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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

216 replies

tbwagg · 19/12/2012 12:25

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SDTGisAChristmassyWolefGenius · 19/12/2012 14:49

Maybe your brother's girlfriend is being 'needy' at the moment because she is needy at the moment? Early pregnancy hormones, christmas, university, facing the breakup of a relationship and having to make a really hard decision about an abortion. She really needs support right now, and your brother is doing absolutely the right, and admirable thing, by giving it to her.

And if you go home for new year, and then your brother goes home in the summer, your mum will get two family visits instead of one - which might spread the enjoyment for her. And you can go and hug her and reassure her for both you and your brother.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 19/12/2012 14:50

Just read your last post and you are indeed a hard selfish piece of work.

So you wanted her to quickly have an abortion to fit in with your holiday timetable? It's a huge decision that is best to sit on for a long while before putting into action. It's not reversible you know!! Once the baby is gone, it's gone. Even if they knew they were going to abort it a month ago, they have every right to take their time getting to the point of actually doing it.

Book the trip for Summer. He will be happier then and more settled hopefully. Your mother can wait, this isn't all about her and you.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 19/12/2012 14:54

No, not supporting his GF will be the biggest mistake he's made this year.

Do you always get what you want OP?

elfyrespect · 19/12/2012 14:55

Known a while? (2 weeks)
Over the worst?

Look I just don't think, for whatever reason, you're going to get it.
You are completely missing what is going on with your brother at the moment. You're not that young.

RedToothbrush · 19/12/2012 14:55

i just still feel like not going to see our mother will be the biggest mistake he's made this year.

Newsflash: If thats the case it HIS mistake to make. NOT YOURS.

Stop pressuring him, and trying to make decisions for him.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 19/12/2012 14:55

Seems like he's old enough to make his own mistakes, and deal with the consequences thwagg
And credit to him, that's just what he is doing.

Basically I do also think you need to balance your concern for your Mum and parents, with concern for other members of your family, like your DBro and his GF.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 19/12/2012 14:56

But why should he rearrange things for you/the trip? His priority is his GF at the moment and you need to respect that. The baby is obviously the biggest mistake he has made this year and he is doing the adult thing by fully supporting GF. It isn't a case of getting the abortion over an done with quickly. These things take time and involve huge deep emotions. I don't understand why you can't understand that.

I expect the GF has seen you for what you truly are if she has read the messages.

GhostShip · 19/12/2012 14:57

The opening post showed disgusting selfishness.

LessMissAbs · 19/12/2012 14:57

YANBU. Get over your obsession with your DB, make some friends and buy your own ticket.

How difficult exactly is it for a grown adult to decide to go and see her own mother for Christmas, without dragging her entire family into it and making it an issue?

What a drama queen.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 19/12/2012 14:58

oh you just dont get it at all do you?

LessMissAbs · 19/12/2012 14:59

That should definately have read YABU!

RedToothbrush · 19/12/2012 15:00

Oh and if:
i HAVE been supportive and said all the right things

then you wouldn't have this problem:
i feel like his gf is really upset with me because she read me and DB's conversation about it and i don't know what to say to her now.

Your interference and telling your brother what to do, and having strong opinions about what his mistakes are, is the precise problem.

Butt out.

GhostShip · 19/12/2012 15:02

but i just thought that since they've known about it for a while he could've taken her earlier and so she'd be over the worst of it and he could come home

Jesus Christ.
Do you realise that having an abortion isn't just a split second decision to make? 'taking her earlier' might have been more convenient for you but haven't you even thought about how they feel about what could potentially be their child, your nephew or niece?

I can't believe how self involved you are.

RubyrooUK · 19/12/2012 15:03

OP, I really don't want to be horrible to you because you are young and perhaps you don't really have much empathy for the situation your brother is in because nothing like this has happened to you/someone you love before.

But often an abortion is not something you can get out of the way and be over "the worst" of it in a couple of weeks. My close friend had an abortion while we were at university. It was the right decision for the situation (she says now) but she felt terribly guilty and tried to kill herself six months later. It was awful for all of us - her most of all, of course.

This is not something your brother can walk away from and go back to having a great laugh with his friends back home. And most importantly he doesn't want to.

You say you think that this will be your brother's big mistake. I think the biggest mistake would be to leave an important life-changing event to hang out with your sister and mum.

Luckily my SIL is great but if she ever acted like this towards me, I would never ever forgive it. Bear in mind that your brother may choose to keep this child or go on to spend his life with this woman and she will always remember how you acted at this point.

Crawling · 19/12/2012 15:04

Yabvu when I was 15 I had one and abusive partner told everyone my mum had a young baby and when it went wrong I was stuck in hospital with no visitors for two weeks no support I had to walk in the clinic alone to have a termination I didn't want this caused a suicide attempt and ptsd good on your brother for supporting and dealing with his responsibility.

forgetmenots · 19/12/2012 15:09

Putting his family first OP would mean looking after his partner and child, which is what he is doing. I love my brother to bits but I have absolutely no claim over his life, or what he chooses to do with his time.

I'm glad you've decided to apologise, I'm sure he will appreciate it at what must be a difficult time.

Crawling · 19/12/2012 15:12

oh and ten years on the memory of being so scared and alone having a termination I didn't want is still harrowing and makes me break down I think you are being very selfish self centred and showing no empathy what so ever. I don't agree with termination after my experience but as hard as it would be for me to set foot in a clinic I would take my worst enemy rather than them be alone.

lannyshrops · 19/12/2012 15:13

FFS! Just go later on in the year, together. Problem solved. its not like you had even told your mother you were going and even with out the GF you were still happy for your brother to miss a week of uni??

I sincerely hope you are never in the same situation as your brothers GF...although maybe then you might understand how truly awful a situation it is to be in.

Get a grip, stop being so narcissistic, and grow up!

FiercePanda · 19/12/2012 15:18

The only person being "needy and manipulative" here is you.

I think you sound jealous of the relationship your brother has with his girlfriend. You are not the most important person in the world to him - his gf is, and more importantly she needs him more than you or your mother do.

Apologise to your brother AND his girlfriend, then back off and leave them alone. And if Daddy won't pay for you to fly home alone, suck it up and deal with it. You and Mummy will cope if you don't get things your own way, but if your DB goes home there's a real chance your brother's gf may not cope if she doesn't have the love and support she needs.

Original poster
tbwagg · 19/12/2012 15:23

i'm trying to justify myself here because i'm not actually an awful person. i have a strong opinion because my brother is my best friend, the closest person to me, and he asks my advice on everything.

it's true i don't understand what she's going through. his gf has had really bad depression for almost a year, been on antidepressants etc for other reasons, and has often spoken to me about it and i've tried my best to be supportive. and my DB has spent a lot of time and energy supporting her, often at my expense. me and her get on well normally, and she said she understands how badly we want to go home and see our mother. it's just it feels like he's always putting her first.

i'm not trying to rush her, it's just that they've been told me they're going through with the abortion but then they make no move to do it, even though i've offered to help them find a safe doctor and everything.

i'm not going to pressure him anymore, i just wanted to explain what my reasons were for wanting him to come home and why i feel it's really important that he does!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/12/2012 15:24

Agree totally with everyone, i just wanted to put the point that "the biggest mistake he has made this year" is having unprotected sex and the consequences, your mothers wants should pale into insignificance.

I thought that you mother must be really ill the way that you are insisting he goes, but as that isn't the case, you need to give him the space that he needs and is asking for.

It is you and your mother who are needy and manipulative.

Original poster
tbwagg · 19/12/2012 15:25

just clarifying, i don't mind him supporting her at my expense, i sympathise with how much she's suffered this year and i know it doesn't seem like it, but i do care about both of them!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/12/2012 15:28

"my DB has spent a lot of time and energy supporting her, often at my expense"

That is how it should be Confused.

"i'm not trying to rush her, it's just that they've been told me they're going through with the abortion but then they make no move to do it, even though i've offered to help them find a safe doctor and everything"

So you are just trying to hurry her along into committing an illegal act (as well as the emotional cost) and then she is being abandoned.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 19/12/2012 15:29

ok so this girl has depression and is on anti depressants and you still cant see why she would need A) to take time to make sure she is making teh right decision and B) the support of her partner for a bit longer than a week!

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 19/12/2012 15:30

My brother is my best friend.

He is married and an adult an I respect his choices. I don't try and manipulate him into doing what I want. Because he is my brother and best friend and I don't do that to people I love.

Your brother can home in summer.he can not be around to help his gf have an abortion in summer.

Your posts are making you sound more and more selfish. He needs to learn to stop coming to you. Advice shouldn't have manipulation in it.