about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

[tbwagg]

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

Have to say, while the OP comes across as a selfish, manipulative piece of work. The brother sounds lovely. He's standing by his partner, and despite his sister being an idiot about it all, he's even being nice to her! When he'd be totally within his rights to tell her to piss off.

My db has spent a lot of time and energy supporting her, often at my expense
Wtf?

Fair enough, Brady.
I just thought that there are cultural differences between many of us, and Op's attitude to her mum and brother come from a different age, where respect for family is all.
I didn't mean to be rude to you, but did wonder if her culture was different.
Otherwise her selfishness in this is inexcusable.

I didn't mean to be rude to you,

Its ok, I didn't think you were being rude.

My dad and family and friends are very much 'community' people. Blood relatives are important, but not more so than a person in need.

Jesus, when he gets married and has kids I won't be upset
You're coming across as a total freak now.

OP: would you ever agree to marry a man who dropped you during a very vulnerable time at the first squeaks from his sister about needing to visit mummy? And mummy clearly doesn't come first because the two of you moved across the world away from her. That is a reasonable thing to do because you should live your lives for yourselves, not for your parents.

OP I think when you are really worried about a close family member like your mother, it can distort your view of a situation...and stress can definitely do that. I understand your huge disappointment at your brother not being able to go with you. Well done for taking everyones advice and understanding that he is doing the right thing in this situation.

What has your db told her? Has he told her that you dont think he should stay to support her through the abortion? If he has, then yes I think if you talked to her and apologised then that would be a nice thing to do

Hmm, are you sure that they're actually going through with the abortion and splitting up? Something tells me that they're not but they're telling you that they are just to get you off their backs....

Have you told him that they should have an abortion and split up? Are they just telling you what you want to hear?

i told him this initially, that until he does get married and have children, our mother comes first and he even agreed"

If she's that important, why are you living in a different country to her and haven't seen in her in years?

I'm with everyone else on this - butt out and stop telling your brother what to do, think, feel... And if you have to ask if you should apologise to his girlfriend, then you still aren't getting it!

I would like to know why Mum can't travel here? Can't see where it says why she can't.

Your brother sounds like a good man. YABVU.

Absolutely breathtaking.

Truly, truly unbelievable.

This is not about which person or relationship is more important. It's about which person needs your brother the most:

a) his mother, a middle aged adult who is presumably capable of getting on a plane herself but hasn't

b) you, his weirdly emotionally dependent, manipulative sister who is going to see your mum anyway

c) his pregnant, depressed girlfriend who is in the throes of what is often the hardest and most distressing time of a woman's life

You say your mother doesn't know about the pregnancy and so would think he just didn't want to see her. There seems to be an easy solution to that. Tell her, and then surely to God she will totally understand and will be pleased that she still gets to see you.

I have some sympathy for you OP - I can see where you're coming from.

However, your brother is an adult and these are his decisions to make. You should not try to manipulate him, or sway his judgement. You should show him some respect and accept what he has chosen to do.

Don't make this a mum trumps abortion competition. You will lose.

Your brother may end up enjoying not having you breathing down his neck in the same country for a while.

He's an adult, he's not "yours", you have no right to tell him who should be more important to him. He is making the right decision by staying with his gf, you are being hysterical about him not putting FAAAAAHHHMMMMMILLLLLY first. There's every chance that he and his gf could start their own family without your permission - will you throw a manipulative hissy fit about that too?

Get your own life, away from your brother and stop interfering in his.

i don't want my mother to go without her children for another six months

I think you should bear in mind that your DB and his GF are deciding whether or not to go without this child forever.

It's not a decision that they're going to be absolutely certain about just to suit you, your holiday and your decision that your mother is top of the list of importance until you say so.

The more you post, the more I stand by my original statement.

If you're so concerned about your mother being without her children, why did you both leave her to study OS at the same time?

And again, why can't she come to you?

Just being telling DH about this. He thinks the OP wants to go, prob misses her mum. But she doesn't like the gf as she hasn't has the same control of her brother since he has been with gf.
He also thinks that by taking him back home the sister is asserting her control over the brother again and also is worried if she leaves them alone and is in another country and can not interfere, that they may keep the baby and stay as a couple. This would push the OP permanently.

I don't understand why your mother is unable to visit you because of work? Does she never get any time off? In two years?

I'm almost speechless at how self-centred and selfish you actually OP.

OP, you remind me so much of my SIL albeit she is nowhere near as extreme!
Sometimes she needs reminding that her wee brother is grown up with a life/wife/child of his own. She is a lot older than him and sometimes I feel as though she considers herself more of a mother figure than a sister.
Do you think you have assumed this role with your mum not being nearby? You do seem to think it's your duty to keep him in check.
Your lack of empathy towards this poor couple is quite staggering.

Ooh it's all a bit Flowers In The Attic

my DB and i had to leave our hometown for reasons that weren't our fault (we grew up there but never had citizenship) while my mother stayed. we went to our father's home country where we did have citizenship. our mother hasn't been able to visit because she cannot afford it (it is really far away). and no, we are not mediterranean, we are asian. although that has nothing to do with it, we have always just been a really close family. we have been trying to get back to see my mother for 2 years but for a combination of financial reasons, it just hasnt been possible. my mother cannot come during this period because she has no time off for the next few months.

his gf was in the car while i was texting my DB about the flights and she was typing his replies as he was driving. she read everything, and DB told me later she was very upset. apparently she feels awful that he cannot go home, and was really teary about it.

i am not a nightmare SIL i promise, and i have been really nice to his gf over the years. i think it's just a 'no one will ever be good enough for my brother' thing. i don't think i should come first, and i'm not crazy, like i said, we all get along great normally. and i know he should be supporting her, i just meant that over the past year he has been distant as he struggles to balance her and his own life. and he stresses about it. i was not trying to make things difficult for him, it's just my mother needs to see her son right now, and i was just trying to make that happen.

like i said earlier, i will apologise and back off. my DB has told his gf that he will not be leaving and that nothing i can say will make him change his mind, so i guess that is that.

I believe you OP...but it's as you say...that is that.
It's his decision entirely. He is living it, and it's his girlfriend and their unwanted pregnancy.
He is an adult, and as far as I can see, he is behaving like one.
You have misjudged this situation, and now I think you should step away from it, and look forward to seeing your mum.

That is indeed that....

Of course another way to look at it is that if you go now and your DB goes in the summer your Mum won't have to go so long without seeing her children. Assuming of course that if you both went now you wouldn't be going again for a long time.

So your Mum can either have both of you now and NOONE over the summer, or even year/years. Or she can have one of you visit now and the other visit in six months?

As a parent and someone who has lived overseas away from my family I know which I would prefer (and it wouldn't be both going now).

It will be LOVELY for your Mum to have a second visit later in the year.

It will be LOVELY for you all to have some one on one quality time with each other.

TBH - I think this is a good workable option.

As for the thread - yes you ABmassivelyU and selfish, but you seem to be realising that so I'm not going to bash you it's already been done MOST effectively!

" he struggles to balance her and his own life."

she is part of his life. they are not two separate things.

"it's just my mother needs to see her son right now, and i was just trying to make that happen"

no, she doesn't need to see her son, she wants to very badly but she doesn't need to. she has lived without him for 2 years i'm sure she will cope perfectly fine with just seeing you at xmas.

his partner on the other hand does need him.