about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

[tbwagg]

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

He might want to come but he has told you that he wants to support his girlfriend through a difficult time even more. Why can't you accept that?

i just felt like he should go home

How many times. WHAT YOU FEEL YOUR BROTHER SHOULD DO IS IRRELEVANT. Hes an adult. He should do what HE feels right. And the best way you can support him is by not judging his decisions but just to accept them.

You don't think it is selfish to be putting the guilts on your brother when he is supporting his pregnant girlfriend through a very difficult and emotionally upsetting time? Essentially making him choose between your lonely depressed mum and his pregnant, depressed girlfriend?

You seem to have issues with empathy. You don't have to be/have been in a situation to show or feel empathy. It's very strange how you can't grasp how she could feel.

You can't imagine passing up on the chance? So if your partner (lets pretend you had one) had something serious going on in his life that meant he could be going through a serious medical procedure, companied with devastating emotional effects - you'd leave him on his own to deal with it?

Oh and sorry but it doesn't matter if your mother is lonely and depressed. YOU are going seeing her. Yet you still feel your brother should leave his girlfriend who is also depressed, AND carrying his baby?

You are selfish, extremely so.

I feel very sorry for his girlfriend, I don't think I'd like to be part of your family if this is how you treat people/

You aren't taking anything on board

I'm sure your brother is very conflicted but he is not you and all I can here is "wah wah this is what I think".

I actually think your mum should be incredibly proud of her son. I know I would be if it were my son in his position and I would not even question why he couldnt come.

I would be horrified if my dd told my ds that I had to the most important person to him until he married. I want to be important to him, but I hope he will have lots of loved ones and people important to him when he is an adult.

I would be proud of my son if hr acted like your brother and unless your mum has been working for the last 2 years, everyday I am sure she could have got over to see you. If it was so important that he should leave his pregnant of to the aftermath of an abortion.

tbwagg, it's painfully obvious that you don't understand your brother's situation or his GF's situation. One day, when you are older and have had more life experience, you may look back very uncomfortably on this situation. In fact, in the nicest possible way, I really hope that you will be ashamed of this reaction one day.

Of course your Mum is important and you value her immensely. But even though you don't yet understand this, the fact that you love and miss your mother (and she loves and misses you) is not more important than any and all other life events that could happen and other needs and duties that can arise.

You have repeatedly tried to minimise the frightening situation that your brother's GF. You don't appear to understand that your brother may also be personally very distraught. This is incredibly incredibly sad.

Why not just tell your brother that you love him, that you don't understand the enormity of what he is going through (both these facts are true) and that you will do whatever he needs you to do in order to support him and his GF.

do you know i think i'm starting to understand this "mum is the most important person to us, isn't she DB? repeat after me. mum is the most important" i think it's your own guilt that you haven't been to see her in 2 years and you want your DB to share the responsibility of not seeing her with you. i dont think she can really be the most important person because if she is as lonely as you say then it wouldn't even be a question of your brother having to go. you would just go yourself regardless of what he is doing. i think you tell yourself this "she is the most important person thing" to make yourself feel better about not being with her. i've heard absent parents use the same line about their dcs and tbh it never washes with me then either.

If she knows, you should definitely apologise to his girlfriend - you are way out of line.

Why cant your mother come and see you btw?

Oh my god you have to be taking the piss.

Its doesn't matter if he sees her as a potential wife. She is carrying his baby.

its not upto you how long your mother goes without her children. She could have made the rip at some point surely.

You will find having a long term relationship difficult if you can not imagine not putting your mother first.

Your brother is not yours or your mothers to dictate to and control

This is why you don't like her. Because you no longer control him.

I hope to god you are taking the piss. If not you need some counselling to get over your controlling nature.

Butt out OP you can't tell your brother what to do

It makes no odds at all if he is her boyfriend or not, he is dealing with the aftermath of a mistake they both made rather than leaving her to deal with it all alone.

I would be so very very proud if my brother faced up to his responsibilities like that and didn't base it on whether the girl involved was actually his partner or not.

If you are so concerned about your Mum then why leave her to study abroad, surely thats putting yourself and your needs above hers, isn't that breaking your weird agreement?

Well, OP, my brother met his girlfriend at 18. She wasn't going to be his wife or anything. They had a long distance relationship and planned to split up many times. My brother was all casual about their relationship. It wasn't that serious. He once told her they needed to be free to meet other people before settling down.

Except they are now 30 and still together, thinking about having a family. My brother adores her. He never split up with her because actually she was right for him. Luckily I always treated her like she would be around in 12 years' time. Maybe your brother's girlfriend won't be or maybe she will. And if you still want to be very close to him, it would be worth treating their relationship seriously.

he doesn't see her as a potential wife or anything, he has said this.

She's still a human being FFS. If you treated people like shit just because they weren't related to you and weren't going to have an impact on your future, you'd be an arse.

"She's still a human being FFS. If you treated people like shit just because they weren't related to you and weren't going to have an impact on your future, you'd be an arse"

totally agree.

Op this girl could be a one night stand that got pregnant and he woudl still have a responsibility as a HUMAN to support her in her decision. she has emotional and physical needs associated with abortion that he is partly responsible for, regardless of whether he met her 6 weeks ago or is married to her. he created a situation with her that they are dealing with together as mature responsible adults. i would expect no less from my sons.

Op, are you from a different culture?
Trying not to sound rude, but if you and your brother are in your 20's, no, your mum stops being the most important person in the world.
My ds is 17, and if he has a wife/partner in his 20's I'm already expecting to be second place, it's right and whatever I feel doesn't come in to it.
I just wondered if you were Mediterranean or something but I may be sounding clueless here.
Apologise if I'm wrong.

I have to say in a every narrcassitic family the mother is seen as most important in a normal family the child comes first in a dysfunctional narrcassitic family the wife/girlfriend comes lasting a normal family the wife/girlfriend/children come first and sisters putting their feet down again classic narcissist family trait op look up narcissistic personality disorder op you are obviously suffering from this as your complete disregard of another human being goes way beyond selfishishness. I am a mum and I would never want my son to put me before his pg girlfriend you make me sick.

You really don't have a clue do you op.

Grow up.

The gf may not even end up having an abortion.

Good God, OP, what on earth is wrong with you?

Everyone on here is giving you the same utterly shocked reaction, and every single thing you've said about this situation points to the fact that your brother thinks exactly the same way.

Your mother isn't the most important person in your brother's life right now - no matter what he clearly thinks it's best to tell you because you're a bulldozing interfering arse who won't shut up about it.

No he clearly doesn't think going home is more important - no matter what he clearly thinks it's best to tell you because you're a bulldozing interfering arse who won't shut up about it.

No his girlfriend isn't 'just his gf', no matter how hard you try to make it clear to him that you would like him to put her below your family in the hierarchy.

Yes he is putting her first - and??? That's what partners should do.

Yes he is supporting her at your expense - and??? You are just his sister, not his partner. Your personal life and plans for the future are not tied up with his in anything approaching the same way. You are not as important as she is.

No she doesn't at all sound needy and manipulative - but you do.

No you aren't your brother's best friend - quite the opposite - no matter how loudly you shout that. You're a person acting massively inappropriately and selfishly, interfering in parts of his life that absolutely do not concern you to a shocking extent. You are probably he and his partner's main source of stress at the moment - busybodying in the background hassling and pressuring him when even the most casual 'friend' would automatically take a step back and say 'I'm here if you need me.' Nothing any of your posts have said indicate anything approaching concern for him - it's all about you and your wants.

What you are is a pushy interfering family member, who thinks that just because they're 'faaamily', they have the right to make another's life difficult. I would bet a substantial amount of money that if your poor brother were to come on here, or his partner, we'd be hearing a story about the nightmare sister who it's actually best to just appease, let her think she's the 'closest friend', the 'confidante', anything to get her to shut up, because the fall-out isn't worth it (how many threads on family issues do we see with people struggling with this dynamic?) For once, you aren't being appeased, the situation is too important - so you're the one being told 'tough'. And so you're making his life hell (in the nicest, most caring way, of course).

I'm not surprised his gf is upset - I doubt indeed that she feels very warmly towards you. I feel sorry for your brother, and hope that he can get you off his back as soon as possible so that he and concentrate on the most important people in his life right now.

I don't believe someone could be so callous!

This could be your future niece/nephew you're talking about, what will you do then when the baby comes if they don't decide to terminate?

Words fail me, I think it's time for you to grow up.

I just wondered if you were Mediterranean or something but I may be sounding clueless here. Apologise if I'm wrong.

My mother is irish and my father is greek. Mediterranean families that I know would expect the son to face his responsibilities. Thats what is expected of both me and my brother.

We would not be expected to abandon someone because a blood relative fancies seeing us now, rather than the summer.

Has the OP explained what she means by 'he has supported her at my expense'?

Brady, I think it means that she seriously thinks that because she's his sister, she should come before his partner, simple as!

Totally nuts. I would LOVE the brother or his partner to come on here and give the other side of this - forget 'My Nightmare MIL' threads, I can guess that that poor pair spend quite a lot of time trying to keep the OP at arms length and out of their personal business. It would be better if the brother bit the bullet and told her that no, she's not his frantically close bestest buddy and the most important person in his entire life, but it's hard to deal with the fallout from these types of people. Shame they're having to deal with her at such an awful time for them, though.

talkative

Thats what i thought, I hoped not. but i am an optismist.

I lost out on time with my brother (my best friend) and best female friend. They married each other and have a baby on the way. I have never once felt he spent time with her 'at my expense'. they are in a relationship.

Do you have a boyfriend, OP?

Maybe if you had one, you'd be less emotionally dependent on your brother.