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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bad about lying to my children?

238 replies

Meggymoodle · 19/12/2012 14:25

Father Christmas. Totally acceptable lying.

Don't get me wrong, we "do" Father Christmas but I'm not convinced about the ethics of lying to my sprogs.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 19/12/2012 14:27

I don't see how it's lying,before joining MN I never considered that there could be an ethical issue with it. It's a sweet childhood tradition.

Nobody is seriously scarred by discovering that Father Christmas doesn't exist are they?

Original poster
Meggymoodle · 19/12/2012 14:29

Probably not - I wasn't, but it is still lying, however you look at it.

OP posts:
yellowsubmarine53 · 19/12/2012 14:29

Don't big it up then. Just be a bit offhand - yes, dear, people do say that FC will come on Christmas eve, no, dear, I don't know how many elves help him etc

EuroShopperEnergyDrink · 19/12/2012 14:30

The ethics of lying?

I doubt a few magical years of Santa will enable them to become pathological liars who lie to their spouses/employers/banks about things of a sinister nature.

SamSmalaidh · 19/12/2012 14:31

Don't lie then Confused

You can still do the excitement/magic/game/story of Father Christmas without lying about him being an actual real person.

Davsmum · 19/12/2012 14:34

What?... you never lie about anything to your children??

I would not condone or advocate lying, however, I don't think I have ever met a parent who has not lied about something, sometime, to their kids.

potoftea · 19/12/2012 14:36

While mine were very young and just excepted what I said, I told them all about Santa etc. But when dd really looked at me and asked serious questions regarding the logistics of him traveling through time zones and making enough toys for every child in the world, I felt really bad lying to her as she was putting so much thought into it.
So I told her the truth, she was only 7 which is young to lots of people; but I felt it was disrespectful to her to lie anymore. Her brothers didn't ask serious questions till later, so believed until 9 or so.

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 19/12/2012 14:39

Am i the only that told the dds the ice cream is playing music to make people happy because he is all out of ice cream?!

What Euro said I doubt a few magical years of Santa will enable them to become pathological liars who lie to their spouses/employers/banks about things of a sinister nature.

It never occurred to me anyone would have an issue with it until joining MN.

goldenlula · 19/12/2012 14:48

I never considered it to be lying until I read it on here, I just thought of it (and still do despite what I have read) as a little childhood magic between parents and their children. I do lie to my children though, the ice cream van one has been used several times, I have lied about the time when I want them in bed early, told them things I have bought for them as presents when they are with me are for some one else, told them their heads will cave in if they keep picking their noses, oh the list is endless Xmas Blush

rubberglove · 19/12/2012 14:55

It's very black and white thinking, to take a moral and carry it through to extreme.

Yes generally lying is wrong, but can you honestly say every lie ever told was unacceptable?

And people who are very rigid about rules and can never accept shades of grey or moral grey areas can be quite dysfunctional.

squeakytoy · 19/12/2012 14:56

It isnt lying, it is called fuelling a childs imagination. Grin

If you took it to such extremes you wouldnt let your child read fiction books, because after all, they are all lies.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 19/12/2012 15:01

YABU.... have you no tradition of 'kidding' in your family? No jokes? No teasing? Is everything told between adults and children the strict unvarnished scientifically proven truth? V dull if so. One of my fondest memories of my late grandfather was his insistence that the stone lions in the local park came alive at night. We knew it couldn't be true but he wouldn't be budged. Brilliant fun!

rubberglove · 19/12/2012 15:15

Absolutely Cogito

Davsmum · 19/12/2012 15:17

Cogit,

Thats a lovely example of when 'lying' is both acceptable and fun!
My Dad used to make up tales similiar to that - and we loved his daft tales!

You may as well say don't let your kids read fiction if 'lying' is so wrong!

stargirl1701 · 19/12/2012 15:24

Tell them your DH is FC. They won't believe you and you won't have lied.

It'd be more amusing to tell them DH is the tooth fairy Grin

BerryChristmas · 19/12/2012 15:26

I think if I see the word "lying" and "Santa/FC" in the same sentence again on MN I will scream, scream, scream.

Just do what you fucking like and don't go on about it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/12/2012 15:26

Why is everything "the truth" or "lying" these days? I was under the impression it was telling children stories and make believe for them?

valiumredhead · 19/12/2012 15:35

You can still do FC without the lying. That's what we have always done.

MrsMelons · 19/12/2012 15:40

I have never heard about this obsession with 'lying' and 'Father Christmas' and all these MN threads about it. How can anyone actually feel bad about it?

I have never met anyone who is actually scarred by the fact their parents lied about Father Christmas. In fact most people actually want to pass that magic onto their kids.

I think children figure it all out quite gradually so its not like it is sprung on them whilst they are blissfully unaware.

Its a lovely story and not completely untrue - I always thought I would get round it by saying about St Nicholas and that we now help to keep the tradition alive so it doesn't ruin it completely when they stop believing.

Anyway - I am going to Lapland to see the real FC so there - he is true!!!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 19/12/2012 16:16

"but it is still lying, however you look at it. "

There is a difference between 'lying' and the 'suspension of disbelief'. IME children, once they get old enough to think, are more than happy to go for the latter..... magicians, ventriloquists, special effects.... and really enjoy the pretence.

CailinDana · 19/12/2012 16:53

I'm one of the few who do believe it is lying, mainly because the whole Santa thing pissed me off mightily as a child. I won't be doing it with my children. I will talk about Santa and the myth and story of it but I won't in any way imply that it's real.

Comparing it to stories or puppet shows is really odd - it is very very obvious to the child that those things are just pretend. Santa however is put across to children as a real, living person. That's not make believe, that's lying. A few of my friends and some of my family members threaten their children using Santa. It's horrible and such a nasty way to abuse your child's trust. There's no point in building up a fantasy if you're only going to use it to stress your child out for weeks on end. I appreciate most parents don't do that though.

Basically if my child asks me a question I'm going to tell him the truth, I think that's my duty as a parent. I know that's my own hang up because being lied to as a child drove me around the twist and I would hate for my child to feel that way.

valiumredhead · 19/12/2012 16:59

That's what we did Cailin - presented it as a nice tradition/story and nothing more.

SamSmalaidh · 19/12/2012 17:10

Lots of people do tell complicated lies to their children to ensure they continue to believe Father Christmas is a real person though! There have been threads on mumsnet about how to deal with a child who has asked for the truth before the parents are ready, or children who are upset to learn the truth. That isn't telling a story or make believe or suspension of disbelief in my opinion because the child isn't in on it.

tunnocksteacake · 19/12/2012 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 19/12/2012 17:16

Oh christ alive! We are now discussing the ethics of FC? Fuck me sometimes i feel like ive slipped into an alternate reality.

If your not comfortable with it op then tell them the truth Hmm

Personally i am comfortable with telling my DD things that aren't strictly true whilst shes little. Tooth fairy, easter bunny, santa, fairies. All part of childhood that i wouldn't want to spoil due to 'ethics'.

I don't lie to her about important things like death, illness, the world etc. but things that make her childhood a little bit more magical, i'd lie through my back teeth for that.