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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 14/12/2012 14:07

The first Christmas after your marriage and you are pregnant, yet he is leaving you alone for Christmas while he goes down to London and he says it isn't ideal but too bad really.

He is not at all nice, you are mistaken unfortunately. If you rarely get to see your sister and there is a special family celebration at your parents' home for your deceased grandmother, of course you need to be there this year. IF you cannot get there unless he accompanies you, it seems very unreasonable to me that he is putting you in this fix. I would insist in fact that he is there

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:08

If he's a nice guy, show him the thread. That might open his eyes.

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 14:08

elder, it's natural people judge him based on this because this is all we know about it. It's not intended to hurt you, it's just that's how shocked some people are at what he's doing.

I do hope and trust he'll see he's fucked up with this issue and is being uncharacteristically selfish.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 14:08

"I also know that in his mind his priorities will completely shift when the baby is born"

They should have shifted already.

How does it make you feel to know that you pregnant, vulnerable and sick means nothing to him.

Literally nothing. He won't even miss you.

He's made his plans as though you don't even exist.

I would be very worried about the shift in priorities that has already taken place.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2012 14:09

I would want to be with my partner if they were my best friend... not getting pissed with my mates.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:09

OP you have every right to feel upset.

That your husband wouldbn't want to be with you and look after you at xmas when you are pregnant is outrageous. Utterly selfish and thoughtless and childish.

ZenNudist · 14/12/2012 14:09

I don't see why it's got to thus point of you both doing separate things. Most couples default position is they will spend Christmas together. So I'd have thought you'd have just had a conversation that discussed last Christmas was neutral - both parents at your house. The Christmas before was his parents house, therefore you win and you both spend christmas with your family. Then his parents will be first in line for spending next Christmas with you - bonus for them as they will see in their grandchild's first Christmas.

I think it's a bit late now as you are already married and expecting a baby but if your h is this intractable and selfish now it does not bode well for the future.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 14/12/2012 14:09

She isnt going to be alone though. She will be with her sister et al.

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 14:09

PS. I realise the situation with my family?s gathering is not very clear. It is a party at my cousin?s house, a few minutes walk from our house, and it was suggested at my Gran?s funeral. I don?t really feel well enough to go to a proper party but wanted to show my face and see people ? although I would be willing to compromise on this as there are so many other awkward factors this year.

My Dad lives thirty miles away and is divorced from my Mum (who lives abroad ? my Gran is her Mum) so is nothing to do with that side of the family any more. So if DH was in London then I would travel to my Dad?s on Christmas Eve and go straight from his house to work on the 27th. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:10

I'd missed the part about not really missing you because there will be so much else going on at his parent's house Shock

So does your MIL know about the baby and your morning sickness?

2cats2many · 14/12/2012 14:11

diddl like I said in my post, the OP doesn't have to go to war over this. My advice is to let it go. So what if they don't have Christmas day together this year?

She says that she loves her DH and there are no other issues, so in my opinion, she should make a decision NOT to take it as a personal insult and comment on how valuable he thinks their marriage is, but instead let him go and have his good time.

OP- would you really want him moping around the house anyway? Its clear that he wants to go to his family. You just need to either find a way to get to yours (maybe sleepover on Christmas eve?) or go with him.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:12

I think it's very odd when couples don't spend important events together, but sometimes life overtakes and flexibility is worthwhile...but the fact that your DH doesn't want to be with you and care for you...that's what I can't get my head around.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:12

I'm glad that you won't be on your own at least. Smile

merlottits · 14/12/2012 14:14

You show us arsehole behaviour. We agree it's arsehole behaviour.
But don't don't call him an arsehole because he's actually lovely?

Is that right?

He sounds a selfish prat, sorry.

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 14:14

Actually I've changed my mind. A bit.

It hinges on your work rather than anything else, though. I don't think your desire to spend Christmas with your family should trump his desire to spend Christmas with his, first married Xmas, pregnancy or whatever.

But there's no way he should contemplate a situation where you end up spending Christmas on your own because he's not prepared to drive you home from his parents in time for you to get to work on 27th.

I find it hard to believe that there is no way that you could get to or from your family's home though. If you can afford for him to drive to London, you can afford a cab.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 14:15

"but the fact that your DH doesn't want to be with you and care for you...that's what I can't get my head around."

Me neither.

It's mind boggling.

I was pregnant the first Christmas we were married, and we often spent Christmas apart before that.

But I would have been so upset if DH had made his plans for Christmas without reference to me.

diddl · 14/12/2012 14:16

"So what if they don't have Christmas day together this year?"

Because OP would like to be with her husband!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 14:16

It also sound like it hinges a lot on the fact that OP doesn't drive, and that doesn't really sound like a fair reason to deny someone else their family Christmas either.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:18

sleigh it's is unfathomable to me. Being with a man who doesn't want to be with me.

I mean there have been instances when DH and I have spent NY apart to assuage collective family guilt, or due to work. But these were unhappy compromises on both our parts. We always knew that given a choice...

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 14:18

x posts

where will your sister be? and how will she be getting about?

merlottits · 14/12/2012 14:19

I can't imagine a world where husbands make their own plans at christmas.

A sickly, pregnant wife too?

The truth is unpalatable but I bet he finds the thought of Christmas with you boring. He can have Christmas (his last one not as a father) with all his mates be constantly pissed and not have to look at his sickly, knocked-up wife.

Selfish twat.

2cats2many · 14/12/2012 14:20

Well diddl, the only way that's going to happen is if she either changes her mind about travelling to London or has massive row about it, and then it won't exactly be a happy Christmas will it?

It's not always possible to get what you want. Even at Christmas.

I spent Christmas apart from my DH when I was pregnant with our first child and it really wasn't the end of the world. And it didn't mean that he didn't care about me or our marriage or that all future Christmasses would be like that. It's just one day.

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 14:20

I thought the OP was going to be with her family otherwise why would she be stating to see her sister?

And stop being so melodramatic about this being an indication that he's going to be a shit Dad. The OP is 8 weeks pregnant, he's probably known he is going to be a dad about a month, do people really have an entire shift in towards the parenting mindset at this stage? I certainly hadn't and I was the pregnant one.

It's not easy living away from the base of your friends and family, particularly at Christmas. I know for myself I haven't been home since summer and am really starting to get homesick as we're. Staying put this Christmas.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 14/12/2012 14:22

Ok, so I read the OP as them having spent the last two Christmasses with his family, once at the family home and once at the OP's house, and the one before that with her family. So by all accounts if they're meant to be sort of alternating, it's the turn of the OP's family. Otherwise husband's family will have had them for three Christmasses in a row.

I think that's the crux of it, taking pregnancy, sister's visit, distance, work etc out of the equation. It's quite simply not the in-laws turn this year.

On that basis I think it's very fair for the OP to suggest a compromise of coming home on Boxing Day so she can get back to work, and very BU of the husband to refuse that.

OP, I feel sad for you having to consider Christmas without your husband. I would be in a muddle over the situation too.

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 14:23

2cats2many I will take your advice. It?s not going to be war, it?s just a less than ideal situation and certainly not a dire warning that his true colours are now showing.

In hindsight I think it was probably a mistake on here ? I won?t have an opportunity to speak to any RL friends before I speak to DH tonight and wanted a sounding board.

Was not expecting so many vitriolic responses but understand how people would make these assumptions based on the information in my initial post.

OP posts: