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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

191 replies

CoreOfLore · 21/12/2012 15:09

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear Xmas Envy), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend ChristmasXmas Angry

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
apachepony · 21/12/2012 15:13

I cannot see how the dsc coming to yours for Christmas is to their benefit. Are ex and mil just trying to be deliberately difficult?

Delayingtactic · 21/12/2012 15:14

I was all ready to come here with judgey pants round my neck but actually I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think you do need to say no because its not going to be a fun Christmas for anyone really. If I were you I'd want to sit with the stepchildren and talk to them about what's going on honestly.

apachepony · 21/12/2012 15:15

Also v sorry to hear about your ds, I hope he gets better soon and Christmas is not too difficult

Izzyschangelingisarriving · 21/12/2012 15:16

Nasty people - tell mil to sort it with ex if she wants to see then that much and Dh pop in at some point - you aren't having the others

Some people sicken me with their selfishness

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 21/12/2012 15:16

You poor bloody thing. MIL is a bitch. YANBU.

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake · 21/12/2012 15:18

Yanbu. Say no. And stick to it.

To put a crying dsd(9) on the phone is very underhand emotion blackmail and using children as pawns is IMO very sick behaviour on the part of dh-ex.
You have more things to worry about this Christmas than whether ex or mil are "put out" by the choices that you have had to make.

ChasedByBees · 21/12/2012 15:18

I think since your step daughter is being used as a tool of manipulation I would sit her down and explain what this will be like and how it won't be like Christmas. You could also offer to have her after Christmas for Christmas part 2. I would be having very stern words with MIL.

Also, why wouldn't their mother want them there for Christmas? That would be a great treat surely?

TeeElfOnTeeShelf · 21/12/2012 15:18

I'm assuming here that your DSC have been told what kind of Christmas it's going to be? Because it sure doesn't sound fun to me.

I'd put my foot down if I were you but make your husband tell his mother.

MegaClutterSlut · 21/12/2012 15:18

Poor ds, hope he is feeling better soon YANBU

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2012 15:19

YANBU

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/12/2012 15:19

I can't see why the dsc or their mother would want them to be at your house in the circumstances, but I can see where they are coming from.

They shouldn't have to miss out on a Christmas with their Father because of new children he has had.

Where did they go last Christmas?

auntmargaret · 21/12/2012 15:19

Mmm, difficult one. On the one hand, your priority has to be your DS and making sure he gets the care he needs. On the other, it sounds like your poor DSD is being used as a pawn by her DM and GM, and might genuinely be hurt if she isn't allowed to come. What's exW doing, does she want to spend Xmas alone without her DC? Odd. Could your sister cope with 3 other DC then they could come, but go to her's, as per original plan? Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place.

magimedi88 · 21/12/2012 15:19

YANBU at all - sometimes you have to put yourself first & this is one of those times.

I can't believe how vile your MIL & the EX are being to you.

I am also so sad to hear about your DS - hope he is soon on the mend.

Atthewelles · 21/12/2012 15:20

I cannot believe they aren't bending over backwards to help, instead of causing problems. Seriously, I'm gobsmacked at their behaviour.
YANBU. You're just going to have to put your foot down. Does your DH have any siblings who would be able to have a word with MIL about her behaviour?

verytellytubby · 21/12/2012 15:22

I don't understand why they can't be with their mother. You have enough to deal with.

Sending healing vibes to your DS.

Moominsarescary · 21/12/2012 15:22

What a bitch! No yanbu, it will be no fun for your dsc to be at yours. If I was their mother I'd want to spare them having to see your ds so Ill if at all possible. I'm sure it would be upsetting for them too.

Hope he gets better soon x

Leeds2 · 21/12/2012 15:22

Could your DH visit the dsc for a couple of hours in their own home, so that they get to see their dad? If their mum wants to,she could invite MIL at the same time. This would of course mean that you would be left on your own with your three youngest for the duration of his visit!

Why is the DSC's mum behaving like this? Most parents are sad when their children spend Christmas with the other parent, not actively encouraging them to ask to go! I can only think that the Ex knows that your husband will say no, so that she will after all spend Christmas with her children but will enjoy having caused a rift between them and their dad.

allnewtaketwo · 21/12/2012 15:23

Your dsc will have a much better Christmas away from all this I would have thought. It sounds very much like the rota taking form over substance if they come over. It's clear that your other children are also spending Christmas elsewhere, and for good reason. Your mil is a cow and the ex is bonkers for preferring her children to have a sad time with an ill sibling rather than a happy day elsewhere

TheMouseDancing · 21/12/2012 15:23

Yanbu, I am very sorry to hear about your ds and hope he gets well soon.

I would tell ex and mil that you are sticking to your original plans and will not be discussing it further. If mil wants to see the dsc she can visit them herself, the insensitivity and selfishness of some people is sickening.

Your dh can speak to his dc's and explain why they cannot visit on xmas day this year.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 21/12/2012 15:24

What nasty, selfish people. How is this all about them?? Do people have no empathy???!!! And to use a child as emotional blackmail is just disgusting.

Hope your DS is feeling better soon.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 15:24

If there was ever a time for "putting your foot down", this is it.

Say a point blank no and don't get draw into justifying it. You can sort out all the hurt feelings/spoilt tantrums (your eMIL, not the kids) later.

You need all of your energy and headspace for your poorly child and yourself and your DH. NOTHING else can come before.

I am so sorry you are going through this and will light a candle for you all. xxx

ZZZenAgain · 21/12/2012 15:25

if MIL gets on so well with the ex, can she not spend some time with the dsc at ex's home over Christmas this year, or would that be awkward?

I think you are right that it is MIL who has got to the ex since she was otherwise ok with these arrangements. I think your dh needs to talk to ex, perhaps meet, explain that just how very ill ds will be and that it will have to be very quiet at your house whilst he recovers, that of course her(their) dc are loved and wellcome but if they came this year, Chrsitmas would be no fun for them and you had all wanted to avoid that, also that for this very reason your 3 older dc are also not going to be in your house this Christmas. It is an exceptional situation and you are trying to make Christmas a bit fun for those dc for whom that is possible but if her 3 dc were to come to your house, it would be very quiet and ds would be very ill so it wouldn't be much of a celebration. Since the dc cannot be at your home while ds is so ill, you could arrange for them to be picked up and taken to dh's family or even to your own if that is what she would prefer. I bet she doesn't really want that.

Could your dh go round to see them for a bit at ex's home on Christmas Day ? Are you close enough geographically and on good enough terms for this to be a realistic option? I really think after dh speaks to her again, ex will be ok with it, she was before the MIL got on to her and put who knows what flea in her ear.

SlightlyCrumpledChristmasPaper · 21/12/2012 15:27

YANBU. I would suggest finding ways around it normally, but caring for a very sick child is exhausting & you could both do without the extra pressure I suspect.

I am astounded so often at the way your poor dsd has been used by her family for the benefit of making you all feel guilty.

Hope your little DS is soon on the mend.

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 21/12/2012 15:28

Should of mentioned what EX was doing.

Usually it's one Christmas with her, one with us and this year is supposed to be our year. I assume MIL has gotten to her, as both are notorious haters of mine; I swear they only still talk because they are the founding members of the 'I hate loreofcore' club. I think she wanted to spend Christmas with her boyfriend, but when DH originally explained the situation to her she reluctantly agreed to keep them with her, but MIL has given her the strength to believe she is in the right.

OP posts:
sue52 · 21/12/2012 15:29

Your dsc would have a much better time shielded away from the stress. Mil sounds like she has been pouring poison into ex's ear. Does exwife fully understand what your DS is going through and how difficult Christmas will be for you?

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