendelsMum · 26/12/2012 19:49

Your parents are nutters, and have - I suspect - not only taken your money, but have not even done it sensibly. From what you say, you had an easy to access cash cushion for use when necessary (e.g. renting house, buying, etc) which they have taken and put in a non-accessible place. Which sounds like they may even have gone out of their way to put you in a situation where, if you need a large sum of cash, you have to ask them for it, allowing them to tell you you are bad with money.

I wonder whether you actually need to talk to an accountant as well as a solicitor and counsellor? Perhaps there are some financial advisors around who could advise?

I do agree that you should think about warning the nursery that your parents will come and try to take her away, and that they shouldn't allow this.

And I'd happily put money on CaptChaos' suggestion that your mother will have a funny turn caused by the stress of Christmas / not seeing your daughter. It will be in about 3 weeks time, once she's realised things have changed.

JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 19:51

Betty if I were in your shoes (knowing roughly fuck all about trust funds, right), I'd at least seek advice on where I stand with it all. You don't have to act but at least know what your options are and whether the forged signature is going to cause problems for you in the future.

RandomMess · 26/12/2012 19:56

How much was the inheritance? Enough to buy a house/significant deposit?

BerthaTheMangerBurglar · 26/12/2012 19:57

When you get your dd in a nursery, make sure they have photos of your parents and know that dd must NEVER be collected by them.

And oh yes, wait for that call to say that one or other of your parents is really ill and you must rush over ...

JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 19:57

Though when I say you don't have to act, I think you probably should. They are going to flip, as others have said, and will use the whole money situation to try and regain control over you.

Fairyegg · 26/12/2012 20:04

Please see a solicitor ASAP, some give a free half hour, or maybe post over in legal? Can you prove that you were out of the country when your df forged your signature? They have all control over yours, and therefore your dds, money. This is wrong on so many levels. I would speak to a solicitor before approaching them about it as they may be able to control the money in such a way you and your dd will never see it if you let on your seeking legal advise. If you can't fight for it yourself, fight for it for your dd. it's madness that you are struggling to buy her nice clothes, trips to the farm etc when they are sitting on your money do all the 'nice things' poisoning her mind.

gimmecakeandcandy · 26/12/2012 20:22

I agree they are poisoning your dd's mind. Please - if not for any other reason - put an end to this rot for your daughter. You must.

wallypops · 26/12/2012 20:26

Fish - a trust means trustees, normally two. Ideally this should be a firm of solicitors or accountants and a person (non-family) who administer the trust. It should never IMHO be a family member - too close and too much emotional and financial blackmail available.

With a forged signature the whole thing is totally illegal. But, how you prove that I have no idea. I would suggest trying to get some advice from someone who knows more about trust law and is in the UK, but you really do need to see someone who knows their stuff. I would have thought that the original signature might have had to be witnessed as well.

You could start off with any old solicitor who would be able to tell you where to go next. You also need to get a will done while you are about it. Presumably it should be relatively simple to prove you were out of the country at the time - with credit card receipts etc.

Is it possible that the parents are just claiming to have done this? It seems incredibly stupid of them. They should end up in prison for this quite frankly and it is a definite possibility, I would have thought, and something that I would personally be pushing for if I were a solicitor.

Original poster
Bettyintheburbs · 26/12/2012 21:01

Thanks all for your posts and support. I feel a bit wrung out to be honest after a very strange Christmas and lots of talking with DP. It feels about enough for today to have made plans for where to live and that we'll get married as soon as we can. Harder (emotionally) to decide about how to tackle the money issue. Yes, I know I need to sort it out but also need to do this one step at a time or I will lose my nerve. I'm feeling very guilty and anxious, both irrational, I know, but it's how I feel. I'm happy to have a plan for moving and 2013 is going to be a brilliant year.

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 21:20

You've been a bit bombarded with it all haven't you. Sounds like you know what you need to achieve, but one step at a time sounds sensible Wine

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 26/12/2012 22:06

one step at a time, you will find the right way. your dp is supporting you and you will be better together once you find your way with your parents. take control for yourself and good luck... be happy.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 26/12/2012 22:51

As well as speaking to a solicitor about the trust, make sure that you get a copy of the will that left you the money to see what the actual terms were.

Swipe left for the next trending thread