about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

[tbwagg]

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

What do you mean 'at your expense?'

OP just because she has said she is definitely getting an abortion does not mean that she is ready to do it now. it is a massive decision. she may need time to come to terms with it before she makes the appointment. you should not be trying to hurry anything along by trying to find a doctor. TBh you do not have her best interests at heart so i would worry that any doctor you found for her wouldn't be the safest or best person to do it. you just want it done quickly. if i was your DB i would tell you in no uncertain terms that your input was not welcome.

Maybe you and your brother need to stop living your lives joined at the hip, have some time away from each other so you can both live your own lives and not have to do everything together when Daddy can be bothered to throw money at you...? Your brother is an independent adult, leave him and his gf alone. You're not being a supportive, caring sister or friend, you're being a spoilt princess.

How old are you?

You need to let your brother live his own life for gods sake. I love my brothers and they tell me everything (some things I don't even want to know) but I understand that their partners come first because that's who they'll be making their own little family with!

You are only making yourself seem worse, much worse. So not only has this girl got pregnant and having an abortion, but she's been going through depression. and you wanted him to leave her whilst she's so vulnerable?

Selfishness it its highest form.

Your brother and his girlfriend are going through a very difficult time.
If your'e so close, can't you stay with them and both of you see your mum in the summer?
Maybe he needs a close family member to turn to.

it's just it feels like he's always putting her first.

And what is wrong with that? He's an adult. At some point he WILL get married and he WILL put his new family first. And you'll probably do the same too.

If he spends his entire life, pandering to you and putting you first, he'll never be happy and possibly will never end up with anyone who puts up with being second best. And I'll bet you'll drop him like a stone the second you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

You are seeing this as a competition between you and the girlfriend. You view her as a threat to your relationship with your brother. She isn't and the only person who is, is you because of your manipulative and controlling behaviour. Your insecurities will drive him away.

Relationships change and develop as you get older. They don't stay the same, and brothers and sisters quite rightly become less close as other people come into their lives. It doesn't mean they love you any less, just that they have different priorities and need to make compromises along the way.

Like I said before, you need to grow up.

Your brother should always put his partner first. Particularly when she is depressed and looking at undergoing an abortion - particularly when that abortion is illegal in your country so there is likely to be little other support for her - on top of the depression and prospective relationship breakdown this really really will be a shit Christmas for her - and given that your brother got her pg then it is is responsibility to stick with her and support her.

You might also do well to consider that as you get older and new mature relationships develop with new partners/husbands/wives/bf/gf that you might have to accept 2nd place to that relationship.

You are still coming across like a selfish spoiled little madam. What are you going to do when he gets married, kick up a fuss when his anniversary co-incides with your scrabble night and he can't attend? Bitch about the fact he chooses to attend the birth of his first child rather than have lunch with you?

Really OP get a grip, his girlfriend who is suffering from depression is making the choice whether or not to have an abortion, your view is 'well they could have had it done by now if they put their minds to it then he could come with me' this is like wallpapering a hallway or cleaning an oven, this is an upsetting, terrifying, life changing prospect for both of them whatever they decide stop going on about it and forcing your brother to apologise when he is dealing with enough as it is.

I cannot believe what i am reading, OP seriously you need to take a step back.
Your attitude is appalling.

You have not shown an ounce of sympathy towards your DB or his GF.
You are throwing your dummy out of your pram because she has not had a termination quick enough for your liking????

If only it were that fucking simple, Words well and truly fail me!!!

I admire your brother for getting his priorities the right way round and sorting out his own mistakes.
I suggest you stop interfering in his life and concentrate on your own life.

If you carry on like this, you will lose him for good!!

i guess i am coming from the position that our mother is the most important person in the world. i told him this initially, that until he does get married and have children, our mother comes first and he even agreed. he said that our mother is most important, it's just that this situation with his gf requires his attention right now, and it can't be delayed. so i guess i have to accept that.

i don't mean to come across as selfish/spoiled, just wanted to explain my reasons. of course when he gets married/have kids, i won't be upset. but we're still young (22/23) and in my mind, she's just his gf (plus they're planning to break up soon so not even a long term one).. i've been in long relationships before, but my mother and DB still come first.

anyway, i can't help but feel angry/upset, but i will not say anything. DB isn't angry with me, he's being really nice and reassuring me that i should still go. do you think i should apologise to his gf? i haven't spoken to her directly about it, but i know she knows about it and was crying over it yesterday. or should i just keep being supportive and pretend it never happened?

How would feel if you had an unwanted pregnancy and your partner decided to bugger off home and leave you to it?

Why would you even ask him to rate the people in his life in order of importance.

If I were you I would be on my hands and knees apologising to his girlfriend for her reading your self centred reaction.

The thing is, you're not just talking about his gf, this is also his child and he is making an incredibly difficult decision. I think you are naive to think this is an easy decision for either of them. Their delay in having the abortion shows that they are obviously thinking deeply about it.

Whilst it is lovely that you are so close to your brother and mother I think you need to take a step back as you are coming across as very over bearing.

i guess i am coming from the position that our mother is the most important person in the world. i told him this initially, that until he does get married and have children, our mother comes first and he even agreed.

1. Your mother is NOT the most important person in the world. She's one of several important people.
2. You told him. Yet again, its you telling your brother what his priority should be. Your priorities should be different.
3. Your partner becomes more important than other members of your family BEFORE you marry. You can not make a set point when the change happens.
4. And you ARE talking about a potential child here, so he's actually keeping to what he said.
5. Age has nothing to do with it. Some people meet someone younger than others and some mature quicker than others. I met DH when he was 22.

You feeling angry and upset is YOUR problem. You are trying to make it your brothers. Because you lack the emotional maturity of your brother. And you are adding to your brothers problems with this.

"i told him this initially, that until he does get married and have children, our mother comes first and he even agreed"

I have to disagree with this. I would hate for my children to feel that I HAD to be number 1 until they got married. There are different priorities at different times in your life and your mother is not always meant to be top of the list: education, partners, careers and so on all take precedent at certain points. I can't say I agree with the attitude you have and statement you made to him. It seems very manipulative to say to him, while trying to get him to leave behind his pregnant gf, that your mother is more important and is "first". That's unfair

But he IS having a kid, at the moment, tbwagg. And his girlfriend's need is more immediate and urgent than your mum's need. Whether he is married to his girlfriend or not, and whether or not they are keeping the child, is irrelevant, frankly - his girlfriend, who has a history of depression, is going through a very tough and emotional time, that cannot happen to your timetable - and he is doing absolutely the right thing by being with her and supporting her.

And I think you CAN help how you feel. You could try to put yourself in the girlfriend's shoes, and imagine how much tougher her life is at the moment than yours. You cannot control what life throws at you, but you absolutely CAN decide how you react to it.

Holding onto anger and upset will only hurt you and damage the relationship with your brother. Let it go, for the good of all concerned.

that until he does get married and have children, our mother comes first and he even agreed

Who do you think you are to dictate who should be the most important person to him?

Has it ever occurred to you, that he agreed because you seem to have too much influence and say over him.

How do people end up married if they put their birth families first at all times? This is really, honestly very strange OP - I don't doubt that you love your family very much but this is very childish. Your partner and yourself are a unit. What if you never marry but are lifelong partners? Are you always second?
I'm afraid that families who do this often end up splitting due to marriage, the people highlighting that as a problem are doing you a favour. Try and be more relaxed - I love my mother and we are closer than any mother and daughter I know. But to constantly put her first, over my partner who became my husband? She would have been angry for me for not living like an adult!
OP I say this kindly because I don't think you are a bad person - you need to be more secure as an individual that isn't dependent on family ties. You can love and revere relations, but they are external to you. I wish you and your brother, and his partner, luck.

and actually if he cant put his partner first when she is going through an abortion then when can he put her first? i'd be pretty disgusted with any family member who didn't put their partner first at such a difficult time in their lives.

Surely this has to be trolling? No-one could really be that callous.

i think it's very odd that you felt the need to tell your DB who the most important person in his life was, almost as if it was a pact you were making that you mother would come first. why did you feel the need to get him to agree to this?

Well he has a partner and she is pregnant so that fits your criteria.

Also - the putting his partner first will come sooner than marriage - who would marry someone that wouldn't?

I can't believe you're a couple of years older than me.

You need to have a good think about your outlook on this, a really hard think.

And 'shes just his girlfriend'? Does putting a ring on her finger automatically make her important?

And if they plan to split up, they would have done it by now. It's not a sodding holiday.

Apologise to your brother - if you have upset the gf then apologise to her. It might be good for them to deal with this without you there tbh.

It is great the he is your bf - but even in bf relationships there are boundaries - it does sound like you're going to have to address this especially if you want to continue with your friendship- these are the sort of things that do permanent damage and often come to one party forcing the other to choose - e.g. never make your db choose between you and his partner - that way misery lies whatever happens -even if you win he might end up hating you. Your relationship has to grow and you with it.

i guess i just cannot see clearly because i'm not in the situation, and it's true, i don't know how his gf feels. she is definitely not his partner, and although he cares for her, he doesn't see her as a potential wife or anything, he has said this.

obviously i care more about my mother than i do his gf, and i don't want my mother to go without her children for another six months.

for me, my mother is still the most important person in my life, and i can't imagine passing up the chance to see her like my DB is doing. i know it's really bad timing, i just felt like he should go home and see our mother when she is lonely/depressed and hasn't seen him for 2 years. anyway, like i said, i'm taking everyone's point and i will back off, i'm just upset people keep calling me selfish when i'm only trying to make my mother happy and i know my DB DOES actually want to come home.