about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

[tbwagg]

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

YABU.

Also, your thread title is misleading about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

do you think your db played no part in impregnating his gf at a time unsuitable to you?

Just read that post back...it sounds sarcastic. It wasn't meant to be, I genuinely think its a good idea

Buy one ticket. You want to go home for Christmas. I'm sure your Mum will be delighted to see you !

Your brother wants to stay where he is and support GF ATM and go and visit in the summer.

I think you need to take on board that GF's pregnancy and planned abortion does change things.

Sometimes our plans need to be changed for good reasons due to circumstances.

I do understand the disappointment and would cut you some slack, but essentially, the others are right, it's unfortunate for your mother that your brother can't travel home this time but she'll just have to live with it. Your brother is doing the right thing supporting his girlfriend.

You should still go, and your brother can go later next year. Your mum will be just as pleased to see you separately.

I did wonder takataka. Not a perfect situation obviously but better than the risks of an illegal abortion IMO

On the basis of your posts there, I don't think you sound like a very nice person. Even if she is sure she cannot keep it, it can't be an easy decision to have to make, yet all you're bothered about is your Dad not paying for you to see your Mum until summer.

Book your ticket, tell your Dad that your brother can't make it.

Your brother is not available to go home in New Year. His reasons are good ones. You have decided that you would rather go at NY than the summer. That's your decision but I don't think you can complain about your brother not coming when suits you when you won't countenance going when suits him.
Just present you mum with options. We can come back separately one at NY and one in the summer or we can come back together in the summer and then book the tickets based on her decision.

My brother had to miss my (first) wedding due to the same situation. I fully supported his decision. Some things are more important.

Oh and your original post is not confusing. Its painfully clear.

Your mother has far more to be proud of in your brother than she does in you, sadly.

And above all - beak OUT! If you want your brother to realise how selfish, manipulative and interfering you really are, carry on as you are. 'Telling him he needs to take her'? Unbelievable. Sounds like they are quite rightly very conflicted at the moment about the right thing to do for them both, no matter what YOU are being told. How dare you bulldoze in with your opinions on something so personal. Newsflash: you will have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what they will finally decide on this. You may get a shock.

Absolutely none of your business, any of it. But I guess if you honestly think that booking him a ticket against his wishes is a reasonable way to treat another adult, and think that if you did so he'd still think of you with respect and affection, then you won't understand any of what I've said above.

Your brother needs to support his Girlfriend in this, regardless of the fact they are planning to break up (how can you plan to break up, if you plan to break up surely you have broken up).

he is doing the right thing, not popping off on his jollies to leave his Girlfriend to face this alone.

And you might do well to stop seeing it as her abortion, her issue.

It isn't. It's a situation YOUR BROTHER is in, and at the moment it is his priority. Which is another reason that I'm sure that although you may think you're right in the middle of it, busybodying away with your opinions, you don't have a clue what's really going on between them.

how can you plan to break up, if you plan to break up surely you have broken up).

I think she means they had decided to not remain a couple once the gf moves away again.

I know lots of people who have done this. They are happy together but di not feel a ldr will work.

Our mother lives on her own. Me and DB are living and studying in our father's home country for various reasons and he has offered to fly us home to see our mother who we haven't seen for ages. our parents are separated and i know she's very lonely.

my mother cannot come here because of work, and me and DB want to go back to see extended family and our friends (we are both very homesick). i appreciate i sound selfish, it's just we have been discussing this for such a long time, and my dad keeps putting it off, and now he has finally agreed and DB says no. we have talked about this for so long, and i just know my mum would want to see us both. she lives quite near the recent school shooting in the states, and keeps saying how she wants to hold us both in her arms. i just wanted to make that happen.

i have been very kind and supportive towards both him and his gf, and i know she's very upset. she is nice, i just feel like she has a history of being needy and manipulative about my DB. they have been doing long distance for 2 years and he has put a lot of his life on hold for her. i guess i was just hoping he would put his family first. not saying he shouldn't be there for his gf, but he could do both, and it doesn't feel like he's trying to!

ok, i will not buy him a ticket and i will apologise. we did get into a bit of an argument about it, and his gf did tell him if he really wanted to go, he could. but i won't pressure him anymore.

yes they are very happy together but planning to break up because long distance was getting too difficult.

He is an adult. It's not for you to tell him what to do, or guilt-trip him. Making him feel bad about not seeing your family is not going to change the fact he has split loyalties right now. It's his life, not yours. YABVU.

If I was in this situ, and my boyfriend's sis had acted like you, man I would feel like rubbish.

Glad to see your recent post and glad if we've helped you with this.

Interested though to see you saying "was just hoping he would put his family first" because in some ways maybe he is - whether it's with his GF or not he will probably one day form his own family with somebody, as will you I expect.

I think it's important for everyone to see that their family of origin won't always be the only one to think about !

wow. i'm just completely shocked that you cant see how being with his girlfriend at this time is far more important.

also shocked at how you call her manipulative yet you talk of buying him a ticket so he has no choice but to go home.

and shocked at the fact you think you have any authority of another adult so much as to believe you buying a ticket would mean anything other than a ticket existing. it certainly wouldn't mean he had to go anywhere at all.

you get no say in this.

you get to decide whether you go to see your mum. that is all.

I'm glad you've changed your mind. He should be there for his girlfriend at this point. He has to put her first under these circumstances.

OP, having an abortion might be one of the worst moments of a woman's life. (Or in fact a man's.) Even if it is the right decision for the couple, it comes with a lot of baggage attached for many people.

I hope you never have to be in that position.

It can be a life changing decision and in no way comparable to visiting your mum. Your brother may well feel he is missing out but he is being an adult and taking responsibility for his actions. I'd be telling my brother how proud I was that he was being so mature and tell him how much I was thinking of him and his girlfriend at this really difficult time.

Then I'd support him to the hilt and tell my mum how amazing he was being to put his girlfriend first while she was having bad times (no need for detail if he wouldn't want your mum to know). So she wouldn't feel bad either and would feel happy she had such a responsible son. She would still miss him, but that's just real life.

I would want my brother to know that I supported him and his girlfriend at a really awful time for them. That's the kind of thing that people remember forever.

I am sure your Mum would love to see and hold you both. I am just as sure your Mum would be ashamed of your brother if he left his GF at this vulnerable time. Does your Mum know the situation (I am not saying that she should, as that is your brother's decision) but if at some point she does find out then I cannot believe she would put her desire to see her children before the comfort of knowing her children would do the right thing in their own lives.

You want to do something nice for your Mum. So far as it goes that's a good thing. But doing something nice for your Mum does not outweigh all other factors - including a wait of another 6 months or even a year for it to be the right time for your brother to visit.

You may think that you are being kind and supportive but nothing you have written bears that out. A young woman facing one of life's biggest and most painful decisions is not "needy and manipulative". She is in need of support and as a young woman yourself you ought to be capable of making that distinction, whatever the nature of your brother's relationship before now.

If you were to succeed in forcing your brother to visit home at this time there is more than a chance that it would sour your relationship with him for many years to come. Your Mum certainly doesn't want that outcome either.

You must be a very hard person. Surely you must know that ending the life of a fetus can lead to depression and lots of other strong emotions. GF is about to have an abortion and needs support big time. Just because they are breaking up, doesn't mean they can be good friends or supportive. He is doing the right thing by standing by her.

Book the tickets for Easter instead. Explain to parents that GF isn't very well at the moment (unsure what with) and that DB needs to be there for her.

I am glad to see your update.

Apart from 'i hoped he would put family first'

He is helping and supporting his gf in ended the life of his child. I am not judging but I don't think you realise how horrible an experience this could be for them.

She feels she is unable to keep her child. Can yiu imagine how bad that feels?

wow YABsoooooooooooooU I don't have the words.

Your DB's gf needs the support more than anything at this point. Your mother can hold you both in her arms another time I'm sure. But just now, the gf needs support. How can you even think you are being reasonable??

You sound like my SIL actually. Although she's never done anythign as bad as that, but she is always trying to emotionally blackmail my DH into doing stuff, as "family is important"... My DH takes no notice of her and they hardly talk now. So be careful OP, your brother will see you for the person you really are.

i accept that i was being unreasonable when i tried to force him to go. i asked him what he would do if he didn't have a choice, and then said i'd buy him a ticket so he would have to go. i guess i just felt like he could do both, and i know if i bought him the ticket, he would probably find some way of rearranging things because it's a lot of money to waste. or maybe not.

i'm not really as selfish as i sound and me and my DB are best friends, he tells me everything, and i've been supportive through this. he isn't angry with me either, he has just repeatedly apologised and said he can't go. i know her abortion plans aren't my business, but i just thought that since they've known about it for a while he could've taken her earlier and so she'd be over the worst of it and he could come home.

i feel like his gf is really upset with me because she read me and DB's conversation about it and i don't know what to say to her now. i HAVE been supportive and said all the right things, i just still feel like not going to see our mother will be the biggest mistake he's made this year.