To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

[CoreOfLore]

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear ), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend Christmas

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

Is the DS with cancer your's and DH's, or yours and your ex's?

Also, how often do your SC see your DH other than every other Christmas? If it's very irregular, and he is basically parenting 6 other children FT, you can kind of see where this is coming from in terms of the ex maybe feeling that he hardly sees them anyway, and now he's cancelling one of those rare times.

I agree that the situation is stupid and that the best thing is your original arrangement, but with more details, you can sort of see why this is blowing up.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief - Yes, DS is both DH and my son, however DS with cancer is adopted, so if you're implying that EX feels like DH is sacrificing time with DSC for 'another mans child' you might still be right.

We have DSC every third weekend at the moment like clockwork. So no, it isn't irregular contact.

I apologize if you think I'm drip feeding; I honestly didn't think past relationship dramas or the fact that DS was adopted, for anyone who might jump on me about that, was relevant to the situation at hand.

Lore, I'm sorry you're in this predicament. If the DSCs do come, I think they need to be told by your DH that the family isn't celebrating Christmas, they need to be good and quiet and help you and DH make sure your DS is ok.

In my experience kids are very good at helping, at least for a little while. If they complain, I think it's ok to tell them Christmas is about OTHER people, not yourself.

And I know this may be vindictive, but if you DSC's do come, Please for me, uninvite MIL unless she is willing to pick up the kids and take them somewhere, she isn't allowed as she doesn't value your DS's health enough.

Good luck to you and happiness to your family,.

OP Not thinking you're drip feeding- I was just trying to understand the family dynamic.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of past relationships and the crossover between you and ex-W, the bottom line is that the situation being proposed by MIL is crazy and benefits no-one. What you originally suggested is by far the best compromise in a very difficult situation

Wishing your DS all the best for tomorrow

Your OP proposal is very reasonable. Your MIL and DHX sound very bitter and twisted. I hope your DS feels better soon

I've only read the OP's post but did she say if DH will spend anytime with his children with the ex anytime over the Christmas holiday, including the whole of school holiday?

I'm so sorry about your ds.

I don't think if you've been through chemo with someone you can understand how horrible it is.

Do they understand your older children aren't going to be there for the same reason?

I feel so sorry for your dsc who must feel like no-one wants them thanks to their mother who is fighting to not have them to make a point. I always thought all parents would jump at the chance of an extra turn at Christmas.

Sorry if I missed it but how old are his children?

I think the fact that DS is adopted is VERY relevant to MIL and the ex because they have decided that he is putting one child before his own, biological offspring. They are twats.

I would be willing to bet that MIL and the ex hated each other until they found a common enemy to bond over.

I really hope DH gets them to see sense and I really hope your little boy recovers.

9,7,6 years-old. It was his turn to have them this year, sadly the chemo is planned for the 23rd Dec and the side effects are worse 2+ days afterwards.

Core I do feel really sorry for your DSC, not because you don't want them at your place. But because their own mother doesn't want them at Christmas, but would rather they spent time at yours because "it is their right" regardless of how awful it was.

To be honest I would be tempted if blackmailed into having them to also make sure MIL comes too, and enjoys a Christmas of: porridge, cleaning up vomit, being quiet, etc.

Core, your op sounded totally reasonable to me. These are exceptional circumstances. I would carefully explain to dsc that you are not doing Christmas on 25th this year (you could make a plan for a NY christmas instead??) Then say nicely buut firmly to ex and MIL that you are not doing christmas on 25th, and no, you can't have them at your house. Remember to tell tham all that your older dcs are going to rest of family because of the situation.
stick to your guns. It is ok to make a decision and stick to it, even if others are being unreasonable. You don't have to give in to other peoples manipulation.
What a horrible situation to be in. Hope your ds is better soon

Core, sending you my sympathies. What an awful, awful time you're having.

Your MIL and the ex sound, to quote someone up thread, "batshit crazy". However I guess you know that and that doesn't really help resolve the current problem. My DH also has an ex who is less than rational so can empathise somewhat but OMG this to contend with in addition to your sons illness and treatment.... so hard.

I'm in agreement with those who suggest choosing a different day to rename as Christmas day so for the the children's POV they won't be missing it with you and have it to look forward to.are they old enough to 'get' this?

OP
Whatever your MIL's feelings towards you are, to have no sympathy for your 4 year-old sick DS is incomprehensible to me. Of course his health and the risks to it are the most important issues here.

Many good suggestions in these posts and hope your DH settles the matter with his DC. It is the MILs attitude that is out of order. She should be helping with this sad situation and not making it worse for all concerned.

OP I don't know where to start. You must do what is right for your DS and all else gets zoned out. They have no humanity. Where they could have made this easier for the children they have caused bitterness and harm.

I wish you all the best and your son a good recovery. Please go easy on yourself. Zone it out, just focus on you and your son and babies.

I think the dsc are old enough to be spoken to about what will be happening. They are old enough to understand that you wont be celebrating christmas and that they arent missing out.

I think you should arrange with the dc and their mum to have christmas day another day. If ex cant do this then she is a bitch IMO.

CoreOfLore

I can't see how you are anything other than reasonable. And you have thought about ALL the children, not just your own and not just the one who is ill.

Having DSC there is not in their best interests and not in the best interest of anyone else.

If yourr DH would have to collect them what can they do if he just doesn't turn up? Or am I misunderstanding something.

Just pull the curtains on, hide the car, switch off all phones (if you need contact with your children get a new PAYG or a new sim).

good luck with everything Lore, sounds like a tense and worrying time for you but it will pass. Hope ds will be alright, poor little lad.

What a horrible situation for you to be in, so sorry about your DS, poor little mite.

Your MIL is utterly selfish and being horrible; your DH's ex, possibly manipulated by your MIL, no less so. I do understand that your DH's children would want to see him, and would be disappointed not to - but surely anyone with half a brain could see that THIS year is a one-off and exceptional, and accept that things have to be different?
Your DH could go this weekend, for e.g. and do early Christmas with his children - it's only a couple of days early.
Your DS will be immunocompromised and I wouldn't allow extra children into the house, WHOSEVER they were, because of that.

Your own older children are not going to have Christmas day with you, fgs! It's not like you've made arrangements for them to be elsewhere, just so you could have space for your DSC!

I do hope that you manage to resolve it without the outbreak of WW3, because in reality, you DO need to concentrate on DS at the moment - he's going to need all your resources just after his chemo.

I wish you luck with the ex and MIL and hope that they remember what Christmas is supposed to be about (peace and goodwill, anyone?)

Thank you all once again for your advice.

We have ultimately decided to have DSC on Christmas day after my father stepped up to the plate and offered to drive them to and back to my family during lunch, though 3 of the 6 will be home by three, as my father is then going to my own sm family. It's not the best out come, but thanks to my fathers kindness, it's now better to compromise then being subjected to the weeks of fall out that not taking them would have caused

So yes, in the end three children will have a pretty poor Christmas afternoon. We've explained already that if they are one of the DC who come home early (one of which will be oldest DSD, not to be vindictive, but so she can see for herself the real reason why we didn't want her here) that it will not be fun and games and the usual feast, it will most likely be being babysat by the TV and cereal for dinner, while DH and I care for DS, but EX is still adamant that they have a right to be here

Thumbwitch DS is immunocompromised, but having been on MN as long as I have, I've seen the situation come up in one or two threads and the response has always been that it's unfair on the DSC to keep them away from the house during those times, especially if the OP has other children. So I've been trying my best to avoid the subject. I just try my best to limit the number of people who come into the house, use antibacterial wipes wherever possible and just get on with it.

Your father is a mensch. Good wishes to you and your family.

Not unreasonable in the slightest. These are exceptional circumstances and I would hope anyone with any compassion would recognize that.

I would explain to the children (well, your H) that you won't be having Christmas Day on the 25th, but when your son is feeling better. Then have Christmas at another date with your children and your stepchildren and that way no one is excluded.

I see you've updated, I think you've done the best you can in the circumstances. I wish your son a speedy recovery.

OP, I agree that it may do the DSC good to see why it was that you didn't want them to come. It sounds like it's been explained to them as rejection, and they need to understand that it isn't. It's also never to early to learn that sometimes other people must come first, and perhaps they will be able to take away a really positive lesson from the experience. If you can give them special tasks to help out, maybe it will help them feel important and that they've done something to help.

nkf--are you awesomesauce?

The more this thread goes on the sorrier I am for the DSDs who will now have a rubbish afternoon just so their mother can score points off the op. Thats not directed at the op who is doing the best she can with a terrible situation by the way, it's solely directed at the XP who is a caaah.

Hope your wee one comes through his session quickly op and I wish you all the best.