To be upset and angry that my parents walked out of Christmas Dinner

[Bettyintheburbs]

So we were having Christmas Dinner, my parents, my DP, DD and me, at my place after spending Christmas Eve at my parents. It's been a tough year. My DP had a massive pulmonary embolism and nearly died in April, mum has had to have a pacemaker fitted and has been very touchy since, BIL got cancer and died six weeks later, DP's XDW took their sons abroad without discussing it for Christmas so lots of high emotion.

We were eating and mum said to DP, I really wanted to buy you a hamper from Fortnums but Betty said you couldn't have one so I didn't get one. I explained that I didn't approve of the one she suggested as t was full of Stilton etc that DP can't have, that I feel I'm the only one looking out for his health and I didn't think it was great of her to bring it up. She accused me of attacking her and asked my dad to take her home. They left mid meal, after accusing me of making dramas, with a bemused DP who thought they were totally over reacting. I was very embarrassed that they did this but am now just furious and sad.

That's great that you have made plans to move. Keep your nerve. I would also be prepared for a barrage of guilt to be thrown your way. Just keep telling yourself that living with your DP where YOU want to live, making plans with him about nursery etc for her is NORMAL. Their over-involvement is not. Remind yourselves they have stolen your savings if you feel yourself wavering. I would also hang onto the fact that you are doing this both for you and your DD - she deserves to be removed from their influence. (I know you say she loves them, but if you resolve this, she can still see them for a couple of hours at a time - with you and your DP there. Again this is NORMAL! My DC are extremely close to their GPs, but rarely see them without me there too.)

I would meet your parents with a third party present (eg your DP, or a friend) the next few times you meet up. Feeling anxious about it is not irrational, you are on the verge of making huge changes. However you have nothing to feel guilty about.

i beleive you can get a copy of the original will from erm well somewhere so that could be a first baby step. Post in legal on here and someone will be able to tell you, I wonder if trusts have to be registered somewhere too.

Again, big thanks to everyone on MN who has taken the time and trouble to post. I really do appreciate every message and have been thinking a lot. I've ordered some books on toxic parents from Amazon, am trying to just 'notice' guilty feelings and not act on them and am thinking of starting a new fred for support as this has evolved (I'm glad) into much more than the AIBU that I originally posted on Christmas Day.

I'm in a mode of thinking of immediate practicalities, i.e. packing, moving, where we will put furniture, how soon I can get a nursery place etc etc but also very aware of needing to sort out the legal aspects and my money.

The finances are extremely complex and not helped by me not really getting it. In essence, I inherited by grandmother's house when I was 17. She wanted me to have it as she didn't trust her only child (my DM) not to sell it. It had been in the family a long time. She died when I was 17, I was doing my A Levels, I did them, then flew to where she lived (abroad), sorted out the house, including food rotten in fridge, etc, made it lovely, then a few weeks later, six weeks short of my 18th birthday, my parents came and sold the house without discussing it with me, saying it was best. They continue to maintain this was legal. They bought a flat in the UK outright with the money, and I felt I had no choice but to study close to this flat, which was also close to their home, and live there. It was a lovely place but I felt guilty as it wasn't what my grandmother wanted and I found them very intrusive when I was at uni, turning up at any time, calling a lot, having a key, I had no privacy. I had a mental breakdown at uni and ended up in hospital for nearly a year, got on with it, passed my exams and always had a sense I am letting them down.

I also moved out of the flat as I didn't want it but wanted to rent it out and keep as an investment. They agreed. Then, they renovated the felt when I was doing my finals, kept it from me, later sold it, bought investment properties with it and when, and only when, I agreed to live in an area close to them, they gave some of the money back. I bought a house, which I rented out while working overseas for several years. When I came back, I wanted to live in the house, only to find my dad had sold it to himself by forging my signature, put the money in trust and done the same with savings and rental income I had. I was pg (not an excuse, I know, but I didn't want to get upset) and thought it would be sorted out as he said it was just temporary (he is certified accountant and mum is a tax lawyer so I have trusted them with these things, more fool me) but when I wanted to buy a house again, he said he couldn't see the logic in what I was doing and he would allow me to have the interest to rent. He also basically refused to give me the money unless I chose an area close to them. I am not in their first choice area i.e. down the road, but I am 20 mins away from them. I don't really understand what's happened with money, as I always hand it over to them to 'look after' but have hated having to ask every time I want to do something. DP and I cannot go on holiday as they tell me I can't afford it, but I have been away three times this year with them, didn't want to go on each occasion but am afraid of their reaction.

I feel really pathetic admitting how entangled and messy it is. In my heart of hearts I knew this wasn't good, and even DP doesn't know how it is. I don't have my own or DD's passport, they lock them in their safe so we can't go away without going and basically asking and explaining why we are going anywhere. It sounds crazy, I know, but I have also been scared as I don't have a single bank account he is not a signatory on and sees every transaction I make, and often has a go at me. I am not overdrawn or in debt, live within my means but increasingly feel this isn't on.

I don't know where I'd start with a solicitor. The inheritance was over ten years ago in another country, what's happened since is so complex I can't get my head around it and involves trusts, tax havens, offshore companies, it just makes me feel baffled and stunned.

I have the potential to be a good earner but have recently been stymied as I cannot organise other childcare without them knowing as they see every transaction in and out of my bank account. I know if I told DP this he would help but I am afraid of being dependent on someone else. I don't even know if I can open my own bank account without them finding out and feel near paranoid thinking about it.

But as I have said before, one step at a time, I am going to get there and it is thanks to all of you.

We're going to visit DP's DS today, her husband has just been diagnosed with cancer (another one, what IS this?) and so they spent Boxing Day in hospital, we had planned to be with them, poor things. Will drive down soon and most likely be off the internet today, but you have all helped me more than you can imagine, just by giving me a wake-up call. Thank you.

How utterly horrendous, and how utterly vile and nasty of them.

Your first step is to open a bank account in your own name and get your wages paid in there once that has happened ie the day your wages go into YOUR account withdraw all the money from the other accounts if there are large sums you may have to arrange this in advance. You won't be able to close the accounts without your fathers agreement but you can sign them over to him I believe so any debt he builds up (me suspicious or what) you will not be liable for. TAlk to the banks/building societies etc to find out what you can do to get your money out and your name off the accounts.

Huge hugs, they are nasty nasty nasty people who stole your grandmothers house off you - sounds like she had the sum of them hence left it to you in the first place.

I really think you need to find a specialist solicitor and ask for their help, it does sound as though you have no choice but to go to the police ultimately though. In your favour it will get your father struck off from being an accountant which is a powerful thing to have over him, that and access to your dd - perhaps you can use that to detangle yourself from them.

Not surprised you had a breakdown and yes their wealth seems to have mostly come from YOUR inheritance.

I am staggered beyond staggered! I can understand how difficult this must be, you are going to go up against people that are obviously extremely intelligent in their particular field ie money and have made you extremely reliable upon them.

I think you need to tell your partner. Explain it all to him as you have to us (or show him this thread). He will be your support and keep you strong because if you go to a solicitor, which I would strongly advise, then this is going to get messy. What they have done is fraudulent and they have clearly used you.

I am so angry on your behalf. I hope they get what is coming to them and you get what you deserve after all this time.

OMG.

I think that you must must MUST disentangle yourself from them. And I often feel that parents can be labelled toxic too easily. In this case - bloody hell! Noting they have done or are doing appears to be in your interest. It's all about them and about control.

Could you use your lack of knowledge about the financial ins and outs to your advantage? Go to a solicitor and get heaps of advice and informations. Say to your parents that you went to a solicitor in advance of your marriage and to sort out wills and stuff with your dp. And that of course you mentioned your inheritance as being relevant to the issue of wills and the solicitor has told you that the situation seems rather irregular with regards to the trust, the forged signatures and so on. and that of course your parents must surely have acted in your best interest at the time, but that times have changed and you now need complete autonomy in financial terms.

With regard to the passports, I would ask for them back. If they refuse, then you have the option of either reporting them to the police for theft (I'm nt related to them, that's what I would do, but I'm not related to them) or to apply for replacements, saying that they are lost.

I am angry on your behalf. So so angry.

Pooka has some very good ideas

Yep new accounts new passports

These people are dangerous, controlling, abusive, thieving bastards.

They have stolen all your money and keep you financially dependent on them.

You need to get away from them and get your daughter away from them permanently.

Start by reporting your passports stolen (they have been if they are in a safe you can't access) and getting replacements.

You need counselling, I think, to see how wrong all this is.

And a solicitor to reclaim your property from these thieves.

I have very little to chip in except to say: escaping any kind of abusive relationship is hard, but I can't tell you the relief you feel once you've decided you ARE strong enough after all, and get free. I left a very controlling ex-p who did some similar things (kept all my money in his account, had my passport etc) a few years ago. I literally ran in the middle of the night and have now, after a few years, a wonderful DH and my own life, never felt more certain of my strength or self worth.

Fwiw: I got a new passport relatively easily by taking my birth cert to the passport office and telling them mine had been lost. Once I had a new passport I could open new accounts etc and get away completely. Could you do this maybe?

It's not quite the same leaving an abusive partner as parent - I think I knew somewhere that I'd chosen to be with Ex-p so I could choose to leave. But even though you didn't choose your m and f, you CAN still choose to leave or control this relationship. You are an educated woman, a mother yourself, a partner and tbh you sound incredibly strong to have coped with all this and got a degree, maintained your relationship with your DP despite distance, early motherhood (by no means easy) and his illness. And can I say: YOU have achieved all this and have done so DESPITE them, NOT because of them (as they may have told you). You sound very strong, and very brave, and you and dp together as equals can build the life you want to have. Stay strong, and keep being a good mother by protecting your dd from this.

even though its non-mumsnet to do so. Keep strong.

Cross post w/Pooka re the passports. I'm pretty certain you can open new accounts and get new passports without your father finding out. If he's not a signatory or power of attorney over you then why would he need to know, and I'd be very angry at any bank which broke confidentiality and told him anything. Go to a whole new bank, and expressly tell then NOT to speak to anyone else especially your parents about your financial affairs.

Please, seek advice about the money. If your dad forged your signature, he will be in big trouble if found out. This is to your advantage. Ultimately you can threaten to get the police involved. Don't listen to your parents if they try to put you off by saying the police won't care / be able to proove it: what they'd be really saying is "please don't tell the police, we're scared we'll get in trouble"

Your parents have committed fraud and manipulated this situation to their advantage at considerable cost to you. It's time you got some professionals on your side to help you to start fighting back.

It may seem like a complicated mess, but if your dad has done something as stupid as forging your signature, he's left himself open to severe consequences. They are probably so used to you going along with their wishes that this will help you if you fight back. I suspect their web of deceipt might not stand up well to the scrutiny of a professional / the police.

What an awfuol situation to be in. Unmumsnetty (((((hugs)))))

Fucking hell! They really have got one fucked up idea of good parenting. I too would declare the passports lost, or even just tell the truth to the Passport Office or Police and see if it's possible to bar them from taking your DD abroad alone. With their notion that they're better parents to her than you are, I wouldn't put it past them (I don't mean to scare you but the thought had already crossed my mind that they'd try to displace you as her parents even before you mentioned the passports).

Betty Your post has taken me back to my late teens & early 20's when the catalogue if things my parents did (stealing inheritance, blackmail over legal issue etc) pale into insignificance to the issues you are facing.

However, I got counselling, cut myself off - yep I was skint, but everything I have now - friends, money, DH & my beautiful DS feels so much sweeter for having done it myself.

Keep writing those plans, they are your dreams.

Oh dear!!!!!!!! hope all has calmed

someone has to have a massive xmas fight, looks like it was u this year :-)

xx

Fucking hell! They really have got one fucked up idea of good parenting. I too would declare the passports lost, or even just tell the truth to the Passport Office or Police and see if it's possible to bar them from taking your DD abroad alone. With their notion that they're better parents to her than you are, I wouldn't put it past them (I don't mean to scare you but the thought had already crossed my mind that they are trying to displace you as her parents even before you mentioned the passports).

shit read latest post

this is AWFUL

so sorry, get legal advice xxx

and get ur bloody passports back too

How old are your parents?

Who is the beneficiary of the trust? You?

Can you prove that your father forged your signature (e.g. were you abroad at the time?)?

Maybe repost some of this in Legal.

Your latest post has made me so, so angry. How fucking dare they. Please, please speak to a solicitor - the Legal discussion boards can help you find an appropriate one. If you're stuck for fees (don't want your dad to see it on your bank account) PM and I'll send you a contribution. Other MNers probably would too.

Have just read this entire thread with my jaw falling closer to the floor with every one of your posts. You are a grown woman and they have complete financial control over you. I am truly horrified and hope you can take on board all advice given here.

To add a small part myself, when you open a new account or deal with any existing stuff, add an additional password to the security questions. Your parents will know all the usual stuff- mothers maiden name, listing of direct debits etc. so they can call up pretending to be you otherwise. It happened with a friend a few years ago and she was able to do this when she told them that her mother was accessing her account.

I'd also get a copy of your credit file from Experian/Equifax AFTER you've had your post redirected.

I'm so sorry you have such bad abusive parents. Please protect your DD from them. Your grandmother must be turning in her grave. She knew her DD so well, and tried to protect herself from them.
You owe it to your DD, your Dp and to your deceased GM to get the situation resolved legally.
I hope you find good legal help and find the strength to get back what's yours financially and also the self esteem they have robbed you of.
They cannot do any of this without your permission so withdraw that permission now, or your DD will be next!
.......and how very dare they spoil your xmas dinner.

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you,

From my own experience, I would really recommend finding a counsellor with whom you can work through some of these things. It seems you've had a really terrible time with two parents who are quite disturbed, to say the least.

Even if you decide to let your inheritance go - I'm afraid your gran probably should have tied it up tighter if she knew what your parents were like - then you do need to make sure that your parents have no way of getting their hands on any of your earnings or benefits from now on. New passports and new bank account with additional security details sound like a good start.

I know you said up-thread you'd like to keep contact going with them so your DD can still know and love her GPs, but if you feel you need a complete break from them, for whatever lenght of time, then just do it. A happy, confident, independant mother is worth so so much more.

Just a couple of my thoughts - what would your grandmother want you to do? If she would have fought them tooth and nail to get what is rightly yours, then so should you.

If you challenge your father before you get legal advice, would he react by destroying any evidence that proves the money is yours? Have you got any proof in your possession?

If you managed to recover the money from your parents, please don't then put it into joint ventures with your soon to be OH - I fear that the control would then have gone from one man to another - but that maybe just me being ultra cautious.

This is truly staggering. I sincerely hope you get things sorted quickly. Don't fret too much about your DD knowing her Grandparents, as I believe they would soon get their hooks into her. I think you need a complete break for quite a lengthy spell. Then let her see them on your and DP's terms, and only in both your presence.