to be absolutely gutted to find out I'm PG with DC3?

[AnotherTeacherMum]

Found out today that I am pg- bit of a shock.

TMI bit (included so I don't get lynched for being lax about contraception), condom split went for morning after pill well within timescales- could not believe it when I got a positive test today.

DH had a business go under just over year ago, we are in £50k debt (as well as mortgage, only about £10- 15k equity in house as bought at a bad time) he's currently working as a taxi driver (his income doesn't even cover bills) so heavily reliant on my bursary now and me getting a job in Sep (which I now realise is about a week after I'm due).

I'm finding my workload with kids/ study / teaching practice so hard already. DC1 and 2 are 4 and 5 yo. Last couple of years have been horrible mainly becauase of financial probs- been taken to court,had repossession of vehicle- managed to get my English degree whilst all of this going on. Even if I only had 3 months off when baby is born I don't know how we would live whilst I was off and that would be assuming I could find work easily when I needed to go back. I also can't bear that thought of packing a tiny baby off into childcare whilst I work a 50-60 hour week- but I will have no choice. I already feel like I see far less of dc1 and dc2 than they need.

I felt like we were just about to get our lives back on track when I qualify in summer and now I'm back to square 1. I realise that there are people who would do anything for a baby but I feel absolutely defeated by life today :(

I just want to give the OP a great big hug - as I'm sure many of us do. As I said before (others too) I've been in her position - not knowing how to feel, not knowing what to do. There isn't always a neat answer to what life throws at you and there's certainly not a one size fits all solution to unplanned pregnancies. In a situation like this there are so many individual nuances and different factors to consider that none of us can possibly presume to know exactly how the OP feels, or what the effect will be on her whatever decision she makes. It's obviously hers and hers alone ..... just wish I could wave a magic wand for her to take away the confusion, the worry, the doubts and the pressure of time. Whatever she decides in the end, that will be the right decision for her - no-one else can possibly say otherwise.

Another hug for the op from me. I hope all goes well whatever decision you make.

I got my NQT job in January. Could you try to get a job & then take a years maternity leave? I'm doing my NQT year with two primary age kids & DH only here at wends. It's hard but OK. I reckon I could cope with baby DS1 as well, but not DS2 as he was much harder work.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

OP just wanted to say I think you can have a medical termination. Which is just pills and a pessary. You can be at home for this. I think the cut off for this is 8 weeks.

Condoms are a very effective form of contraception. You've had some bad luck there.

You have to do what is best for all of your family and it sounds like it would be additional pressure when you are finding your feet.

Sending a big hug.

OP has not been back for a while.
Am I right in thinking that termination is not really something you would consider, OP? I mean I just get that impression.
I did have a termination, and I do not regere it. But for some people, although we say it is an option, for some, it just really isn't.

If thats the case with you. Then, this is fine. And we can focus on all the practical steps, that Mn'ers are great on providing, to help you through this mentally, and in the short term and the long term.
HTH

I agree with you Oblomov. She already knew what options she had in relation to the baby when she came on the thread, she is already a mother of 2. Hope some of the experiences of other women who posted that they had been in similar circumstances were helpful and I thought some of the practical points raised might have been helpful too. I am sure we all hope she makes a decision that feels right for her family.

Absolutely, ZZZen.

OP I sympathise, and offer unmumsnetty hugs. It's a shit situation to find yourself in. As others have said, people always cope, and if in 5 years time you have a 4 year old child along with your then 10 and 9 year olds, you'll love that child as you love your DC1 and 2. Some people regret terminations but I don't think anyone regrets their unplanned child once s/he is there. We are lucky enough to live in a country with a decent support system for situations like this in terms of benefits, social housing, etc. Could the CAB offer advice on financial help, perhaps on bankruptcy or benefits?

Oblomov and ZzzenAgain I agree. The OP knew her options and didn't sound in her OP like she was wanting handholding through an abortion, she didn't even mention it in her OP. Those who are shouting down any viewpoint other than pro-termination ought to wonder if they are perhaps the ones putting undue presure on the OP to do what THEY think is right. A pro-life viewpoint is just as valid as yours, and no-one in that camp has been at all extreme or nasty on this thread. I am hiding this now as I can see it kicking off and I'm finding it upsetting.

Good luck OP.

Sadly I think people do sometimes regret children but it is too taboo to admit to these feelings.

Perriwinkle

Just what do you term "proper" contraception?

My dc1 was conceived on the combined pill. My dc2 was conceived midway through my depo injection that I'd been having successfully for five years. My dc3 was conceived on a Mirena coil which had been in situ for almost three years.

I don't want any more DCs, but to be sterilised or for DH to be snipped is too final. I now have mini pill AND copper coil - I'm aware that neither are 100% fail safe.

Be careful,you don't fall off your moral high ground.

OP good luck whatever you decide xx

MollyDoggerson - I agree, and I have read threads in here attesting to that.

Indeed, Molly and Floury.

You can love your child with all your heart but still recognise the detrimental impact their arrival had had on your life and that of your family. It's disingenuous to say otherwise.

I dislike the stock 'it'll be fine' response for that reason. Probably things will be fine, but at what cost? And how can some random on the Internet (myself included) possibly know? Kaida, I'm not saying the OP should have an abortion. I do think it's right that people should mention it though, particularly in response to some of the fluffier posts you get on threads like these. I find some of those quite insidious tbh.

OP, whatever you decide, there is plenty of good, practical advice to be found on MN. And yes, I would like to give you a hug.

I have to be honest and say my instant reaction to your thread title was yes. Yes YABU. But I'm judging that on my own circumstances and not yours. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant earlier this year, and like you was shocked. Not gutted, just stunned and wondering how tf we would cope with another mouth to feed/another set of nursery bills etc. And then I miscarried at just over 11 weeks and then I was gutted. Don't have the balls to actually choose to conceive again, and tbh only want the baby we can never have.

So yeah, that was my initial response. Having read more about you and your situation I understand fully that you may choose/need to take a different course. Dh has just embarked on his 3rd year in teaching and it's still a hard slog. He did do his PGCE year with a newborn (ds2 was born in the October half term after him starting in September), BUT he didn't have to carry the baby himself and due to circumstance was actually 200 miles away from us the majority of the time. I suspect had he been here with us he'd have caved and quit because it was too much.

It's a cliche but it's true - only you and dh can make the decision that's right for you and your family. Rest assured though that you will be supported, whatever that decision may be.

This happened to us and I sympathise as it's a shock.

I had 15 month old twins,we were living with my dps,about to complete on a house and dp was suddenly faced with redundancy whilst doing an hour and a half commute each day.I was told it was impossible to conceive naturally before I get flamed.

You need to decide if you want this baby.If you do you'll get through it.It'll be tough but it will be worth fighting for.

I desperately wanted my little girl and it was shite but we got through it-you will too.A few months on dp got a better,closer job and having 3 under 18 months didn't actually finish me off(nearly but not quite ).

Don't worry about the childcare-life isn't perfect and having had my teaching career destroyed by being at home with the 3 tiny dc I'd go as far as saying working may be preferable in the long run.

Soooo concentrate on what you want and then take it from there.I certainly would never judge either way. We're all different people,bodies,personalities and life experience.

yy re childcare; you say you can't bear the thought of putting a tiny baby into a nursery. It's not perfect maybe, BUT if you do continue with this pregnancy please don't pack in the teaching because of that.

I can't say whether you'd regret having a baby now or having a termination. But I am pretty darned certain that you and your family would be worse of in all manner of ways if you don't complete your NQT year.

Absolutely, Jenai.

You say in your OP that you took the morning after pill. Tat suggests to me that your first and gut instinct was that you didn't want to be pregnant. That says a lot to me.

You've used two forms of contraception. That tells you something. Contraception fails --the only 100% form of contraception is complete abstinence. Termination is legal in this country and a good thing too as it is sometimes a necessary back -up to failed contraception.

I've been lucky (sub-fertile except for one fortunate pregnancy) never to have been in this position, but of my friends who've terminated unwanted pregnancies, there have been few, if any regrets. It's this godawful social pressure to feel as you "should" not as you actually feel.

All the best to you and your DH.

taking the MAP suggested to me the OP didn't want to GET pregnant

Not wanting to get pregnant and not wanting to BE pregnant aren't necessarily the same

OP I hope you give yourself time to process the news and get good impartial advice on all your options x

Good luck

Hi anotherteachermum

How you doing? You still around?
I am (as of this morning) in the same position as you and bricking it.
Have two DC's and didn't want any more.
We'd agreed.

I just can't come to a decision. I'm sort of hoping the decision will somehow be taken out if my hands, but hating myself for feeling that way. Ultimately it's just a complete inability on my part to make such a huge, black or white, decision.

Lets hold hands? x

I am in a similar position. I know that's not helpful and this isn't about me - but I am and I know what a shock it is. I have 2DC and a DSS already.

I started bleeding a week ago - I am still bleeding and crampy now. When it started I felt nothing but relief that the decision was taken out of my hands. Unfortunately, the tests are still showing positive and the GP has told me I will need to wait another 10 days and take another test to see if I'm still PG. If I am then I am terminating. I know I need to now I know how relieved I was when I thought it was all over.

I have just returned to full-time teaching after maternity leave for DC2. I want to get my career going again and another maternity break would be terrible at this point. I am the main earner and being part time has really hurt our finances. I understand about the feeling of getting things stable only for the rug to be pulled again.

Whatever you decide to do, OP, it will be the right thing for you and don't let anyone else's opinions sway you. What does your OH think about it?

Aaww, hope you decided to keep your little baby (I would go mad for one)!! . Just think, this time next year (s)he would be celebrating their 1st Christmas! . Sure you'll get through, no-one starves in England. All the best. x

mybaby seriously insensitive post from you.

How crass