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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

183 replies

Bettyintheburbs · 25/12/2012 21:50

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

OP posts:
HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 26/12/2012 08:43

YANBU - glad you and dp have made that decision.

MagicHouse · 26/12/2012 08:46

That's shocking (about the money). Does it ever become yours from the trust? If he forged your signature and you were overseas that can easily be proven surely. I would be saying that you're going to report it, (even if you don't) and that you have evidence thta you were overseas at the time (passport stamps/ use of visa cards etc).Even if your only reason for saying it is to scare them into releasing it for you.
Failing that, then your decision to forget the inheritance and move on is a really good one. You sound absolutely embroiled in it, whereas from the outside it seems really clear that you need to distance yourself from your parents, however hard that feels.

RandomMess · 26/12/2012 08:48

They are denying your dd a stable home of her own in an area where you are happy etc

Geez what nasty people they really are, perhaps you never got the opportunity to get good with money because they were too busy controlling every aspect of your life...

tallwivglasses · 26/12/2012 08:49

Shock this gets worse and worse. I'd be wary of allowing dd to spend any time with such poisonous people. Get some legal advice and some counselling.

Astelia · 26/12/2012 08:55

That is fraud!!! Honestly I'd tell them you want your money or you are going to the police and they will never see your dd again. Play them at their own game and get some control and dignity back.

^^ I second RandomMess' comment.

EnjoyResponsibly · 26/12/2012 09:09

Hampers suck. They have one or two glamourously bits, then a whole raft of horrid jams, chutneys and dry biscuits.

YourHandInMyHand · 26/12/2012 09:18

Oh my god they sound terrible!! Shock Angry

I think you need to seriously review the relationship you and your DD have with your parents. Her seeing them so often is actually not good for her. Pull them up on the money thing. Tell them you want it transferred or you will contact the bank about them faking your signature - that's fraud!!

I think you should move away from them. A bit of distance will do you the world of good. If that means forking out for childcare I'd still do it. I think if you were seeing them less often you would see your relationship for what it is - extremely toxic.

EnjoyResponsibly · 26/12/2012 09:29

Oops, hamper content pales in comparison to fraud. Sorry OP.

DorisIsWaiting · 26/12/2012 09:31

You need to use this time wisely.

Think about getting some counseling to help you work through the guilt and fear of your parents.

Many many posters on this thread can see that this is not normal behaviour but VERY controling and unpleasant.

Take to a solicitor about how YOU can get access to the money THAT IS YOURS! Then use it to free yourself from their grasp have a relationship on your terms, if they are not happy with that then step back for a while. Just because your mother tells you something about you does not mean it is true. She controls and manipulates you.

Personally I would be seriuously looking at their relationship with your DD she is young enough not to have any lasting impact atm, but what happens when they start on her too and have her living in fear of displeasing them too.

What would be the worst thing they could do if you said no?

Original poster
Bettyintheburbs · 26/12/2012 09:49

I'm scared of upsetting them. It sounds strange but I feels very punished if I upset them and have often thought its me in the wrong. It was so reassuring that so many people on here thought they were out of order to leave. I am an only child and just used to thinking this is how it is.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2012 09:52

This is the FOG they use to control you, Fear of upsetting them, Obligation to do and believe what they say, Guilt if you do any of the former - upset, question, don't do as they say.

Somebodysomewhere · 26/12/2012 10:05

Honestly you need some counseling to help you deal with the way your mum makes you feel. She is abusive.

And please do take legal advice about them stealing your money.

CaHoHoHootz · 26/12/2012 10:10
Shock

......your parents sound awful, I am not sure I would want my DD around them. They forged your signature! Do they know that you know that they did that?

CaHoHoHootz · 26/12/2012 10:13

I also wonder if the fact that they are so wealthy is effecting how you deal with them. Even though I am sure you know that healthy relationships are much more important than money I would understand if it clouds your decisions to some extent.

LiveItUp · 26/12/2012 10:14

You need to break away. Think - if they tell your DP you won't allow them to buy him something they think he wants (the hamper), they will be feeding all sorts to your DD too along the lines of Mummy won't let you have this, or cant afford to do that etc etc, but of course we will as we're so much better than mummy. They certainly won't be being positive about you to her.

She's your DD. Break away with your DP and DD and build your own beautiful family. As far away from them as you can. And DD should only have supervised visits, and only once your DM can respect you and your parenting.

FlimFlamMerrilyOnHigh · 26/12/2012 10:24

it basically left me with nothing in my name ( he also took over some of my savings and assets at the bank)
Shock Shock Shock

They have fraudulently acquired your money! Not just putting an inheritance into trust which is supposedly for your own good, but stolen your savings? Bloody hell. Aside from all the emotional controlling stuff, this is just appalling. You need to start laying down the law with them.

Veritate · 26/12/2012 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/12/2012 10:32

No wonder they're wealthy- they've nicked your money! Shock

Before when I'd only read about the hamper business I'd have said "ffs tell them when they grow up they can spend time with your DD" Now I'm thinking "call the police on these controlling freaks and don't ever let your DD near them. You'd just be continuing the cycle of controlling behaviour".

Make 2013 the year you get away from all this!

Xales · 26/12/2012 10:33

You need these people out of your life. You have gone on about your mother and then dropped in that your dad has committed criminal acts and defrauded you.

Go to the police. Get this overturned and get your money back.

Do you honestly think when your DD is older and her her own mind and opinion they will still be nice or will just treat her as badly?

Make 2013 the year this ends for her.

Xales · 26/12/2012 10:34

X post with desperately

clam · 26/12/2012 10:36

"She absolutely adores my parents, asks for them every day and seems very attached to them"

That's EXACTLY why you need to break away. Not to mention them undermining you, controlling you and stealing your inheritance.

AuntieMaggie · 26/12/2012 10:37

Betty this is not normal and you don't deserve to be treated like this. There is lots of really good advice here please take it and focus on your little family.

JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 11:14

I totally agree with everyone, you need some distance from both of them (emotionally and geographically) and a solicitor! This will only get worse if you don't do anything.

Original poster
Bettyintheburbs · 26/12/2012 11:18

Thanks so much everyone. I am listening and will take your advice. Have been talking to DP too. I haven't got it in me to cut them off completely, not because of the money, I truly don't care about it except for what they have taken from me, but because the guilt is horrible. I will limit contact though and weather the storms. Mum walking off yesterday has actually done me a favour as if I hadn't posted about the hamper I'd never have had your collective good advice. Thank you MNers, hugs to everyone who has spent part of their Boxing Day morning sending me good advice.

OP posts:
Fishandjam · 26/12/2012 11:25

Betty, you know you have to do something, don't you? I totally understand the feelings of fear and guilt about rocking the boat. Our first emotional bond is forged with our mother's and bloody hell it is a difficult one to reforge or break. (And emotionally abusive parents do a really good number on us in the guilt trip stakes!) But the old saying is very true in this situation: if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Speak to a solicitor (or the police) about their fraudulent appropriation of your money. And put plenty of distance between yourself, your DD and them. (Reach for your inner mother lioness - don't let them manipulate your DD and her feelings.)

It will take courage and strength, but you need to stop this before things get worse.