To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

[CoreOfLore]

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear ), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend Christmas

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

It's brilliant that you've compromised on this Op.
Like WeWilson, it does seem like the Dsc's are being stuck in the middle of this.
How do your own children feel about the whole situation?

YANBU, I personally cannot believe the Ex is not delighted to get an extra xmas with HER kids?? I would be heartbroken to spend it apart from mine...

Stick to your guns, your DS is more important than stupid family politics.

It's a shame you have been forced into having the DSC's by the ex and mil. Fwiw I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by having the eldest back in the afternoon.

I am so cross for you. Can I go and slap DH 's ex and the mil in the face with a wet fish?

I wish your son health and happiness in the New Year Lore

OP I feel for you, horrible, horrible situation to be in, and I thought DH and I were having a nightmare over exP and christmas, I take it back. Your poor DS, you are absolutely doing the right thing with your plans and why the ex can't see the need to give and take here I really don't know. I haven't read the whole thread so this might have already been said but do you think if you and DP talked to the DSC and explained what Christmas at yours is going to be like they might change their minds and tell ex they don't want to go? Not that I'm encouraging you to use hers and MIL's own weapon against them of course

Wishing your DS all the best for 2013, hope he doesn't feel too rough over the next few days given the circumstances.

So sorry to hear about your DS and hope he gets through his chemo soon.

Ex is a horror. Shame on her.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas My older DC (DD9 and DTS5) help with DS as much as they can, and while it is never fun, they see it every fortnight so it's just water off the fishes back to them now.

The real fun now will be deciding who will stay with my family and who will come home. In an ideal world it would be DD1,DSD1 and DTS1, but like everything else this Christmas, that just isn't going to happen as DTS2 has extreme social anxiety, and is currently being investigated for selective mutism, and leaving him there on his own with that many people is just going to make him distressed and difficult to deal with, but nor can I have him come home as I feel this is something DSD1 really needs to see for herself. It's going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. Can't Christmas be over already?

Why not postpone Christmas? Have a nice day do presents watch DVDs order take away for the bigger kids (up stairs and put of the way) and then have a bigger celebration after this round of chemo is done?

Op I'm really sorry you are in this situation, really hope all goes well and ds gets better soon.

I feel sorry for you dsc as there is massive point scoring going on here, and your mil, well that would be it for me. I'd make no effort, I wouldn't take the kids rounds or anything like that. She's poison! Wouldn't have her anywhere near them.

I've had more than a decade of dealing with all the (absolutely totally unnecessary) crap, upset, stress, expense, manipulation, inconvenience, worry, drama, dishonesty, tears, accusations and frustration caused my DP's ex using their children as weapons - because she'd rather score points and "get one over" on him/us than do what's actually best for the kids. In that time, I've also sought out and got to know many other women who've experienced the same problem.

But this, this is the worst example of that sort of thing I've ever heard of. It's utterly undeniably disgusting and I don't know how she can sleep at night. This isn't a question of these kids not being wanted, it's a fact that right at this time, and for an absolutely genuine reason which anyone with a shred of compassion and humanity would understand, their father really can't have them (and now, you have a whole heap of additional stress and worry, plus your nice dad is being inconvenienced too). The compromise you've reached is going to add to your worries and simply make the difficult job of caring for your ill DS even harder - when quite obviously his parents should be devoting as much attention to him as they possibly can. At extraordinary times like these, all the adults involved in your stepchildren's life should put aside any other feelings (and frankly, if those feelings have arisen because DS is seen as a "lesser" being because he's adopted then shame on such narrow minded bigots) and do all they can to reassure them that their dad doesn't love them any less, doesn't stop thinking about them just because DS, through no fault of his own needs to be prioritised for a while. If MIL and ex had any decency at all they'd help the stepchildren through what, admittedly, might be a confusing and worrying time for them with a mixture of age appropriate honesty and explanation, maybe distraction techniques, lots of reassurances and so on. The fact they've deliberately failed to do this, and, adding insult to injury, have used the situation to score points, cause bad feeling, upset the children, create extra work and worry for OP and her DH, unnecessarily impose what will be a pretty boring and crap Xmas afternoon/evening on (at least) SD1, and expose DS to (potentially) dangerous germs is one of the most evil examples of bitterness and spite I've known of. The pair of them should be horsewhipped. Bitches the pair of them.

OP ...... I really really hope that come the 25th, you and DH are caused as little extra work and stress as possible when you'll have your hands full with DS. Fingers crossed that SD1 learns a lesson from this and that she doesn't play up for you. My concern would be that she kicks off at being "ignored", "bored", "hungry" and so on giving you something else to deal with - especially if she's been drip-fed posion by ex and MIL. I also hope that your poor DS doesn't suffer too badly for too long after his chemo and that he's sufficiently recovered in a while to be able to enjoy a belated "Xmas" day with lots of fun and laughter. That's the thing ..... ex, MIL, SD1 - have they stopped to consider for a moment that your own kids are also missing out on the kind of Xmas experience they'd usually enjoy - and of course there's one very important little boy in all of this who won't get to enjoy any sort of Xmas at all on the 25th!

I'm sorry you've felt you had to compromise on this with such unhelpful idiots OP
Do agree with catsmother - they are behaving unbelievably badly.

Just a practical suggestion ... you said DSC's will probably have to make do with an afternoon of being babysat by the TV followed by cereal for dinner. Completely fair enough but just thinking could you dress that up slightly as a DVD movie afternoon with maybe some microwave popcorn ? Or there may be something good on CBBC exactly for bored children or those in less fortunate situations to enjoy - could be pretty good stuff, a pantomime or whatever. Maybe look in a TV guide and see what's going to be on so you can put a good spin on it for them ? Maybe DS could be well enough to enjoy sitting on the sofa with his sibs at least for a bit ? Much love to you all x

i saw the title and thought you must be being unreasonable

read the thread and no you are not

hope you son recovers soon XXX

I'm a wee bit confused about it all tbh. The age gap between your twins and your DS suffering from cancer and your youngest step DD is very small.

So for your DH to have started adoption for your DS his DD must have been very very small, so I can see how his EX must have been pretty shocked that he broke up with her after having 3 small children with her and then started an adoption when the youngest was still probably a baby?

Unless your older 4 DC are with an ex and your DH has adopted them all as a step parent? I dunno. I can just possibly see why she feels maybe her 3 small children weren't enough for him and he started having more so soon after they split that she might feel her 3 are getting pushed out so wants to 'defend' their places?

But a child is unwell here at Christmas. As catsmother said, that being the case all the adults pull together for the sake of all the children ? No ? Too simple ?

Yes in an ideal world! But I can see why their Mother may feel threatened. Isn't it all meant to be a tribal throwback, how we always wanted to defend and protect our own first? Maybe she just feels her DC are being pushed out and can't see rationally.

I completely feel it's not on the childrens best interests to be there. I think they should be having a lovely time at home with their Mother.

Sounds like the mother of the step children is pushing them out so she can go choose her boyfriend over her kids whilst the dad is trying his best to make sure they don't have a differcult Christmas

Superscrimper - the adopted, ill DS may have been adopted when he was, say, 2 - not necessarily as a baby, so your assumption re. the time line could be skew-wiff (if I've read your post correctly).