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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 13:13

You are not at all unreasonable to be upset at being in this situation. Not at all. But you would be very unreasonable to try and stop him from spending Christmas with his parents. He didn't spend Christmas with them last year, and he rightly realises that this is going to be the last Christmas he has that he can go out and enjoy without having a baby to think about. Your lives are about to change forever, let him enjoy this one last Christmas with his family.

I don't see why you couldn't go with him if you are worried you will miss him?

squeakytoy · 14/12/2012 13:13

No, it doesnt sound right and he is being incredibly selfish. Why cant he compromise and go down there for New Year. Why does he think it is fair to leave his WIFE on her own at Christmas.

I would be bloody fuming, and very upset if I were you too, and no, you are not being unreasonable at all.

ENormaSnob · 14/12/2012 13:13

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Was he forced into marriage? Because he seems to be acting like a single bloke Hmm

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/12/2012 13:15

I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles

But he isn't a kid anymore to be honest, well have to grow up and do different things. I don't see why you can't alternate like you did previous years?? I do think it is odd that your first christmas as a married couple is being spent apart but if no one is willing to compromise then I have no idea what the solution is.

Will he chuck his toys out the pram next year then if he doesn't see his family?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 13:16

OMG YAsoooooNBU

What a cockhead!

What is he thinking of?

He's planning to leave his pregnant wife at Chiristmas so he can pretend he's a single man one last time?!

FFS he needs to grow the fuck up

You are his family now. You are feeling unwell because you are carrying his baby, but he thinks it is fair to leave you upset at Christmas so he can go on the piss?

Sounds like you're not on the same team at all.

He'll be a terrible father if this selfish attitude continues.

His family must be disgusted at him.

I know we would look askance on my brother if he treated his pregnant wife the way your husband is planning to treat you.

I imagine the words "you're not invited. Stay and look after your pregnant wife, you immature pillock" being whispered in his shell-like.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2012 13:19

I dont think for a moment that he wants to go because he wants to see his family.. he wants to go out on the lash and party.. not the same thing AT all..

selfish.

Groovee · 14/12/2012 13:19

Are you not his family? He has some weird way of looking at it. You're married so therefore you go together as a couple.

Meringue33 · 14/12/2012 13:20

Yanbu - I can't believe he thinks this is ok - I'd be creating a storm!

As a backup plan, could you get to your parents on Christmas Eve on public transport, and stay over? Or shell out for a taxi?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 14/12/2012 13:20

Read this a couple of times and dont understand why you're not going to London with him. Can you clarify?

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 14/12/2012 13:20

I find it strange when grownups are precious about seeing their family at Christmas.

MakeItALarge · 14/12/2012 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 13:21

He wants to spend Christmas with his family
She wants to spend it with hers
Why is he the unreasonable one?
Presumably she is also invited to his family home?

MsVestibule · 14/12/2012 13:22

He's spending Christmas with his parents, regardless of how you feel about it when you've just got married and are pregnant and unwell. Nice. Has he always been this inconsiderate?

YANBU. However, I don't think there's anything you can do about it. He's clearly made his mind up so what's the point in trying to persuade him to stay. He understands his much this bothers you but doesn't care enough to do anything about it. Presumably you've been invited to go to London, too? Is that an option?

gymboywalton · 14/12/2012 13:22

when you get married your spouse becomes your family
you should be spending christmas together
you can't expect christmas to be the way it was when you were a kid because it won't be-things are different now

i can't imagine not spending christmas with my husband

MegaClutterSlut · 14/12/2012 13:22

As you are both married you should be spending xmas together imo

PurpleRayne · 14/12/2012 13:23

Weird. Don't his parents think it odd that he would have Christmas without you?

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:23

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos - I can?t go with him as he will not be coming back until the 27th December, and I have to be at work that day. Morning sickness is also pretty shocking and his family like to go out on Christmas Day (this Christmas they have two parties and a pub visit scheduled) ? I could really do with something a bit more sedate. His parents and brother spent Christmas with us last year and it was lovely.

I?m perfectly happy to go down to his parents next year and for him to go out on Christmas Eve with his friends while I stay home with the baby. It?s just this year, with my sister?s visit and morning sickness and the small party in honour of my Gran, that going down to London doesn?t work.

OP posts:
FatimaLovesBread · 14/12/2012 13:23

Outraged I read the OP that the last two years have been spent with his parents Confused

OP I would be annoyed as you're his family now you're married so if want to spend Christmas together. But as you both want to spend time with your families I don't see how you can reach a compromise without one being upset.
Although as Betty says he isn't a kid anymore, he should be starting new traditions.
Out of interest how old is he?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 13:24

I would seriously be rethinking my marriage if my husband was that much of a selfish cock.

adeucalione · 14/12/2012 13:24

He is BU in dictating what is going to happen at Christmas, these things are usually decided after an equal discussion surely?

But he has made it obvious that spending Christmas with his family is very important to him and he has made some good points to justify this - it's the last Christmas before the baby arrives, he didn't go to see them last year etc.

So, assuming that the invitation extends to you, I would go with him; you will have the moral high ground and be able to dictate Christmas arrangements for many years to come (better that than staying home alone I think).

All of this is assuming that you just have normal morning sickness and are carrying on with work and so on, if you are suffering more severely then of course he should stay at home and look after you.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 13:25

Is he stopping you from going with him, or are you unwelcome with his family for some reason?

Pilgit · 14/12/2012 13:26

YANBU. Marriage entails compromise and he has to recognise that christmas will never be the same again. Compromise needs to happen on this or what will happen on other things in years to come... ? I would not be happy with this at all. My DH's family would be the first to tell him to bugger off home and be with his wife and stop being such a selfish immature dickhead - especially if there was no compromise. You both need to compromise or you will resent this in the future - I know from experience how such resentments can simmer. sometimes compromise is both being equally unhappy about something rather than one being happy and the other being utterly miserable.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 14/12/2012 13:27

He probably feels like it is the last time he gets to really let his hair down this christmas.
Yes its a bit selfish and YANBU but I think all the replies saying 'omg what a cockhead' 'was he forced into marriage' etc etc is very OTT.

YOU know your husband. If hes not normally a PITA then dont blow your top completely, but yes this is unfair of him.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 14/12/2012 13:27

He wants to spend Christmas with his family. She wants to spend it with hers. Why is he the unreasonable one? Presumably she is also invited to his family home?

What Meryl said.
You could compromise and come home on boxing day so you can work.

You ahve your reasons to go to your parents, he has reasons to go to his. If he is in the wrong then you are.

Compromise.

adeucalione · 14/12/2012 13:27

Sorry x post - I see now that he is travelling back on 27th and you need to be in work.