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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

191 replies

CoreOfLore · 21/12/2012 15:09

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear Xmas Envy), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend ChristmasXmas Angry

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
financialwizard · 21/12/2012 16:09

OP tell them to get stuffed. I cannot believe the audacity of the ex or mil.

Of course your son should come first this year. My thoughts and prayers are with you xxx

Original poster
CoreOfLore · 21/12/2012 16:09

Sorry, I keep writing replies but my internet keeps cutting out Xmas Angry

Chrismissy As I said in my OP, had DH Ex not agreed to have them, arrangements would have been made. As it is she agreed to keep them home with her but has now changed her mind.

Could I find someone to come and pick them up? Yes, I'm sure almost anybody would do it without question, but I do not feel comfortable, morally, asking people two days before Christmas to rearrange their plans to make a 2-3 hour round trip to drop my DSC off. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for my children either.

Sister cannot take them as she will have my older 3 as well as her DC, Which is actually the reason my youngest two have to stay home. Thankfully they are a bit young to fully grasp the concept of Christmas.

If worst comes to worst, I'm sure a local family would be willing to help out for a few hours, but surely that is a horrible Christmas?

ZZZenAgain There is DSD(9),DSS(7) and DSD(6)

OP posts:
MadamFolly · 21/12/2012 16:10

YANBU, DS needs to be the priority when he is so ill.

Why do they hate you? Were you the OW? Not that it matters for this situation.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 16:11

If she had agreed to have them and has changed her mind, then it is her problem and nobody else's. Certainly not yours.

ouryve · 21/12/2012 16:11

Oh, good grief, YANBU.

irishkitkat · 21/12/2012 16:13

I would tell the DSC and their DM that the children are more than welcome to spend 25th of December at your home but it will NOT be Christmas Day. You have decided that Christmas will be postponed until your DS has recovered and this applies to all the children in your family. If the DSC want to come and spend the day then let them but I'm assuming they are old enough to be left doing quiet activities while you and your DH nurse your DS. This may seem harsh but it is presumably what would happen in an 'intact' family with one extremely poorly child - Christmas would move to a date when all the children could enjoy it.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 21/12/2012 16:13

Does the children's mother have any reason for changing her mind about looking after her own children on Christmas day ?
Seems staggeringly inconsiderate in the circumstances ?

Splinters · 21/12/2012 16:14

Yanbu. We'll all be cheering when we hear your foot slam down, op. And I do wish you as peaceful a few days as possible and hope your DS's treatment is successful.

ZZZenAgain · 21/12/2012 16:16

what I really don't understand is hasn't the ex already made arrangements to celebrate Christmas at home with her dc this year? The simplest thing all round would be for her to do that really.

The upset 9 year old needs her dad to come round for a talk though. How would that go down if dh goes over and speaks to ex in person and then with his children? I realise it is a 3 hour round trip but under the circumstances, might sort it out?

CheungFun · 21/12/2012 16:18

I haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to say you are definitely NOT being unreasonable OP.

I honestly cannot believe how selfish the stepchildrens mum is being (and your mil). Surely they must have some empathy and understand the situation you and your family are in even if they don't like you personally?!

I hope that your son gets well soon and it sounds as though he's had a lovely run up to Christmas with everything you've done.

Definitely put your foot down and say no to these selfish people, and explain to the stepchildren, I'm sure they will understand even if they're disappointed.

MaryPoppinsBag · 21/12/2012 16:19

YANBU what selfish pigs.

quoteunquote · 21/12/2012 16:20

The people who are applying the pressure to you to change plans, either have no understanding of chemo, or are totally horrible.

Please don't change your plans, it sounds like the best way of dealing with things given the circumstances.

It would be very unfair on the step children as much as anything, as they would have to be very subdued or it will effect you DS.

having been through chemo, I think the best idea is the one you had originally decided on, anyone adding unnecessary stress to any of your lives is nasty.

send them all an email, explain you are sticking to the original plan, and you have no spare energy to discuss it.

good luck

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 16:21

OP, I really think you have got to find a way of putting up a wall and insulating yourself from this nonsense. You have enough on your mind already.

MolehillAlchemy · 21/12/2012 16:22

YADNBU! A child recovering from chemo at Christmas trumps everything surely. What you need is some compassion, and people doing every possible thing they can to help, and adjust their arrangements to what's best for you and your son. It's what I would do.

I really hope you sort this out and get the support you need.

TheLightPassenger · 21/12/2012 16:23

your views are completely understandable, OP, particularly as 3 of your own children are not going to spend Xmas with you, so it's not that the dsc are being treated differently. I think it's absolutely rotten that MIL/ex are setting up a situation where the DSC feel the family are fighting NOT to have them for Xmas.

ErikNorseman · 21/12/2012 16:24

YANBU
Your MIL and the XW are horrible bitches. I'm also shocked at the one or two posters on here who seem to think that your very ill DS is being unfairly priorotised over the older children. He's having chemotherapy people! Have you any idea how ill that makes people? How on earth could anyone expect the OP and her H to put on a decent christmas when they have a tiny, ill, vomiting and miserable child to take care of? Insane.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 21/12/2012 16:25

YANBU at all, Op.
Your sister is taking your older kids, I'm sure you would love to have them with you.
But your family seems to understand that this year has to be about your little boy.
Why MIL and ex do not see this is beyond me.
All the best for your ds.

Jingleallthejay · 21/12/2012 16:25

Oh poor you mil has been in to your stepchildrens mum ear hasn't she you are going to have a poorly boy on christmas day Sad Id let the children go to MILs then if she is so upset , silly cow her not you

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 21/12/2012 16:27

Ex can take the SDs to MILs, or MIL can visit the XPs surely? And, if your DS is up doing ok, DP could pop round for an hour as a compromise. Further than that I would not go.

My only thought is, have you perhaps shielded the SDs from the situation? Do they know how ill your DS is? Perhaps if you have (naturally) kept the worst from them, and the XP is stirring things, it may be worth having another discussion with them? A 9 yo is plenty old enough to understand the situation so I wonder why they went along with the phone call to your DP IYSWIM?

But YANBU. Peace and light to you and your family this season and I'm sorry you are being put under so much stress by people who are parents themselves and should know better.

ChocolateCoins · 21/12/2012 16:36

Your poor DS. I hope he recovers soon. Thus must be so stressful for you. I really can't believe your mil and exW are being like this!

I haven't read the whole thread but another idea, and comprise, could be to celebrate Christmas a few days later so you can al spend it together when your DS is feeling bit better? I know it's not really the same though but an idea? Much better for your DS as he will e able to enjoy his Christmas too.

Definitely put your foot Down and say no to DSC coming over on Christmas day though. It's not fair on anyone for them to be there. Can't believe exW wouldn't want to spend Christmas with her own children! Shocking.

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2012 17:09

Your mil is disgusting.

I probably wouldn't speak to her ever again after this.

Are dsc aware that your older children also are having Xmas day elsewhere as you are just not celebrating it? Might make them feel better.

Either way I would not be changing my plans, like it or lump it everyone else.

letseatgrandma · 21/12/2012 18:22

I'm stunned. Why on earth do they dislike you so much?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/12/2012 18:39

Unfuckingbelievable, your MIL is.

YANBU.

As if you don't have enough crap to have to deal with.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 21/12/2012 19:09

YANBU and I cant not believe not only how nasty your fucking bitch MIL and your DHs ex is being! Disgusting way to behave!

I'm also stumped as to why the ex is fighting now to NOT have her kids with her for christmas Xmas Confused I know a couple of people who share custody (and christmases) with their ex and they would be delighted to have an extra year with them. Although not under these circumstances Sad

All the best for your little boy. I'm [shocked] at some of the responses btw. Hello the little boy is having chemo. He's ill They haven't ditched the DSC to bugger off to Disney Land!

talkingnonsense · 21/12/2012 20:19

If you end up with the dsc, Do Not allow mil to see them.