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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

191 replies

CoreOfLore · 21/12/2012 15:09

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear Xmas Envy), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend ChristmasXmas Angry

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 22/12/2012 00:48

So what has been decided Op?
And what Aitch said.

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 22/12/2012 00:54

Nothing has been decided yet, but will need to be by tomorrow (Today) afternoon. I still do not want them here, but we shall see.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 22/12/2012 00:56

can you just delay christmas? it's just a date and a roast dinner, at the end of the day. i take it your step-children will still get their presents from you guys, at their mother's house?

abisothergran · 22/12/2012 00:58

Your Mil sounds a nasty piece of work.Put your foot down-apart from all the other reasons your son who will have just had chemo should avoid all risk of picking up a virus .So contact with other children best avoided.Tell Mil doctors have ruled out other children being in your home so Mil will need to host Christmas for them if their Mum Can't.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 22/12/2012 00:59

Honestly you will have enough on looking after DS and the two littlies.

Everyone else will be fine ! Ignore Xmas Smile

marcopront · 22/12/2012 01:09

Could you tell them, "we're not having Christmas on Dec 25th because of DS instead we are having Christmas on Jan 1st" and then have all the children there that day?
If the issue is about them seeing their dad for "Christmas" that should solve it but I suspect the issue is about them seeing their dad on Dec 25th.

McChristmasPants2012 · 22/12/2012 01:09

not read the thread, but the heath of your DS is the most important thing.

sod christmas, there is 365 days a year and there is many many days to do something special.

hope your LO gets well soon

OutragedFromLeeds · 22/12/2012 01:10

Can DH reason with his ex? If he explains exactly what Christmas with you and a very sick DS would be like for the older children, that they really would be better off with her?

I would try and talk to the SDC's as well and explain that it's not Christmas at your house that day, but actually the 29th or whenever DS will be over the worst of the chemo after effects. Get DH to hammer home that he absolutely wants them for Christmas, but it's going to be a different day this year.

OP YANBU.

rainbowsprite1 · 22/12/2012 01:10

I havent read all the replies but my heart goes out to you. Can you use the risk of infection as an excuse to limit people? My dad is currently nearing the end of a gruelling 7 weeks of chemo & radio therapy & I have been told my 2 DD's, 5 & 6 can't go anywhere near him due to the infection risk. I have nothing else useful to offer but very un-mumsnetty hugs. I hope you & your family have the best christmas you can under very difficult circumstances XX

Bogeyface · 22/12/2012 01:14

YANBU

Why do they hate you so much?

MalibuStac · 22/12/2012 01:20

YANBU they are

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 22/12/2012 01:22

DH can't reason with EX - She isn't really in a reasoning mood, especially as she views it as helping me and 'Lore knew what she was getting into when she started a relationship with you so she will just have to suck it up and get on with it', a direct quote.

Yes marcopront, I can almost guarantee it has more to do with the day then the actual event. Her favorite saying is 'you may of left me, but you won't leave them and cheapen your parental responsibility' and it has come up more then once today.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 22/12/2012 01:30

Were you the OW Lore?

You seem to be avoiding the question.

It doesnt mean that she shouldnt understand the situation but it might explain her attitude towards you.

VestaCurry · 22/12/2012 01:33

Is there any way your dh can get to see your dsc beforehand? I appreciate the only probable option on that is.....today and means the long round trip. But, if he can talk to the children directly, face to face, allay any fears that seem to have been whipped up by his mother and their mother, that could be a good thing. Even though the youngest dsc is only 6, we all know that young children above all appreciate straightforwardness and age-appropriate honesty and generally have tremendous empathy for other young children if they are poorly. You can both then focus on your very poorly ds.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 22/12/2012 01:33

fine, but your other children are leaving you that day as well, so if anything's 'cheapening parental responsibility' it's cancer. forget about reasoning, just build the wall until treatment is over. they are being despicable under the circumstances.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 22/12/2012 01:36

Should that matter in the circumstances Bogeyface?
And no, I've never been the other woman, it was the other way around for me, and yes it hurt.
But a sick child must be the only consideration, Op is giving up Christmas herself and letting her older kids go to her sisters.

VestaCurry · 22/12/2012 01:36

Just read your last post. There's obviously huge levels of bitterness, which is why I suggest your dh talking face to face to your dsc if at all possible.

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 22/12/2012 01:50

Bogeyface

I haven't addressed it because it doesn't seem relevant to me, but perhaps it is.

Dh and EX relationship was not a typical one, in that they were never married, they never lived together ect. DH was living in London with nephew, she was living in Surrey with DSC, and he would go down and stay with them on Sunday. DH (and also the law) never viewed them as being in a committed relationship, EX thought he was going to propose to her at anytime. It was a horrible situation for all involved, and I'm ashamed of DH for having stringed her along for so long, but no, I don't view myself as the other woman, as I insured that all emotional ties were cut before I would start a relationship with him, but in her mind I am, as I am the reason her and DH relationship broke down.
You can make up your own mind, it tends to be a pretty even split of people who think I was or wasn't, I don't care either way, nor do I find it relevant to the present situation.

OP posts:
BegoniaBampot · 22/12/2012 01:55

Your DH never saw himself in a committed relationship but had 3 children with her?

OutragedFromLeeds · 22/12/2012 01:56

'nor do I find it relevant to the present situation'

The present situation has come about because of her and probably MIL's view of you, it's absolutely relevant to that.

BegoniaBampot · 22/12/2012 01:58

I understand your motivation especially for your sick child. Just makes me wonder how his first 3 children view their relationship with their dad.

sashh · 22/12/2012 01:59

YANBU.

Put your foot down.

Or if, like me, you have the evil gene, allow the dsc to come, but before they arrive, they must be aware of the hospital's instructions, so must be disinfected on arrival.

They will have to wear surgical masks all day.

Due to the chemo you cannot have turkey in the house due to the high risk of bird flu (and any other total crap you can think of) so dinner will be porridge.

OP you are being totally reasonable, which I admire your ability to be with a sick child.

And at the moment everything does need to revolve around your son.

MoetEtPantsOn · 22/12/2012 02:01

9 is probably old enough to understand that DS will be really sick and that you're really sorry but it just can't happen this year. Can DH not explain to the child? It's not like you'll have time to cook a meal or do anything nice for them if they were there and be could say that. And perhaps promise a faux Christmas in January or something.

I can see why there might be bad blod but the history should be a separate issue really.

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 22/12/2012 02:05

sashh If they are to come dinner WOULD be porridge only if they are lucky, as come second day after chemo even the smell of chewing gum overwhelms DS scenes and makes him nauseated. Apparently this is still a better Christmas then staying home with mum Xmas Confused

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 22/12/2012 02:08

I feel it is relevant because although, as a mother, she may understand your concern for your child, as a "wronged woman" she may feel that you should not be asking her for her help. From her POV her own family and her hurt outweighs your and his feelings for a child that means nothing to her.

I am not saying I agree, far from it, but just trying to understand why she feels as she does. She was the mother of your DH's 3 children but then finds out he was never committed to her and then he married you and had 3 more. I can understand why she feels she owes you nothing, even if I can't understand why she would happily see a family with cancer suffer if she could help.

If your DH can see the children and explain why this Xmas has to be this way, then he should and then do what you can to get through.

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