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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

191 replies

CoreOfLore · 21/12/2012 15:09

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear Xmas Envy), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend ChristmasXmas Angry

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
RacHoHoHog · 21/12/2012 23:23

How unfair for op to look after her sick child and two young babies alone so that mil gets her own way.

I don't think that is a good idea when the dsc can stay with their mother this year. there are plenty more Christmas's to come when they can see their dad.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 23:24

it is likely that this little boy will be dreadfully ill and need 24 hour, physical care. It will be emotionally and physically exhausting and heartbreaking for OP to go through this with him. Can you not see that she will need her dh with her? And taking the babies away may not be feasible either.

ZZZenAgain · 21/12/2012 23:25

The fact is it isn't good for any of the dc this year but goodthe dc who live with ex could still have had a typical fun Christmas, OP and her D h, ds and the dc3 older dc who are going to their aunt are all having a difficult Christmas

oldpeculiar · 21/12/2012 23:27

It wouldn't be 24 hours though, it would just be until bedtime, or even afternoon.Really one person can nurse a sick child.Single parents have to.
DS has his mum's undivided attention.The other children have needs too.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 23:29

have you nursed a small child through chemotherapy oldpeculiar?

Viviennemary · 21/12/2012 23:29

It would absolulely not be unreasonable of you to put your foot down and ask for things to be done your way in view of your DS being so poorly. Can't believe these people are so selfish and insensitive that they are put extra pressure on you at this really difficult time. Hope your DS gets well soon.

5madthings · 21/12/2012 23:32

oldpeculiar its a 2-3 hr drive!

The little boy needs his dad and there are two little ones as well.

The op and her dh would have sirted something but their mym said she would have them. SHE has now changed her mind with very little notice.

It would not be fair for the op to be on her own wirh such a poorly child.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 21/12/2012 23:37

Unfortunately the Ex and MIL seem to be tremendously inflexible people, who think as it was going to be DH's turn to have the children this year they want to go back to that idea, despite agreeing right up till now to be flexible and reasonable in this exceptional situation.

Looking after 3 small children, one of whom has just had chemotherapy 2 days previously sounds like a 2 person job to me.

Will be thinking of your DS and your family over the next few days Lore

Getting all the children together briefly after Christmas could be a nice thing to do. They could always show each other their new toys and play with them together. We really enjoy doing that with friends after Christmas - the enjoyment of new presents and toys should last longer than a day after all !

blackeyedsusan · 21/12/2012 23:38

definitely, emaiol back nd sy it is not in the childens (steps) best interests to chnge the arrangments that have been made on x date t such short notice.

you do not want the children to be exposed to... (use the info above) (sickness/chemicals/potential infections/ emotional distress)

this way, when they try to kick up a fuss later... there is a paper trail of evidence to say that you were not being nasty but had good reason.

oldpeculiar · 21/12/2012 23:39

My eldest son had ALL if it is any of your business.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 23:44

It is of course none of my business, but neither was it inappropriate for me to ask in this context. You didn't have to answer.

I'm surprised you don't have more compassion for OP. She is going through hell and so is her little boy.

Moominsarescary · 21/12/2012 23:46

It sounds to me that the person who doesn't want the dc's is actually their own mother.

StuntGirl · 21/12/2012 23:49

Good god, they've not exactly heard of the spirit of Christmas have they?

Absolutely not unreasonable. Although in these circumstances you can be forgiven for being as unreasonable as you bloody well like! I would put my foot firmly down and say the plans have been made, that's that. Your little boy has cancer, do these people not understand that? Christ alive. Aside from practical support you and your husband need each other for emotional support. Yes, if you were a single mother you'd have to soldier on alone, but you are not a single mother so there's no bloody reason you should act like you are.

I hope your son gets better soon and you can have a wonderful delayed Christmas celebration Thanks

MsElleTow · 21/12/2012 23:52

Has your MIL always been such a selfish, nasty, horrible bitch?

I can not get over what she and your DH's ex have done! Put your foot down and stick to your guns!

I hope your DS recovers well.

oldpeculiar · 21/12/2012 23:53

Ok I can only give the benefit of my own experience which is that cancer treatment is a long haul, the hardest thing ever .It is very very common for siblings needs to suffer.the hospital warn you again and again, but ypu only recognise that in hindsight, at the time your earth revolves around the sick child.
I wish the Op, her little boy and the whole family all the very best as I hide this thread which I am finding upsetting x

DowntonSprouts · 21/12/2012 23:53

I'm sorry but I think that there are times and circumstances in life that mean one person has to take precedence over other peoples needs and feelings. And this is just such an occasion.

You have, what, 9 children between you? All of them are having to make allowances this year because the needs of your DS must come first. That is just the way it has to be this Christmas.

I think you are handling everything in a very sensible manner and being extremely diplomatic. I'm afraid I would not be so calm in your situation. I hope that you can sort this out and make arrangements that work for everyone, but at the same time I think your DHs ex and Mil sound like an absolute nightmare, and I hope that once all this is over and you are all feeling stronger you let them know exactly how selfish and hurtful they have been.

Good luck to you all, especially your DS. May you have lots and lots of very merry Christmases after this one.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 22/12/2012 00:02

If the Ex and MIL had behaved in a mature way there would have been no reason for the DSC's to be at all upset. If everyone had pulled together they would have easily understood that they were spending this Christmas at their Mum's (FFS !) as their step brother isn't very well.

Tuppence2 · 22/12/2012 00:10

Totally not unreasonable at all! Sure if your stepkids knew how rubbish (if you see how i mean) Christmas day would be at yours, with an unwell child and 2 littlies, they wouldnt want to come, even if you had the best presents in the world to give them.
This horribly unfair of your MIL, I can't actually bring myself to say anymore, because it won't help, I am just very angry on your behalf that no one (MIL, the ex) is seeing it from unwell child's point of view.
Just another case of grown adults actuing like kids (again, MIL, the ex) and using children in their petty games!

BegoniaBampot · 22/12/2012 00:13

I think people are maybe being a bit unfair to the Ex. Maybe she is dealing with children who are very upset at not spending Christmas with their dad. Maybe she didn't make her daughter cry and speak to her dad down the phone, maybe the daughter has been very upset. I sympathise with the Op but don't think this whole thing is just black or white. There could be very upset children here who feel their dad isn't thatnterested, they are too young too understand the complexities of it all.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 22/12/2012 00:23

Well, agree with Tuppence much more than Begonia there.
As I said DSC's wouldn't be upset IMHO if their own mother (and granny) had had some sense and empathy for others.

Moominsarescary · 22/12/2012 00:35

Agree with juggling and if they were my children I would be explaining to them that their brother was ill and that their dad would also be sad that he couldn't have them, but it would be no fun for them to spend the day there and they could see him in a few days time.

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 22/12/2012 00:39

I'm back. Thanks to everyone for the advice and well wishes, they mean a lot even if they are just from anonymous users on a computer screen Xmas Smile

So I put my foot down, and it has caused an earthquake. There have been times in the past which has seemed like EX's hate for me have over rides her love for children, but I don't think this is one of those times. I think MIL has actually convinced her that the DSC are missing out on some thing by not being here, and that it's unfair, and in turn she seems to have the DSC (or at least the older two) believing it Xmas Sad I would actually have preferred it was just vindictiveness. I'm not sure how to deal with this without having upset children, or an upset,stressed out me.

The immuno-suppressed thing is another issue all together, and while I could also write a thread about that, I already know IABU, so it's just something we have learn't to live around.

oldpeculiar I totally get what you're saying, and believe me, besides the days immediately following treatment, life goes on as normally as possible for all children involved.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 22/12/2012 00:45

but you're not really having 'christmas', are you? you're having the twenty fifth of december, which is day 2 post-treatment. hence the fact your other kids are off celebrating elsewhere.

ex and mil are being batshit crazy and cruel, both to you and to your step-children.

agree with greensleeves, you need to build a wall and insulate yourself from this. this is not remotely where your head should be right now. the very very very best of luck to DS, may this all be a horrible memory by next christmas.

Moominsarescary · 22/12/2012 00:46

Hello core how long have the dsc known that they will be staying with their mum instead this year and have they had any problem with the new arrangments before now?

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 22/12/2012 00:46

You sound an amazing woman Lore - all the best to you over Christmas and New Year, and for your DS x