To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

[CoreOfLore]

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear ), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend Christmas

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

So sorry to hear about your poorly boy and I wish him and you all the best.

How old are the DSC? IF they came, would it be possible for one parent to sort of assign themselves to DS and the other to the babies, with the DSC helping? And have fish fingers and chips, or something.

Or, would the ex take them to MILs?

Or, you are totally NBU to say 'NO CHILDREN EXCEPT DS AND BABIES'.

Let them have their witchy little grudge if it gets them through the day. Who gives a fuck what they think of you

Your dh can talk to his children alone when he gets the chance and explain to them what is happening and why it isn't in their best interests OR their little brother's for them to spend Christmas with him after a round of chemo. I am from a divorced family and I would have understood this at 9.

Am so angry for you that these idiots are bothering you at such a difficult time!

oh I see, well if there is a deep hatred underlying it, it explains things a bit. She would rather spend Christmas with her boyfriend without her dc?

Well if they are so unpleasant, perhaps rather than explain a whole lot, just say no, due to ds' state of health it is impossible this year. Finsih.

I feel sorry for the little dsd, this needs fixing somehow

tbh I don't really see why the MIL should "win" out of this. If the dc are to spend Christmas away from their mother, maybe they could go to your sister with your older 3. Would your sister be willing to take that on? I know it is a fair bit to ask. Your dh could take them there and spend time with them where possible. It is not ideal but ex cannot complain that you did not take them when it was your turn and MIL can get stuffed IMO. It also gives dh a chance to explain the situation to his own dc and for them to see for themselves the condition that ds is in.

Poor you. I hope you son recovers. It sounds very painful. I'm sure you've had great advice on the other matter. I just wanted to comment on the part that stood out to me. Best wishes.

If her children didn't get to spend Christmas with their Dad last year, it's understandable that they are upset.

I hate it when my dc go to my ex on Christmas Day, but if I ever felt like he didn't want them with him, especially on Christmas, I'd be gutted for them.

but it's not that he "doesn't want them with him", is it?

it would be hell for them and for OP and her ds and everyone involved apart from the loony ex and her boyfriend.

As much as we all have to treat our DC equally and not leave anyone out, there are certain times in life when one person (or the needs of that person) has to take priority. This is not wrong, mean or selfish - it is just life.

Obviously, your DS must be that priority this Christmas. Not because it's Christmas, but because of his treatment on the 23rd which leaves the poor little boy feeling very poorly.

I think it would be entirely fair, and actually right, to say that this year - no. You must let them come to you for Christmas next year though, when all of your DCs can have a fun time together.

It's not that 'he doesn't want them' Outraged it's that he has a very very difficult situation going on at the moment that is outside of his control. And instead of being 'gutted for the' a reasonable mother would explain this as best as possible to her children and make them realise how sad this is for OP's ds, instead of creating a battleground.

Oh I was so ready to flame to you pieces, but I feel so sad for you & your son. And your stepkids actually, who sound as though they're being used by their mother & grandmother.

The simple fact is that they will not have a fun & happy Christmas with you while your son is recovering from chemo. On that basis alone, YWNBU to say a firm no to them coming, but I do urge you to try and organise some sort of family fun for all your children & stepchildren together as soon as your poorly son is up to it. Adults have no excuse for saying the world doesn't revolve around your ds, but it's easy for kids to lose sight of that & to quickly feel sidelined.

OP is going to be very worried and stressed after the OP and then looking after a very sick little boy with two babies, so it isn't actually realistic what I suggested before about dh driving the dc anywhere. He needs to be at home with OP, the little boy and the two babies. She cannot manage on her own and she really shouldn't have to.

How old are the stepchildren? We know one is 9, how old are the others?

Your MIL and DH's ex are complete loons and nasty bitches. YANBU. Hope your DS's treatment goes ok on 23rd and he doesn't feel too awful over Christmas. Definitely put your foot down with those 2 - why can't the DSC go to MIL if she wants to see them so badly?

If one of my sons was going through chemotherapy, the world bloody well would revolve around him, and anyone who didn't like it would get very short shrift from me.

Do your dsc know about his illness and treatment? I would expect a 9yo to be able to comprehend this, if it is sensitively and lovingly explained. If that can't happen right now, your dh can do it later. It's a situation in which somebody's feelings are going to be hurt - that person cannot be the poorly child, or OP who is caring for him and two babies.

I understand where you are coming but I also think its unfair to expect your family circumstances impact on his ex. She was due to have christmas alone this year and made plans so it really should be up to your DH to sort the children out at the time he was due to have them.

You can't 'put your foot down' because they are his children too and if they lived with him you would have made arrangements for them so I don't see why this should be any different really.

I hope your DS recovers soon.

For God's sake chris their little boy is having chemotherapy. Have you ever heard of compassion, give and take, flexibility. There are times when you put your own 'rights' to one side because someone else is having a very very hard time and needs a bit of help and empathy.

I thought my mother was the only person in the world who was THIS fucking selfish and stupid. Apparently not

Yes Chrismissy but the ex had already agreed to have the DSC this year and is now changing her mind/ putting sobbing kids on the phone to guilt-trip OP's DH. Plus I think a small child going through chemo and radio 2 days before Christmas warrants more consideration than to merely be referred to as "Family circumstances".

If I was the ex I'd be explaining to the dc's that their brother or step brother ( sorry not sure which) was poorly and that it was better if they stayed at home. I wouldn't want them to see a little boy being so ill if it could be avoided.

Ds was due to stay with exh last year but due to family problems stayed with me instead. I would much rather have my dc's with me for Christmas and ds was fine with it.

Yanbu I would stick to your guns. Absolutely not this year. Explain to the dab how poorly their brother will be. They are old enough to understand.

Hello OP

I too can't believe the selfishness going on here. You can't be expected to accomodate anybody elses wishes during this very difficult time. I can't begin to understand what you and your ds are going through.
I hope he recovers soon and is not too sick. My prayers are with you. God bless, lovely.

Personally I would be 100% behind you and cheering you on if you decided to put your foot down and say no.

Question: how long is your DH supposed to have your DSC for? Is it just during the day of the 25th?

Am just throwing out a suggestion, feel free to reject it! If it is just a bit of the 25th (say morning, lunch and afternoon then dropped back to exW) could your DH take them to your MIL and someone else come and stay with you to help with your DS and 2 LO?

Or could DH take the 3 DSC and your 2 LO to MIL (who seems very keen to help! ) leaving you with DS for a quiet day together?

I suppose it all depends on whether you have the energy to find a compromise (and like I said, I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to).

If your DH was meant to have the children say for 2 days could you cut it down to one?

Hope your DS gets well soon

Some people are so "Christmas must go on completely the same as always no matter what the circumstances" aren't they ?

Unbelievable how little anyone is prepared to help you all this Christmas with DS unwell.

My niece has had Wilm's disease at a similar age but thankfully is much better now.

(( Hugs to you all and be firm for everyone's sake - just talk with DSD, perhaps when she understands better she can be more mature than others ! ))

YADNBU, I hope your DS gets well soon and you have as peaceful a time as possible.

Would it be at all possible to offer a late Christmas event to all your DH's children once DS is over the latest bout? So doing some presents, having a turkey dinner, crackers, playing some fun games all together etc - but once your DS is over the treatment and it's after effects so is able to join in as much as possible too?

Perhaps something like towards NY or even in the quiet week between NY and back to school?

But I would definitely agree with just putting your foot down and saying NO, that no one is coming over on Xmas Day (do they realise that your older DCs are actually LEAVING?!) because of the health issues. In your household, Christmas Day is actually cancelled until a later date in the diary this year - at which point your DSCs will of course be welcomed with open arms.

so I see a couple of solutions here for dh to offer to ex:

1. she has the dc this year and he comes round today/tomorrow to explain the health issue and arrange with his dc for a special day when they will all get together and have a late Christmas celebration together (at a date that ex can pick even).
2. ex has her Christmas with her boyfriend and the dsc go to MIL. Since MIL will not drive to pick them up and dh will have to be at home with you, some kind person: ex, her boyfriend, a member of dh's family or yours or a good friend will have to drive them there and back. If the other two are a fair bit older they could possibly go by taxi.
3. the sdc go and have Christmas with your family OP so their mother can have Christmas alone with the boyfriend but they see neither MIL, nor presumably dh until a bit after Christmas

She will not choose 3, 2 the dc won't fancy IMO so it will end up 1.