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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be absolutely gutted to find out I'm PG with DC3?

216 replies

AnotherTeacherMum · 21/12/2012 21:18

Found out today that I am pg- bit of a shock.

TMI bit (included so I don't get lynched for being lax about contraception), condom split went for morning after pill well within timescales- could not believe it when I got a positive test today.

DH had a business go under just over year ago, we are in £50k debt (as well as mortgage, only about £10- 15k equity in house as bought at a bad time) he's currently working as a taxi driver (his income doesn't even cover bills) so heavily reliant on my bursary now and me getting a job in Sep (which I now realise is about a week after I'm due).

I'm finding my workload with kids/ study / teaching practice so hard already. DC1 and 2 are 4 and 5 yo. Last couple of years have been horrible mainly becauase of financial probs- been taken to court,had repossession of vehicle- managed to get my English degree whilst all of this going on. Even if I only had 3 months off when baby is born I don't know how we would live whilst I was off and that would be assuming I could find work easily when I needed to go back. I also can't bear that thought of packing a tiny baby off into childcare whilst I work a 50-60 hour week- but I will have no choice. I already feel like I see far less of dc1 and dc2 than they need.

I felt like we were just about to get our lives back on track when I qualify in summer and now I'm back to square 1. I realise that there are people who would do anything for a baby but I feel absolutely defeated by life today :(

OP posts:
loverofwine · 22/12/2012 10:06

YANBU

I cried for a full day when I discovered I was preg with DS4. Was on the coil and we'd done it ONCE. Plus it meant 4 kids under 5 and another bout of horrific depression. Completely understand your situation but it is not the end of the world and there are always options.

I went ahead with pregnancy because couldn't face termination. Fast Forward 4 yrs we are skint, I went through another huge depression, my career is completely shot but the family feels complete and I wouldn't be without DS for the world.

BIG HUGS and whatever you decide good luck.

ClaireDeTamble · 22/12/2012 10:10

Others have given you advice re: the pregnancy, but if it is the finances that are the biggest factor in your decision, have you made sure you are doing everything possible.

For example - is the debt secured on your property or unsecured? If it is unsecured are you trying to make all the minimum payments or are you on a debt management plan?

Use the debt free wannabe board on the money saving expert site for financial advice and remember that babies are very cheap for the first couple of years as you can pick up everything you need off eBay and Freecycle.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do - whatever decision you make will be the best one for you and your family in the long term, even if it feels a bit like Hobson's choice right now. xx

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 22/12/2012 10:18

strumpetpumpkin Exactly, it's NOT always ok in the end and without knowing you or your circumstances, I'm amazed that posters can give you assurances that it will be. Same goes for not going ahead with it - it can be the best decision for some people and not for others.

I'm aware that I'm just repeating what Strumpet said, but I feel strongly that it is your decision, and that you have to do what suits you and your family the best, whatever that might be.

I too hope you have lots of support might as well have not posted and just copied and pasted strumpet's post

aufaniae · 22/12/2012 10:20

Did you know that many mortgage providers will give you a 6 month mortgage holiday when you're on maternity?

Ours did (Halifax) but they didn't advertise it, we found out by accident.

It made a massive difference to us.

Worth asking them if they do it anyway, so you know where you stand.

MrsLyman · 22/12/2012 10:21

OP if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy things will also be fine in the end. It's never an ideal solution because of what it involves and there will be upset and regrets along the way, but you will also get to the stage when life is different and better because of the decision made.

Good luck either way and I hope generally you and your family have a better time in 2013 it sounds like you've been really up against it this year. Thanks

MrsLyman · 22/12/2012 10:31

Sorry just read other posts since I startedmy post and feel that I should add that I have terminated a pregnancy. It was totally the right decision and whilst I sometimes feel sad about it, it was totally the right decision to make given the circumstances. I have no regrets and am perfectly capable of forgiving myself for having an abortion.

R2PeePoo · 22/12/2012 10:33

OP, I agree with those who are telling you that termination is a viable option.

I was unexpectedly pregnant two years ago and terminated.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard for six months or so and there were lots of tears but my god, the relief of knowing that I didn't have to have another child if I didn't want to. Its something I feel sad about now but I feel sad that I was in that position and had to do it at all, its not regret that I did it.

Two years on I think about it occasionally, but my life is so good right now and I am doing things that would have been ten times harder with three children. I have never ever missed that third child.

FivesGoldNorks · 22/12/2012 10:39

OP, hope you can make a decision you are happy with. IMO for what it's worth you are barely pregnant and you do have plenty of options. You have many good reasons not to have another baby. On the other hand if that is what you choose then I have no doubt you'd make it work.

Love and best wishes to Mike too - sorry you are going through this x

FivesGoldNorks · 22/12/2012 10:41

I actually have no experience but i believe there are many people who have terminated a pregnancy and look back and are happy with their decision. But they don't tend to tell their stories on MN (for many, valid reasons - not a judgement)

MummytoMog · 22/12/2012 10:44

You poor thing :( I would love a third, but financially it would tip us over the edge, and we're not even as near to it as you sound :( really hope something works out for you. I had a coil put in in May after completely bollixing up my dates (my dad had died three weeks before and I was a mess) and I was weeping hysterically at the thought of being pregnant (it was the fifth day). Thankfully no pregnancy, but I know I was lucky.

JenaiMathis · 22/12/2012 10:51

I think your choice here is between taking the very real risk of losing your teaching career and ending this pregnancy.

I doubt many of the posters saying 'you'll cope' have any idea how hard PGCEs and NQT years are.

Maybe it's doable, but I'm not convinced.

RedHelenB · 22/12/2012 10:57

Aufanie = I doubt they would if op has already come close to losing their house.

notnagging · 22/12/2012 11:02

I had twins whilst doing my pgce & coped. My last one was a total shock. You will get through it. I can't imagine having a termination after I've already had children. You might actually find you get more support. I haven't bought anything except a car seat in the sales. You will get tax credits and an increase in child benefit which will help a little. There is no reason why you can't complete your teaching practice.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2012 11:07

notnagging - another lovely judgemental post.

Was your partner earning an income at the time? Maybe the OP won't get tax credits? They have massive debt and have come close to losing their house. What would the impact of that be on the OPs existing children?

Unless we have been in the OPs exact position, then none of us can say 'oh it will be fine you will cope'.

I am really, really shocked at some of the responses on here. Although perhaps I shouldn't be because the prevailing opinion on MN is always 'you will manage' whenever someone is unexpectedly pregnant and not entirely happy about it. Some people need a healthy dose of realism IMO.

FivesGoldNorks · 22/12/2012 11:08

notnagging, well done to you. But this is about the OP

JenaiMathis · 22/12/2012 11:10

Sometimes it's easier to make the decision to terminate if you are already a parent, because not only do you have actual children to consider but you know what having a baby entails.

notnagging · 22/12/2012 11:10

How was I judgy? I have been through the same experience with twins. I think it is more judgy to say op won't cope!

aufaniae · 22/12/2012 11:12

It doesn't hurt to ask though (about the mortgage holiday).

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2012 11:15

The exact same experience, notnagging? Complete with business debts, a husband not on a stable income and court proceedings?

No-one is saying that the OP definitively won't cope, only that if she feels she can't then there is no shame in that, none at all.

autumnlights12 · 22/12/2012 11:17

am shocked at posters thinking its ok to argue all over this thread written by a confused, emotional op. And those of you telling her that termination is a viable solution, she won't feel guilt about that, her teaching career will be over and baby+pgce isn't doable are just as judgy and unhelpful as those telling her she might regret an abortion, perhaps even more so.

RedHelenB · 22/12/2012 11:37

It's not judgey but it will be hard work on top of struggling financially - straining a strained household still further may not always be the best solution when there are others to consider.

JenaiMathis · 22/12/2012 11:46

It's not judgemental nor is it particularly argumentative to counter the 'it will be fine' posts with the suggestion that actually it might not be fine.

autumnlights12 · 22/12/2012 12:00

ok, if you can't see the hpocrisy in that, there's really no hope.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2012 12:11

Feel for you, OP.

It's inevitable that people will post their own experriences, I guess they're trying to problem-solve for you, trying to help, but it can sound very harsh, as if they're judging you when perhaps they aren't. It's the way of chatboards - whatever one person does is the polar opposite to what somebody else chooses to do.

The best advice, I think, is to set a deadlne for you to make a decision (as suggested by somebody further up the thread) and try to put it out of your mind until then. Only you know what you can cope with - and what you're willing to cope with. No decision is a bad one, just take the time that you need to make it. Best wishes to you.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 22/12/2012 12:11

OP, I hope you're ok.

You need to do what is right for you and your family. A termination is not to be taken lightly of course and is, imo very difficult emotionally BUT if you and your husband decide it's the best thing for you (and exsisting children) don't feel guilty.

You need to sit down with your husband (without any distractions) and work this through. Do give yourself time BUT a termination will be 'easier' the sooner you do it if that is your decision.

I wish you all the best x