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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
Original poster
elderberryspokes · 15/12/2012 12:00

I directed him to this thread!!

There is really no point in arguing about this. I'm sorry for whatever has happened in your personal experience to make you so cynical, and understand there is nothing I can say to change your opinion.

OP posts:
XiCi · 15/12/2012 12:01

Strange how the women that come on here with 'rock solid relationships' to 'perfect husbands' always seem to be with the biggest arseholes of all.

To come on here searching for the thread is creepy in the extreme

Funny how, when he saw the thread he now argues that that he was thinking the night before how he couldnt possibly have left you on your own OP. Yeah right.

Good luck, you will need it

BiBiBroccoli · 15/12/2012 12:02

Elder - I think you should ask for this thread to be deleted. I think some of the responses have been totally out of proportion and must have been very upsetting. If you have been with your DH for 10 years and this is the worst disagreement you have had then I think you are doing just fine without the advice of mumsnetters!

I think both you and your DH sounds lovely - I wish you both a very merry christmas

XiCi · 15/12/2012 12:04

And nothing has happened to make me cynical, but this thread has made me very thankful that Im in a relationship that has mutual love and respect. Its made me appreciate my DH even more, so thanks for that at least

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 12:05

You are newly married with a baby on the way and poorly. You are unable to communicate your needs to your husband other than by bringing it all to the attention of strangers on the internet.

A healthy dose of cynicism is what is required about the pedestal you appear to have put your husband on.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 12:06

HQ won't delete threads simply because the OP isn't too keen on the responses.

samandi · 15/12/2012 12:06

Since you are the only one defending what you wrote could you not maybe conceed you were wrong, apologise to the couple you offended and move on.

I'm not going to apologise for causing offence when that was not my intention. Nor was I in the wrong for posting what I would have done. An almost identical comment about the OP leaving her husband instead of having an abortion was left up uncommented on, so it's pretty clear it's abortion itself that posters have a problem with.

You and other posters can choose to see offence where you like. And it is utterly pointless arguing against people like this so yes, I will be moving on.

MrsFlibble · 15/12/2012 12:07

elderberryspokes We are glad you sorted things out, not think its foolish to ask for advice, because even the most opposite advice can help in a strange way.

But seriously, if my new husband decided to leave me alone, pregnant at xmas, i'd be fuming, and he wouldnt get his foot back in the door.

Please dont take that as a suggestion you leave your husband, because its not, its what i feel although i'd eventually give in, just make him sweat first.

Congrats on your pregnancy, and theres loads of pregnancy advice on here, so dont be afraid to come back.

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 15/12/2012 12:14

I asked for it to be removed shortly after I posted it yesterday when I realised that it had perhaps not been the brightest way to deal with the issue. So far Mumsnet have not responded (I reported my initial post - maybe this isn't the best way to do it?) although they have removed the abortion comment which was presumably reported much later :/

AnyFuckerForAMincePie, I haven't put my husband on a pedestal, he has his faults as do I, but felt the need to defend him against some of the comments on here.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 12:17

You didn't do anything wrong by poster here, elder

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 12:17

posting

MrsFlibble · 15/12/2012 12:18

elderberryspokes It got you both talking properly, so it helped in that way, atleast it made you both realise that you werent hearing each other, so think of it as a positive thing, and just ignore the comments in between.

EldersDH · 15/12/2012 12:28

Good point!

Thanks everyone for the input it has helped although (tongue entering cheek) I am a little upset to hear I'm not on a pedestal (tongue exiting cheek).

Merry Christmas Xmas Smile

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 15/12/2012 12:30

"I directed him to this thread!!"

  • And that was a mistake. You second guessed both your own feelings, and our opinions, and told him.

Asking for external and impartial advice for something that upsets you is a good thing. You did not do anything wrong.
It is a pity if he makes you feel that way. You have not been married long. You are newly pregnant and feeling poorly.

According to the schedule you set out below in your op, which seemed fair, you would be visiting your parents together this year. Instead he has decreed that you are spending Christmas, your first Christmas as a married couple, apart. So he can party with his mates. Not a good start to married life is it? Is this how he means to go on? Now that you are married, and you are "trapped" with a baby, he shows his true colours.

And to make it worse, he has chosen to come online and belittle you publicly. And patronize those who advise you.

I really hope he is not so controlling, and you so cowed by him, that you wont dear come back. There are lots of kind and wise women (and men here) here.

"And nothing has happened to make me cynical, but this thread has made me very thankful that Im in a relationship that has mutual love and respect. Its made me appreciate my DH even more, so thanks for that at least"

Well said XiCi

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 12:30

Elder, if you ever want to post here again, I suggest you namechange, always log out and change a few RL details to make you less identifiable

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 15/12/2012 12:31

EldersDH, I hope our opinions are giving you some food for thought.

Treat your wife right, and dont go gallivanting like a university student with mates, "just because".

angeltulips · 15/12/2012 12:32

Blimey. You're all very prescriptive about Christmas aren't you? DH and I sometimes spend Christmas apart bc our respective families live v far apart, and sometime the logistics just don't work. (Note: I don't consider my parents & sibs to no longer be my family. I will always be my parents' child, and I respect that). Nothing to do with not being grown up.

Anyway, I think the OP sounds quite wet ("confessing" to your dh that you'd posted about him online? Really?) and the OPs DH sounds incredibly square. So at least they're a good match, and can have a nice christmas with her being chauffeured place to place and lying languidly on sofas etc.

Finally, OP: LEARN. TO. DRIVE. Adults who cannot drive are the most irritating people known to man - it's like having an overgrown teenager hanging about.

MrsFlibble · 15/12/2012 12:36

Angel My best friend cant drive and shes 28, me and they 3rd of the trio get really annoyed at having to pick her up, gonna tell number 3 that, its funny, never seen her that way before.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 12:39

Angel, I am glad you said that re. the driving

I once said that about a bloke on here. He couldn't drive, although there was a family car. I called him pathetic and a lazy freeloader (because he bummed lifts off his partner all the time...to the detriment of family life), and got a slating for it

Elder...learn to drive. It will put you less at the mercy of the rather dubious whims of your husband.

angeltulips · 15/12/2012 12:42

Seriously.

I am dee

angeltulips · 15/12/2012 12:44

Whoops

Deeply suspicious of people who can't drive. The idea that there are people out there who, when faced with something that they'd (presumably) quite like to attend, ISN'T to think "oh hang on, if I could drive I'd be able to go - I must learn!" but instead moan about how they can't go and/or guilt friends into picking them up...it's just mind boggling.

angeltulips · 15/12/2012 12:45

Sorry that should read

Don't think

Not isn't to think

I am a touch hungover. Ahem.

VitoCorleone · 15/12/2012 13:02

I dont believe it.

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 15/12/2012 13:13

Thanks all. I'm actually learning to drive, and will be taking my test in January. Until I do pass I'll be sure to moan and guilt trip as many friends and family as possible as did not realise I should have been doing that all along (and there was me just using public transport...)

OP posts:
Rudolphstolemycarrots · 15/12/2012 13:17

I would agree to go to his only if he promised babies first Xmas at your parents. Otherwise I'd probably have Xmas separate.Seeing your sis and your grans do is improtant

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