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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absolutely gutted to find out I'm PG with DC3?

216 replies

AnotherTeacherMum · 21/12/2012 21:18

Found out today that I am pg- bit of a shock.

TMI bit (included so I don't get lynched for being lax about contraception), condom split went for morning after pill well within timescales- could not believe it when I got a positive test today.

DH had a business go under just over year ago, we are in £50k debt (as well as mortgage, only about £10- 15k equity in house as bought at a bad time) he's currently working as a taxi driver (his income doesn't even cover bills) so heavily reliant on my bursary now and me getting a job in Sep (which I now realise is about a week after I'm due).

I'm finding my workload with kids/ study / teaching practice so hard already. DC1 and 2 are 4 and 5 yo. Last couple of years have been horrible mainly becauase of financial probs- been taken to court,had repossession of vehicle- managed to get my English degree whilst all of this going on. Even if I only had 3 months off when baby is born I don't know how we would live whilst I was off and that would be assuming I could find work easily when I needed to go back. I also can't bear that thought of packing a tiny baby off into childcare whilst I work a 50-60 hour week- but I will have no choice. I already feel like I see far less of dc1 and dc2 than they need.

I felt like we were just about to get our lives back on track when I qualify in summer and now I'm back to square 1. I realise that there are people who would do anything for a baby but I feel absolutely defeated by life today :(

OP posts:
VisualiseAHorse · 21/12/2012 23:52

You are still so early in the pregnancy. I would set a date for making a decision, and stick to it. Maybe 8 weeks? That would give you time to talk it over with your OH, and be able to look into childcare\job options as well.

I really feel for you, and I hope that your situation gets better.

StickEmUp · 21/12/2012 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 21/12/2012 23:56

Can't believe you can't see how preachy and insensitive your post was Peri Hmm What works for you won't neccessarily be the best decision for someone else, berating the OP for her contraceptive choices is hardly helpful to her now.

StickEmUp · 21/12/2012 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights · 21/12/2012 23:58

Peri- I never said you had broken any rules or talk guide lines. I haven't reported you either. Personally I think your posts are inappropriate, but dont need deleting.

Maybe its just a bit close to home for me atm.

OP I'm hiding this thread now but I really do wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Night all.

jojane · 22/12/2012 00:04

I have been in your situation twice, first time was with dc3 - we were broke but decided to go ahead with baby and actually our financial situation greatly improved, DH got a new job etc. ds2 is now 2 and I wouldn't change him for the world,
2 months ago another shock happened, unfortunately we decided that a 4 th child would stretch out family resources too thin, so made the hard decision to terminate.

Narked · 22/12/2012 00:06

Let's leave the patronising unhelpful comments to one side.

Whatever you do OP, it will be a hard decision. I would be inclined to go and see your GP ASAP about a referral to a clinic because, whether you decide to go for that option or not, the NHS can move slowly.

bedmonster · 22/12/2012 00:06

Peri My friends DH had had his vasectomy 3 years before she fell pregnant again. They were later told that the material used to sever the tubes was widely reported at the time to disingrate and they have now changed it.

OP, hope you can pick some sensible and helpful advice throughout this thread. Get some rest and reasses when it feels manageable.

Monty27 · 22/12/2012 00:12

You don't sound like you want to terminate, so don't. Life changes all the time, things get better (sometimes).

You'll never forgive yourself I feel. If you go ahead with pg, it might be the best thing you've ever done.

Beveridge · 22/12/2012 00:13

Teaching, especially newly qualified, is a demanding career. I have a 1 and 3 year old and teach p-t, I am continually winging it, cobbling lessons together and squeezing in marking (or not getting it done at all for the junior classes, quite frankly) and that's with almost 10 years experience. It took me all my time to get to grips with it in the first few years and that was without children(and with an ex who I really had no desire to spend much time with, looking back).

OP, I hope you are able to come to a clear decision that is right for you and your family soon.

Re: other issues raised on this thread - There are a lot worse things to find out about about your birth parents than that they couldn't afford/manage to keep you within their family. One reason I have never tried to find my birth parents is the possibility that I might have been the product of rape or incest, not that they might have maintained a relationship and/or kept any siblings.

And better a carefully used condom than randomly missed pills.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2012 00:31

OP I hope you are ok.

All you who are pressing the OP to reject the idea of a termination with emotive language 'you'll never forgive yourself' and other gems should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. This poor woman posts here for a bit of support and hand-holding, and instead gets a guilt trip and pressure to go ahead with the pregnancy.

BOFingSanta · 22/12/2012 00:49

I agree. There is no evidence to suggest that women regret the decision to terminate when they have made it for reasons which make sense in their circumstances. If now is not the right time to continue a pregnancy, then it's unlikely you will come to regret that decision.

What does make women feel shit about exercising their hard-won reproductive rights, is the pressure and judgement that comes from outsiders. Which is why it is so hard to be open about the topic, and it remains a taboo surrounded by shame. It shouldn't be like this.

LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants · 22/12/2012 00:50

Ali - I think I love you.

That is all.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2012 00:53

BoF - exactly.

I had a termination many years ago, which was absolutely the right decision at the time. I have been sad about it, and felt a huge amount of emotion about it, but I have never regretted it for one single second.

Lets - thank you. I was very restrained.

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 22/12/2012 01:25

OP I'm sorry you're in this position. I wish you all the best with whatever you and your DP decide.

Big hugs xxx

CoreOfLore · 22/12/2012 01:29

YANBU. I completely understand. I cried for days when I discovered I was having twins.

Take a few days to let it sink in and think it through. Only you and DH can choose what is right for your family at this time.

McChristmasPants2012 · 22/12/2012 01:35

op, I do not want a 3rd a child and DH has had the snip. For me if i was ever to get pregnant then i would terminate.

however this is your choice, and if you do continue with the pregnacy you will find a way

WelshMaenad · 22/12/2012 01:53

I would be gutted if I fell pregnant with DC3. It would be a hard decision but I would terminate, I think, because looking at the bigger picture and the impact on my existing children, it the only choice that would make sense.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do, OP, and please know that there are plenty here who will support you unquestioningly, whether you decide to proceed with this pregnancy or not.

Monty27 · 22/12/2012 01:58

Absolutely unjudgemental here too, in case I was read wrong previously.

Take care op ()

sashh · 22/12/2012 04:58

Not read the entire thread but I'm assuming you are continuing the pregnancy. If you are not then you have good reasons and I think in your situation I would do the same.

Anyway, someone I know was in a similar possition and she became a child minder for a year or two. She is teaching full time now.

It might be an option, you couln stay at home with dc3 and have another ............ actually I think with a new born you would have to check how many.

It's an option because you can then go to a job interview and talk about the early years curriculum and having practical experience of delivering it - this is good whether you are applying for primary or secondary.

Hand available to hold either way.

sashh · 22/12/2012 05:15

When I said 'have another' - I mean have a child you are paid to look after.

MardyArsedMidlander · 22/12/2012 09:17

BoF and Ali- I love you xxx

Adviceinscotland · 22/12/2012 09:35

I was also going to suggest the childminder idea but was not sure if it was the time or the place Confused

Hope you are feeling a bit better after a nights sleep op.

No-one can judge you for doing what is right for your family.

RedHelenB · 22/12/2012 09:43

I think the difference between an abortion & losing an early pg is the CHOICE has been taken from you. I haven't ever terminated but have miscarried but of my friends who have they are all sure they made the right decision. It isn't a baby yet, so the sooner you decide the better. I really think you would fail your NQT year with a small baby & two other littlies & no family support - you need to do a hell of a lot of work at home.

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 10:03

im sorry for your difficult decision.

Ive had a termination, had 2 planned wanted babies, miscarried a wanted pregnancy and carried though with an unwanted unplanned pregnancy.

I dont regret my termination and i dont regret having my daughter, although its been incredibly hard and i dont think ive ever been the same mentally or physically since. I love her to pieces and shes brilliant, but its been a hard slog. Me and my partner who are very much a strong in love couple, have nearly split twice since because of the stress. I cried my way through the entire pregnancy and even now 5 years later i still suffer, but she is wonderful too.

I cant offer you any advice except to go by your heart. It is very possible to bite off more than you can chew with parenting. Its very easy to have more children than you can cope with and its NOT always ok in the end. Also not everyone that has an abortion regrets it. I barely think of mine.
Remember you have options. I hope you have lots of support whichever you decide.

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