about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

[tbwagg]

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

"he struggles to balance her and his own life"

Sharing your life with anyone else is stressful. Trying to balance the needs/wants of someone else with your own is never easy. No matter who the other person is.

"i just still feel like not going to see our mother will be the biggest mistake he's made this year."

Have you ANY idea what they are going through? He impregnated his girlfriend, presumably accidentally, in a country where abortion is illegal. Can you not see that the biggest mistake this year would be rushing a decision about this and making the wrong one, not going on holiday with you?

He might well prefer to visit his mum without you and your overbearing, controlling ways.

Your lack of empathy is quite staggering.
Stop calling yourself 'supportive'...you most definitely aren't.You are controlling.And possibly for the first time in your life,your brother has stood his ground against you.

That's what's really itching your skin,you know.That he has effectively chosen the side of another woman (his gf) over you.

Btw,I wouldn't bank on them breaking up either....they could well decide to make a proper go of it now.He might decide that yes,she is the one for him (2 years isn't a fling,long distance or not),and she might decide that she truly loves the man he is proving himself to be.

If you are that dedicated a daughter,you'd have found a way to buy a ticket home to your mother by now without having to be dependant on Daddy coughing up half.You're a grown woman,stop making excuses for your opinion that it has to happen right now.It doesn't.You just want it to.

You aren't going to get what you want this time.

I would think the girlfriend needs to have him there much more than your mom does.

And your mom obviously raised him to be a responsible sensitive person.

It's nice that you care about your mum and it must be difficult for her to be far away from her children. With that in mind it would be good for you to visit her this Christmas. Let your brother do what he needs to do (I am genuinely surprised that you're unable to see things from his pov). He can see your mother another time, the she gets two visits from her children.

Or if your dad is paying half of 2 flights he could pay for 1 whole ticket for your mum to come to you - then she can support her son through this and spend time with with of you ( although I think db would be better with you going to see your mum)

My God OP.

You are a awful person. This is a very ugly side of you.

Does the fact every poster is so stunned they barely know what to say make you feel even a little remorseful for what your putting your poor brother (and by proxy, the mother of his child so far) through?

Just... Wow.

I see lots of abuse directed at the OP, who I don't think is the most callous and selfish person ever - because she sees the issue as a genuine dilemma, hence why she posted it on here. If she was really terribly cruel and manipulative she wouldn't have bothered. There may be other things at play here: the family dynamic seems more complicated than is being accounted for by some of the more vitriolic posters on this thread.

Nevertheless, OP, I have to agree with the majority and say that your DB needs to be with his GF right now, and has a very good reason to postpone his visit home. CoolaYulea's compromise seems like a decent one.

YABU.

Your brother sounds lovely. He sounds grown up and willing to support his gf (regardless of whether they are going to break up or not) and to help her with their shared responsibilities.

You sound controlling, over bearing and interfering. I'm guessing jealous that he has a life outside of your immediate family?? (you also sound like someone I know in RL and she has singlehandedly excluded herself from her family with behaviour similar to your)

His GF, right now, is a mother. Except this poor mother is having to contemplate killing her child.

With all your empathy for mother figures, OP, does that not help make her horrible situation any clearer to you?

Your DB, right now, is a father. Except this poor father is having to having to support the baby's mum through killing his child.

Think about it very hard. And then butt out if the best you can do is what you've been doing so far. YOU are making this even harder for them at the moment.

Exactly what Hilda Ogden said.

Grow up op. stop tantruming and being a spoilt brat.

Your db is showing you how a responsible adult behaves.

Look and learn.

I would love to know if your mother thinks she should be the most important person.

I think this is about control. I think in 2 years you would have found a way to see her, or her you. If she is the most important person in your world. I think you don't want to leave him behind. Just I case he discovers he likes having his own life.

OP - you shouldn't be expecting support from your brother, that's not how it works.

Your brother is an adult, once you become an adult, your parents and siblings stop being the most important people in your life. Right now his partner is pregnant, she is therefore far more important than you and your mum, this is how it should be if he's not a complete cunt.

You had no right to be bullying him into going. You need to apologise to both and say you accept it's not happening.

If you feel guilty for not seeing your mum and you think your dad won't pay for just you to go, accept that you are trying to force him for your sake, not his, not your mums and not the GF. You are incredibly selfish and sound like a horrible person lacking in any empathy. You need to work on that, you get away with it as a teenager, but you are an adult now, people will start distancing themselves from you if you don't start to realise your wishes are the most important in the world, people like you end up lonely.

OP, I've posted a couple of times on this thread and I'm only doing so again because you are getting replies saying people are shocked by your behaviour and that you're an awful person.

I do think you've behaved badly but you've come back to reply to the thread and try to explain, so I want to believe you aren't normally unsupportive and selfish, you've just misjudged this one terribly.

I actually think it's fine for you to privately feel disappointed that your brother can't make it home. I know I would feel upset not seeing my mum for two years and I'm in my thirties. And if it was an long planned trip, I'd feel extra sad about not going.

But if your brother's girlfriend saw your texts and was so upset (at a time she's been depressed and is pregnant) then put this aside.

And pick up the phone tomorrow and tell your brother and his girlfriend that you were just disappointed, being an idiot and reacting and you know he's doing the right thing staying with her. Ask if there is anything you can do. You can reschedule seeing your mum and as someone else said, why not both go at Easter?

The danger you are in now though is that your brother and his girlfriend feel you're so unsupportive that your brother doesn't want to go home with you in future. His girlfriend will always hold this against you and a family relationship that was very happy drifts apart.

It's fine to feel disappointed in your own head, OP. If you had written that you were lonely and desperately missed your brother and mum, but understood your brother had to stay, I think people would have been much more kind in their replies. They would have told you he was doing the right thing but in a nicer way.

The important thing is that your brother is facing his responsibilities, wants to do so and you need to make a place for yourself in his life that respects this.

No-one will ever be good enough for my brother either, even his girlfriends I haven't liked I still treated with basic human decency and politeness which is a damn sight more than you are treating the woman who is carrying his child with. You really are coming across as a bit of a brat.

I find this worship of the mother somewhat weird, and creepy: Especially the need the OP feels to have her and her brother publicly declare their devotion to mummy together. OP, is your life so very empty? So devoid of other loves and interests that you honestly cant see why your brother isnt as fucking obbsessed with his mum???

Yabu

Is it even possible to book tickets with 10 days' notice over the holiday period? At least without paying extortionate rates and presumably money is an issue or you would have been sooner.

OP i have just read this thread and i think you are struggling with loving someone more and prioritising need. Even if you DB loves his mum more hif gf is in more need. for example, i love my son more than anything in the world, but if i was in a situation where he had fallen and grazed his knee, and was crying for me, BUT, there was a complete stranger in more serious danger and was about to fall and hurt themselves, i would prioritise that stranger over my crying baby. I would do this because altho i love my son more, i would know that his need was less than the strangers.

i also think your language of 'telling' your db who is a priority and the idea that you could force him even if you wanted to sounds controlling to say the least.

Can i ask genuinely if you think your mum would rather db came home than support this young woman? because, she genuinely might - not that it makes a difference - but i'm wondering if this is a theme in your family. My parents would rather i saw them than helped someone - this is because they have narcissistic traits and cannot see past the nose of their own needs. It certainly doesn't make it right, but it's easy, if that is all you have known, to get sucked into that peculiar prioritisation. As an adult tho (if this is the case) it is worth starting to question things from an outside perspective - otherwise you will perpetuate a very odd dynamic. I could be totally wrong of course.

I agree with spuddybean and would be very interested to know more about general family dynamic. Narcissist would not surprise me at all.

It's a small point, and probably irrelevant, but why would any couple "plan" to split up at some future specified date? You are either in a relationship or it's over.
It sounds so bizarre I'm just wondering why your brother would have thought to share this with you, or did he? Have you just inferred it to suit some need of your own?

Flogging - i have known a few couples do that. One is working away, or moving in the future so they stay together till that date.

Assumptions much grolier .
And what a nasty post.