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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel bad about lying to my children?

238 replies

Meggymoodle · 19/12/2012 14:25

Father Christmas. Totally acceptable lying.

Don't get me wrong, we "do" Father Christmas but I'm not convinced about the ethics of lying to my sprogs.

OP posts:

lovescake83 · 20/12/2012 00:22

I do think life is full of lies, but if they make a kid smile on xmas day, tell that lie!

Imabadmum · 20/12/2012 00:25

I feel sad and sorry for children who aren't allowed to believe in the magic and wonder of father Christmas. It's not lying, it's creating a world of wonder and magic, that is exciting beyond belief. I think that parents who only ever tell their children the brutal and honest truth, deny them some of the innocence of their childhoods.
My older two girls, now 13 & 14 know, but my boys (4&5) believe. Girls are not scarred or compulsive liars, but enjoy the magic and wonder created for the younger two.
It will be a sad sad day when those truth-only parents spoil Christmas for everyone else's kids.

ViperInTheManger · 20/12/2012 00:26

I think life is definately full of lies! We tell them all the time, in the most positive of ways, to encourage our children.

Within reason, I think lying to our children is a very good thing.

Marzipanface · 20/12/2012 00:26

I'm with Cailin. It IS lying. Telling your innocent and gullible kids that Father Christmas is real, jangling sleigh bells outside their door, icing sugar footprints and any other trickery you pull is just deceitful. As parents you shouldn't be knowingly lying to your child especially as when they start school they will find out.

I remember feeling quite silly for believing when I was younger and angry that my parents never gave me a direct answer when I asked. Even though my parents never tried to convince me, they would say 'some people believe... '

And taking them to 'see' FC in Lapland is the biggest lie of all. How embarrassed will they be when they get older?

Marzipanface · 20/12/2012 00:27

And no, I don't intend to steal magic from my kids, but I'm not going to go to great lengths to convince them.

lovescake83 · 20/12/2012 00:29

But how disdainful they will be of their believing classmates! So and so believes in FC, what a fool! etc and how isolating :(

Marzipanface · 20/12/2012 00:33

You can teach them to be respectful of beliefs.

lovescake83 · 20/12/2012 00:41

I dont think that at four or five you could teach them that most kids believe in this santa guy, you dont because we never lied to you but so and so does so dont spill the beans because he will be upset that you ruined his fantasy.

Seems like the perfect way to isolate them to me.

Imabadmum · 20/12/2012 01:14

Marzipanface - you cannot tell kids to not spill the beans, and it's a secret etc etc. if they know something they cannot wait to inform everyone of their classmates of how worldly and grown up they are, and how stupid so-and-so is for believing. That is more damaging. I have felt angry with other peoples kids for spoiling Christmas for my kids by blurting out the "truth" and you are the parents who engender that.

When my older two starting asking questions, at about 11/12 we told them. But prior to that we did everything we could to build on the magic of Father Christmas, mince pies by the fire, sooty footprints, sleigh bells outside the window, the whole 9yards. And now they know, they say they wished they still believed, because it was magical and exciting. I am glad I was able to give them that just for a few short years.

Please don't spoil it for everyone else's kids?

MissCellania · 20/12/2012 01:19

bollocks. You lie to your children all the time, we all do. We all lie all the time. Anyone who says they never lie is the worst kind of pants on fire. Cogito Ergo Mentire.

Also they don't find out when the go to school, ime they just feel a bit sorry for the poor kid with the po faced parents who are above a bot of storytelling for fun.

Imabadmum · 20/12/2012 01:22

Misscellania, glad I'm not alone.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 20/12/2012 02:06

What a load of bollocks, sorry i have to say it..
With all that is happening in this world, the real world shouldn't a child see and feel some magic.
Didn't do me or the majority of others any harm and if it makes a child happy why not?, what is the harm in it?

Sure around 11 when a child finds out the truth they may be pissed off with you for a moment, but it doesn't last long & as they get older they realise just how special you made christmas by that one little white lie, well it isn't technically a lie as St Nich did exist once....

Christmas for young dc wouldn't be the same without the magic of Santa thrown in

Kids grow up, let them have fun before you bore them with too much reality.

Marzipanface · 20/12/2012 06:09

11/12?? You really keep it going that long? That in itself is strange. A secondary school pupil still believing in FC? Did they still believe in the tooth fairy?

I knew it was make believe as soon as I got school. And no, I didn't spoil for everyone, as I had younger siblings.

Just to be clear. I am happy to go along with the whole 'some people believe' train of thought and be just as vague as my mum was so as not to spoil the magic for my children, but to take them to Lapland, convince them the man in a fake beard is really FC and sprinkle soot or whatever outside their door is really not fair.

I say this, because as soon as it dawned on me that FC couldn't really exist and was just a bit of a story, it made more sense to me but I found it immensely annoying that for ages my mum wouldn't admit it. I knew she was lying by omission. I found that really confusing. I think if she had started ringing sleigh bells outside the door and so on, I would have been more upset but as it was she was always deliberately vague.

nooka · 20/12/2012 06:44

I didn't have Santa stuff growing up, and I had magical wonderful Christmases (except for the times I got upset because I was given presents I didn't like, but I assume that must be true for everyone - or maybe it's worse if you think everything comes from a magic all knowing person).

I've not done Santa for my children because it would be very alien to me and I find the lengths that some people go to make Santa 'real' just bizarre. dh had Santa when he was small and didn't care either way, so I'm not convinced it's a wonderful special thing for everyone.

My children are 13/12 and I've asked them if they felt left out or unhappy that we didn't do Santa and they looked very surprised and said that they weren't in any way bothered. When they were younger it just never came up as an issue, apart from being a bit irritated about 'what is Santa bringing you' type questions sometimes it's been a total non issue.

When they were younger and had friends around before Christmas it wasn't something that they talked about and they were of course drilled not to say anything 'upsetting' in the same way as they were discouraged from telling religious members of the family that they didn't believe in God.

festivelyfocussed · 20/12/2012 07:23

What do you mean Santa isn't real?!
My childhood memories of believing in FC, and the magic of C eve have stayed with me and enrich my enjoyment of Christmas. Now I have a son and I wouldn't dream of denying him those special experiences. I think it's simpistic to call it lying. These childhood traditions are an important part of human experience.

MrsDeVere · 20/12/2012 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 20/12/2012 07:48

I have heard it all now- 'it isn't fair to take your DC to Lapland' !

exoticfruits · 20/12/2012 07:49

It is the sort of statement that makes MN so addictive- nowhere else do you get such funny views!

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn · 20/12/2012 08:20

And taking them to 'see' FC in Lapland is the biggest lie of all. How embarrassed will they be when they get older?

Not at all I imagine. By the time they don't believe they will be able to see it as a fabulous and magical holiday.

You're overthinking this.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 20/12/2012 08:22

Parents lie! It's part of good parenting.

rubberglove · 20/12/2012 08:23

Just bizzare. There are real problems damaging children in this world, Santa is not one of them.

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn · 20/12/2012 08:24

I am 2/3 of my way through Santa. Both boys no longer believe but are they embarrassed about the reindeer food we used to throw outside? No, they laugh and remember the time we threw it down the garden path at their grandparent's house right into the face of a pizza delivery man.

If they were in any way "traumatised" or embarrassed by it they wouldn't be helping to perpetuate it for their little sister. DS1 (nearly 14) wrote his letter to santa as usual and complained that I had told him I would "tell santa" there was a mistake on it and hadn't done it.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 20/12/2012 08:24

Also, kids aren't just young adults.They need imagination and wonder. This isn't lying and YABU.

shesariver · 20/12/2012 08:40

And taking them to 'see' FC in Lapland is the biggest lie of all. How embarrassed will they be when they get older?

Oh ffs Ive really heard it all now hahaha! You really have a skewed and twisted thinking pattern if you really think children will grow up embarrassed, instead of remembering a great fun family holiday - childhood is all about creating memories for your children that will last a lifetime. My 19 year old DS is not strangely traumatised at all or embarrassed with all the annual trips to grottos

MrsChristmasBungle · 20/12/2012 08:45

Finding out Santa isn't real really makes kids feel embarrassed and lied to?! I've never heard anything like that before.

I'll continue in the lie for my kids. Some of my best memories are of Christmas eve and being convinced I could hear sleigh bells. It's a harmless fairy story.

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