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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be absolutely gutted to find out I'm PG with DC3?

216 replies

AnotherTeacherMum · 21/12/2012 21:18

Found out today that I am pg- bit of a shock.

TMI bit (included so I don't get lynched for being lax about contraception), condom split went for morning after pill well within timescales- could not believe it when I got a positive test today.

DH had a business go under just over year ago, we are in £50k debt (as well as mortgage, only about £10- 15k equity in house as bought at a bad time) he's currently working as a taxi driver (his income doesn't even cover bills) so heavily reliant on my bursary now and me getting a job in Sep (which I now realise is about a week after I'm due).

I'm finding my workload with kids/ study / teaching practice so hard already. DC1 and 2 are 4 and 5 yo. Last couple of years have been horrible mainly becauase of financial probs- been taken to court,had repossession of vehicle- managed to get my English degree whilst all of this going on. Even if I only had 3 months off when baby is born I don't know how we would live whilst I was off and that would be assuming I could find work easily when I needed to go back. I also can't bear that thought of packing a tiny baby off into childcare whilst I work a 50-60 hour week- but I will have no choice. I already feel like I see far less of dc1 and dc2 than they need.

I felt like we were just about to get our lives back on track when I qualify in summer and now I'm back to square 1. I realise that there are people who would do anything for a baby but I feel absolutely defeated by life today :(

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 21/12/2012 21:37

I was due to have DD2 in the September after I qualified and I was advised to apply for jobs anyway, I didn't but that was for other reasons. I was told that due to the timescale in which you apply for teaching jobs it happens more than you would think and as long as you inform the school as per required timescales they have to keep the job open for you as you are entitled to maternity leave, but not pay, however long you've worked there for.

It would not be easy but you could start work at Christmas if you had a job in place and needed to financially and if you didn't need to go back early you would have a job set for when you did go back. I'm not saying the school would like it but you can always apply for something else once you've started if you feel uncomfortable there.

you have choices and you should do what you feel is right for all of you but it might not be such disastrous timing as you think. Smile

MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights · 21/12/2012 21:37

Thanks all.

I've found it quite hard to digest on my own tbh. Dp is great but he wouldnt makethe choices that I have. He understands and is supportive butbI can tell it hurts him so we dont discuss it much.

What does your dh think about it?

Alconleigh · 21/12/2012 21:38

A pregnancy is not a baby. You know that.

Original poster
AnotherTeacherMum · 21/12/2012 21:38

Thanks freemanbatch... did you manage to get a job in the end??? Hows it going?

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 21/12/2012 21:40

I've just started looking again Anotherteachermum having got rid of the problem that was stopping me working (abusive STBXH)

peachypips · 21/12/2012 21:40

You don't have to rush things- give yourself some time over Christmas to work out how you truly feel while the shock wears off. Don't feel pressured, just try and let the dust settle.
Bless you

autumnlights12 · 21/12/2012 21:42

I know a few people, myself included, who had unexpected dc3's.
It worked out fine despite the initial horror and huge stress. If you do continue with this pregnancy, it will be fine in the end. You will find a way. All the best x

ProphetOfDoom · 21/12/2012 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 21/12/2012 21:47

Both you and d h sound very capable people to me and in another 9 month's time the situation may have improved. I would listen to my heart. Were you a bit excited when you found out before you considered the financial situation or not really? I think you and d h sound stable and practical and the relationship seems good.

HOw difficult for you at this time. HOpe you can find peace with what you decide to do

kilmuir · 21/12/2012 21:47

alconleigh what is a pregnancy if its not a baby?

peachypips · 21/12/2012 21:55

Let's not make this hard on the OP by turning the thread into a debate on abortion whatever we personally think about it. Can we all agree to support her without judging?

StuntGirl · 21/12/2012 21:56

You know exactly what she means kilmuir. I don't think that argument is going to help the OP right now.

Alconleigh · 21/12/2012 21:57

it's potentially the best thing in the world. And it's potentially the worst,

specialsubject · 21/12/2012 21:58

you are not 'other people' and must decide what is right for you.

every child a wanted child.

good luck with whatever you decide.

bedmonster · 21/12/2012 22:00

Wow. Very tough decision to make op. And very early days so you still have the benefit of time. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with dc3 a few years ago. Circumstances were all wrong. Finally decided to terminate. My decision. Dp supported me but deep down he wanted the baby. Fast forward a few years, a house of our own and a more settled home life, we finally have our dc3. He has just turned 1 and I can honestly say we made the right decision those fee years ago.
You have options. Consider them carefully and keep talking to your dh. Good luck op.
You too Mike.

baskingseals · 21/12/2012 22:02

god alconleigh - you've got it in one.

op - agree with giving yourself a bit of breathing space. don't think about it till after christmas, and talk to your dh. good luck. i have been on both sides of this particular fence.

Perriwinkle · 21/12/2012 22:30

IMHO, people who are serious about not wanting to be pregnant do not rely on condoms for contraception.

If you now find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy you still have a choice to terminate it.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, you will manage somehow because people always do in these situations and, furthermore, you will always love the baby and be happy you decided to keep it.

Moral of the story is, if you and your DH are both in agreement that you really don't want any more than 2 (or 3) children, sort yourself out with some proper contraception. I'd advise that your DH has a vasectomy. That's what we did and it really is the best method all round.

bedmonster · 21/12/2012 22:33

Perri even vasectomies aren't totally foolproof as my lovely friends found out. They have a beautiful daughter to prove this Smile
(Although I would agree that they are very very effective, much more so than relying on condoms)

Lulabellarama · 21/12/2012 22:35

perriwinkle massively unhelpful post. OP took the MAP and it failed. Lectures are pretty pointless.

LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants · 21/12/2012 22:36

I thin you need to respect the fact that sometimes things don't go as planned. Perri. Did you mean to sound so holier than thou?

There are 'morals' to lots of stories but life doesn't always follow the plan.

Sheesh.

OP I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation and I hope you find the right path for yourself.

MrsFlibble · 21/12/2012 22:44

Yeah, no lectures, its not very helpful, protection fails, my sister got pregnant 3 times on the pill, hence her desire to be sterilised and refused.

OP, its a bad situation, and only you and DH know whats best for you, i hope that if you keep the baby, things will work out, but i also understand your worry and thinking of termination, i hope you find whats best for you, but dont be so hard on yourself, the best is all we can do, but you have time to think, so relax and get over the shock, things will be a lot clearer then.

Pendipidy · 21/12/2012 22:56

why doesn't anyone ever think having the baby and giving it up for adoption is an option? termination isn't the only alternative. pregnancy is a baby. what stupid thing to say.
i am sorry it is a stressful situation for you. op. x

Perriwinkle · 21/12/2012 22:58

Bedmonster that probably happened becuause your friends didn't follow the detailed instructions you have to in order to get the all clear before beginning to have unprotected sex. It's a common failing and many people actually naively believe that it's safe from the minute the procedure is done. From distant memory my DH had to have something like 30 or so ejaculations and then submit three samples for analysis a certain amount of time apart before being given the all clear to proceed without caution. I think it took about 2 or 3 months post op before he was given the all clear and during that period unprotected sex is not allowed because it's not safe.

I'm sorry if you find my advice unpalletable but to be fair, if the OP doesn't want to put herself in this predicament again, she really should take my advice.

If I sound holier than thou - no offence to the OP but so be it. You can't really sugar coat this sort of thing can you?

ZZZenAgain · 21/12/2012 23:01

Pendipidy perhaps difficult to explain to their dc who are 4 and 5, but you are right it is of course a possibility, although I am not sure if it would work for OP

Perriwinkle · 21/12/2012 23:02

Pendipidy I don't think that adoption for a person who already has 2 children would be the ideal solution.

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