about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

[tbwagg]

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

grolier

how do you know Op doesn't have a very time consuming, low paying job that is fitted in around her studies and after all her bills are paid she has nothing left to save?

or how do you know she even can get a job? how do you know there are jobs where she is that would pay enough to save for a trip? i dont know much about all the countries you listed but i do know there are countries where women are prevented from working.

your comment about her mother fleeing her father etc is just ridiculous. you do have some inagination though.

I was thinking along the same lines actually. Especially as I have Asian friends who have stopped all communication with their families in order to be allowed to marry/love who they choose without censor.

Sometimes cultures mix poorly and the individuals involved have a clash of understanding which takes a lot of effort to get over.

Also slightly puzzled as to why a childless woman who is dual US/unspecified Asian is posting on the predominantly British mumsnet and thinking that she might get more sympathetic answers if she spoke to people in a more extended-family orientated culture.

There are lots of other asian countries where abortion is illegal.

Plus, local wage in any of the countries you mention is very unlikely to pay 20pounds per day. The minimum wage in Myanmar, for example, at full time rate works out to be US$401 per year.

That said, I'm also perplexed by all this. Why mumsnet?

Bloody hell. This is one thread I wish I had never read.

My day was so much better before I realised that there really are people on the world who behave like this.

YABU.

Have you considered therapy OP ? You seem very dependent on your brother, trying to dictate to him what he can and cannot do , whom he may have relationships with etc.

It doesnt sound healthy at all. Its really not normal to behave they way you are towards him and his potential family.

Oh FFS. DB girlfriend is not going to have an abortion. The pair of them are going to have the baby. OP has come across as a right bitch but I would bet my right kidney that this time next year she will be completely in love with this baby and so will her Mum. Her Brother and his missus SO aren't going to do this. But I'm dying for this to work out for the two of them if they go for the abortion or not. They really, really sound alright to me.

Agreed Bridget but I'd substitute one line.

'...this time next year she will be completely in love with this baby and so will her Mum.'

For

'... This time next year they will be exerting their control over all three of them and not just the brother.'

I think they sound alright too.

YABVU he is behaving responsibly whereas you are behaving like a child. He quite rightly wants to support his gf. Stop hassling him about booking a ticket and go on your own.

Ah, forgetmenots, you forget the fact that he is totally standing up for himself and his little family now. This time next year he will be with his little family that he has stood up for and looked after - and I bloody hope they're happy!

OP, have you thought about offering support to your brother and his missus if they go ahead and have the baby?

No you're right Bridget. Should have said trying to exert control :)
I bloody hope so too, you're spot on. I don't think there will be any abortion or split either. Wouldn't be surprised at all :)

Have they decided to keep the baby now, or is that image a work of imagination?

I think the OP has been torn to shreds here. A lot of people providing character assassinations and jolly well enjoying doing so. Controlling, sad, childish, Flowers In The Attic...etc.

I don't think that's the case. I think the OP is misguided, but not a horrible person. I think she might be the victim of being manipulated herself tbh.
There is alot of angst going on here...a lot of 'my mother needs' and 'mother is the most important'.
The Op is clearly upset when she shouldn't be.

I don't think she's nasty or demanding...I think she has lost perspective because she is being pressured.

Go easy people. x

Pictish just a hunch from me. I don't think she is a bad person either, as I told her up thread. I think it's a typical dysfunctional family with mother at the centre and sister doing her bidding, even if its unconscious. You're right, I think the OP has probably got her own pressures to contend with. I just wouldn't be surprised if the aborion and split story (which sounds odd) is a way of her DB buying a bit of time and releasing a pressure valve. May of course be well off track.

She does, though, have a responsibility for her own actions which aren't pleasant. She is still young though and this thread might have opened her eyes.