To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

[Bettyintheburbs]

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

Before your parents are aware of any goings on :

Declare your passports stolen - get new ones. Gather as much palerwork as you can -can you get access to their home while they are at work? Eg could you and dd stay over so you can snoop a little? Get copies of any statements etc anything that might help a solicitor.

Get the workings of a solicitor in motion re money.

Get things moved to partners asap in secret.

Before your parents are aware that you are up to anything get as much in place as possible as they know their stuff and will bite back as soon as they know.

Do not be scared to involve police if they have committed a crime.

I don't know if you hope to salvage a relationship with them but I would expect to not have one personally once you make your move - so seek counselling while this is going on as you will open giant cans of emotional worms and your parents have all sorts of tricks up their sleeves (they've had your whole life to practice).

Ps it is probably healthier for your dd not to have contact with them - if they treated you like this why would they treat her any different - defend her against them.

You say this is too much to deal with at once, but maybe you can delegate the money side of things to a solicitor? See if womens aid in your area can recommend someone who's used to dealing with abuse survivors? Because that's what you are. You've been emotionally and financially abused by these people for a long time - and do you really want your daughter to be exposed to that as well?

Well done for coming this far. I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing I could do more to help you

I am at this thread. Good luck op!

Just back from a much lovelier day with DP's sister and brother and a relaxing walk. Thanks for all the supportive messages, am quite overwhelmed by all the kindness and wisdom on here, you gems. Am about to put DD to bed and then have a peaceful evening. I haven't heard anything from my DM, usually she texts several times a day or calls and I feel a bit bad not apologising. She had asked to have DD at the end of this week ie tomorrow but I'm going away for a few days with DD and DP, we've decided we need a break and some time alone.

Your big post (Thu 27-Dec-12 08:24:11) is very clear - I would suggest printing that off and taking it to a lawyer.

You can stop their access to your bank accounts - go and see your bank for advice. If it's easier, just switch to a different bank - FirstDirect are very good and will move all your direct debits etc :)

Still think and hope to think long term about cutting access right back with regards to your daughter and I hope you sort your money out.

Please please contact the police - do something

Please get yourself and your dd away from these toxic and dangerous people

I really hope you listen and act - I really do

Glad you've had a nice day out and have the weekend planned away. I'm sure you'll chat more with your DP about all of this, I'd be very honest about everything as you're going to need his support and help to stay strong through all of this. And don't feel you have to apologise, they're at fault here! Don't forget that.

"My mum had a pacemaker fitted this year and has been touchy ever since". Was she not like this before? Your DP nearly died in April of a Pulmonary Embolism. BIL died of cancer 6 weeks after your mum's op. Is BIL your DP's brother?

Your mother should be keeping calm but could be that she has had to share the sympathy in the family traumas, or that she feels all this death and near deaths has overwhelmed her. Have you spoken to your dad about her behaviour?

digerd, have you read the rest of thread? You may wellbe right, however if you read the OP's other posts you'll see there's much more serious stuff going on here.

It is illegal to hold someone else's passport - an adults, your parents are criminals, they are abusing you.... Why would you want your daughter involved with people like this.
I am very sorry - but you need to open your own bank account, you need too get legal advise, if you want to sort it yourself (ie not involve you Dp ) that is your choice - but he may wonder why you have excluded him.
Your parents are bully's - put them at arms length - get someone else to serve them notice that they new to hand over everything that belongs to you, money passports etc - it is not going to be easy, I would say you will need a forensic accountant, to work out what is yours and what you are owed. Once you have everything that is yours and are in control of you life you can decide what sort of relationship you want with them - but you need to get this sorted for you dd's sake - it is her financial future too.

I feel a bit bad not apologising

You have nothing to apologise for! Keep reminding yourself of that. Hope you can begin to sort this whole situation out. I would start with the bank accounts, and setting up your own, then the passport situation. You will be entitled to a free half hour's advice at most solicitors, so I would book a time if I were you, and write the main points down that you want to talk about. (You can get several half hours if you go to different solicitors!)

Interesting that your mother hasn't called. She will probably be shocked when she realises you have gone away. Have a really good break. Sounds like you have made lots of first steps towards changing things.

Thanks everyone. Digerd she has not walked out in this way or been so weird before the pacemaker was fitted. She's always been good at making me feel responsible for her and making me feel guilty but I hadn't really realised how controlling it is before the responses on this thread.

I am staggered at what they have been up to.
Please don't apologise for anything, don't even contact them!
Take heed of the advice on here, so much of it is good. I agree that you should get as much in place as you can without them realising - take legal advice before confronting them.
Also make sure your DP gets cracking with his divorce - that sounds like it might be the easiest thing to sort out!
I hope 2013 is a MUCH better year for you.

You really, really, need a good lawyer.

Cancel your passports

Get a lawyer.

Good luck!

She has, however been abusing you in far more serious ways, financially and emotionally. So what if she is showing her disregard of you in more petty ways. She has never considered you as a worthwhile being in your own right, only how she can use you to further her own selfish existence.
I'm sorry if that hurts, but you need to understand that these people do not (and never have) wanted the best for you. You are only worth anything to them as a means to feather their own nest!

Another one here who can't believe how they have treated you. The passport thing is staggering.

I think new accounts and new passports are the first things you should do. Then you need to extricate your money from your parents. Try to get them to do this without involving a solicitor first- tell them that if they don't act fast you will get a solicitor involved. And that solicitor may well involve the Police.

Then it is up to them. They can sort it all out and get your money to you and then maybe you will be able to continue a relationship with them. Or they are difficult and you do have to get a solicitor and they lose you and DD from their lives.

Betty, mostly I just want to say I am so sorry you are faced with this. It is jaw-droppingly awful.

It is hard enough to break free from an abusive partner - a relationship you at least enter willingly: it must be so much harder to free yourself from abusive parents, and a relationship you have been in all your life.

It is going to be hard. When you find it difficult, please don't think that that is because you are inadequate in any way. It feels hard because it is hard, not because you are weak or doing something wrong.

You are getting good practical advice here. I agree you should change your bank account and get your wages and any other income paid into the new one, report your current passports lost and get new ones, and get legal advice about the trust fund.

Remember you can get legal advice from a solicitor without necessarily taking action against your parents. It may feel like a step too far to involve the police - but you can talk to a lawyer to find out what your option are, and you do not have to make any decisions about police action or anything else unless/until you are ready.

By the way, you say you don't understand how trust funds work, so I just want to emphasise that nor do most people! Your parents have told you you're not 'good with money' and you have believed this myth - but it's not a reflection on you - I reckon 95% of people would struggle to understand how they work!

I also agree that your mum and dad are quite likely to 'fight dirty' when they realise you are going to break free. Be prepared for all sorts of dirty tricks.

Please get yourself some counselling - you can ask your GP to refer you - because I think you are going to have a lot of very difficult emotions to deal with.

And last but not least, I wish you joy with your daughter and partner - I hope things go really well for you in that respect at least. :)

Just a big thank you to everyone who has posted and PM'd me.

Oh. My. God.

Just read your further post about money/property/passports!

I think getting new passports and opening a brand new bank account with a different high street bank to the one you're currently at is a good idea.

Perhaps if you called women's aid they would be able to recommend a good local solicitor who has experience in financial abuse and controlling relationships. They may also be able to recommend a local counselling service.

Glad to hear you are going away for a short break with your partner and your DD. Hold off on seeing them for as long as you can. Is there anything you can do in the short immediate term for childcare?

Maybe post in Legal as someone there may be able to point you in the direction of specialist advice.