To refuse to have my stepchildren over Christmas?

[CoreOfLore]

I know it sounds horrid but here me out. Long time user, same old story.

Late last year DS(4) was diagnosed with a stage 3 Wilms tumor, and is currently having Chemo and Radiotherapy every fortnight. Unfortunately, his next session will be on the 23rd, which will result in a very sad Christmas for my family, especially as DS suffers the worst of the side effects during the two to four days following treatment.

As a result of this we've crammed as much Christmas fun and joy into the last month and come Christmas we will have a quiet night and early morning, after which my sister will come and take my three older children to my family, and just try and give them a fun filled Christmas, while DH and I stay at home taking care of DS and our two younger DD's.

These plans were made after triple checking with DH EX to ensure that she was willing to have my 3 DSC over Christmas, as if she wasn't, we were going to have to make arrangements for them to go to either mine or DH family. She was fine with it, the above arrangements were made, and everyone was as happy as can be given the circumstances.

For the last week or so we've had MIL calling up crying because she never gets to see the DSC (Not true, not only do we take them around to see her, but she is still close to ex, who takes them around to see ther!) how we are selfish, how we don't care about the DSC at all and about how 'not everything can revolve around DS' (You might of noticed how she hasn't said anything about DH and Mine children, but that's another thread). Anyway, about two days ago EX calls up and starts yelling about much the same as MIL (Raise their hand who thinks MIL has been whispering into her ear ), and how she refuses to allow DH to cheat his parental obligations and THEN puts DSD(9) on the phone to beg to be allowed to come and spend Christmas

I really am against this because in order for them to stay THIS Christmas one of two things will need to happen A. DH will need to take them to his family, because even though MIL demands that they be there she refuses to pick them up, leaving me alone with DS, who will be suffering symptoms similar to Norovirus, and our two babies or B. We will have to try and entertain them at home while trying to look after DS, which isn't fair on anyone.

So would I be totally unreasonable to just put my foot down and say NO, as unfair as it may be, they just cannot come this year? I feel like I just need to take the decision out of DH hands as I can feel him caving, especially when EX puts a crying DSD on the phone, but I don't think I can deal with that this year. It really is making an already very stressful time even more so.

So, AIBU?

YANBU!

Surprised the ex isnt happy to have the kids for Christmas her self i'f be gutted to not spend christmas with my children. Wouldn't be trying to pass them off!

Please excuse my ignorance of the subject, but doesn't chemo suppress the immune system? Surely the last thing your DS needs days after a session is 3 children he doesn't see daily bringing extra/unfamiliar germs in the house?

The ex agreed to have them. End of. Possibly a bit tasteless, but are there any youtube videos showing what chemo does to you/side effects? Send her a link and tell her that's what her DCs will be exposed to if they spend Xmas at yours.

MIL is also being a selfish cow. If you do have DSC over, tell her if she wants to see them, she can come over so she can see just what it's like to look after a child undergoing chemo.

Coreoflore, I am so sorry you and your family are going through such a hard time. I hope your little boy gets well soon.
Obviously YANBU. I've read sme good suggestions in the replies and afraid I have none to add.
Really, some people's behaviour beggars belief! Surely no one can benefit from this change of plan.
Put foot firmly down. I hope chips coping with the pessure.
My thoughts are with you and your precious ds.

Chemo does destroy white blood cells, which are the most important part of the immune/ fighting infection system. He must not be put in a situation where he is at risk from other peoples germs. Your DH has to assert himself with EX and MI. They are unbelievable!

Your MIL is a wanker, I totally agree with what digerd has posted. If our MIL wants to see the then tell her to go to your husbands ex's house.

Is your husband your ds's dad?

Look after your poorly boy, have a special belated Christmas when he is feeling a bit better and explain to your stepchildren that you would have loved to have seen them but couldn't. They will understand. And don't waste anymore of your precious energy on MIL/EX - they sound like scum!

Put your foot down and keep it down!

Wishing your DS well

I know your poor Dcs vomiting will be due to the chemo and not infection related, but all vomit has to be considered a bio-hazard (careful handwashing etc) as it will have gut bacteria present.

Say to both idiots MIL and ex, that you can't put the DSC in a situation where potentially they could become ill and get a vomiting bug. These things can spread. A nurse told you so (I am).

Also as said above with the compromised immune system, but again put a spin on it that he could be picking things up from hospital, best avoided by the other children.

These people are selfish, use their language!

And then look after yourselves.

Just say no. Who cares if they hate you, you have far more important things to worry about. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

OP you appear to be an extremely reasonable person doing their best in an extremely difficult situation. So whatever you decide, I am sure YANBU.

As for the above. Please remember that the silver lining to the awfulness of the situation you find yourself in is that the 'normal' rules of give and take are suspended. If you need help, you are allowed to ask. No friend will mind, even if they are not able to help you on the particular occasion.

Seriously, you do not have to worry about asking. Probably most of your friends are desperate to help but don't know what to offer.

Wishing you and your family all the best or Christmas and 2013.

PS Your MiL and dh's EX are acting like unfeeling bitches

Just posting to say my heart goes out to you..wish I could help you ....please do not allow other children there...the immuno-suppressed thing. This nine year old girl needs a firm ,logical ,talking to...she is a big girl for such manipulation.Wishing you all that is positive and good.

How awful! You have more than enough going on so sorry to hear about your DS, that must be so worrying and scary for you . You say you DHs Ex is still friendly with MIL so could she not take her DDs to MIL of her own accord and fetch them back. Also more to the point does she not want to spend Xmas with her own DDs?

no advice op, but can I just your ds better x

so sorry that you're going through this OP. Poor ds.
Your MIL sounds vile.

Really sad for you, OP, and hope you can get this resolved soon. The posters who think you're being unfair to "favour" your DS clearly have no idea what they're talking about: my own DS has cancer and had several cycles of chemotherapy last year, and the side-effects were really unpleasant, not just a bit of mild vomiting. (Also, following on from what SantasLittleElfycat said, all of my DS's bodily fluids were considered hazardous for several days following chemo because that's how the drugs were excreted - we had to be very careful and wear gloves when changing nappies, cleaning up sick and so. You don't really want any more children around in these circumstances than you absolutely must.)

There's a great "Children with cancer" thread in the children's health section - come and join us if you'd like. It's a great place to vent, and there are lots of us who are going through the same thing and will happily rant with you!

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been said. Is your son not immuno-suppressed right now? I can't see how you can safely have your DSC over at the moment.
What a terrible situation they have put you in .

I do feel sorry for the step kids-neither of their parents wants them for xmas
is your DH Ds's father?
Could DS not have the step children at his mother in laws over xmas, while you nurse DS

'Dh have the step kids at his MILs'

I think MIL and EX sound bullying. Poorly DS deserves to come first at the moment. When he is good and well again, everyone else will get their turn. Stay strong and go with your gut instinct.

oldpeculiar it is bloody unfair and untrue to say that their father doesn't want them

it is not what is best for them, for the ill child or for anyone else except the ex and MIL

do you REALLY think OP nursing a very sick child on her own with her dh away is the best option?

I just don't understand how some people think!

She will be nursing him and looking after 2 babies alone in that case

oldpeculiar the OP needs her dh to be there to help her.

Could the babies not go with the DH and step kids tio the MILs .Surely it would give him more peace and quiet.I am not suggesting that the DH doesn't want his kids on xmas day, but that is probably how his kids wuill see it.

I suppose they could but I think a very sick little boy could do with his dad, the father will be worried about his ds the whole time and OP and her d h might need each other. IT is an exceptional situation IMO